a piece of me

I was a small town girl, living in a lonely world.

I had never said a swear word. 

 I feared God to an extreme.  

I prayed multiple times daily.  

For what?  I don't know.....just being human. 

 I didn't trust in my own personality or beauty to open my life to friendships or individual opinion.

This story had a dramatic change the summer after 7th grade.

We moved to Kearns, Utah.  

Our rental was a 3 bedroom multilevel home on a corner lot.

I thought I was totally going to DIE when I heard the voice of my dad talking to a couple of girls my age in our front yard.

He called for me to come outside and meet my future best friends.

[9th grade promotion]

With this motley crew, [a combo of dudes and chics],  I learned to experiment with life.  I started wearing A LOT of make-up and understanding ways to apply it in distinct strokes that made me unique.

I copied the skills of others to get my hair to stand 6 inches high due to a combination of AquaNet, a blow dryer and a ratting pick.

This group helped me through the recovery of a devastating vehicle wreck that caused my face to need reconstruction.  They visited me everyday and hung out next to me filling me in on the happenings/gossip  at school.

We confided in each other's woes and related to what assholes our parents were.

We were each other's strength, acceptance, counselor, and adopted sibling.

[Chris and Stacie]

We smoked on the hill behind school.

We cut classes and believed we were smart enough that we didn't need an education.

We found rides to storage units where heavy metal bands performed concerts.  Girls got in free :) 

 [We understood the power of being a girl early on!  We also used that power to make stupid decisions]

We wore out vinyl records of Bon Jovi while strumming our air guitars with passion.

We made lyrics to songs that we would sing in our future 

Rock N Roll band.

We loaded up a shitty van and went camping with nothing but beer, cigarettes and a package of hot dogs.

We were deep and dramatic with our thoughts.

We saw our future that consisted of us being Best Friends FOREVER as we traveled the world and experienced life outside of 'stupid' Utah.

[me and Randy, Chris and Jim, Stacie and Robby 

senior prom]

*for those of you who won't believe me when I say I was the "big girl" in my group......

well, HERE'S the proof! 

As the years progressed, so did our lives.

We scraped up money to put gas in our rusted cars.

We worked $3.75/hr jobs and barely had time to earn the credits to graduate high school.

We met boys that would eventually become our husbands.

We had babies.

We dispersed.

We became everything we said we wouldn't........

CONFORMING AND NORMAL.

When I think of my internal age, I always go back to 14 years old.

This is the time(s) in my life that I was reborn.

I found me.

And I had genuine friends around me that experienced this same change.

As a group we became whole through the pieces that each one added to the other.

We helped mold one another into the adults we would eventually be.

I felt the air get heavy and dark around me as I was told of  Stacie's death last week.

She is only 14 41!!!!!!, 

I yelled to myself over and over.

This was not in our life plan.

This was not in the story written in our lyrics.

I allowed Stacie to take a piece of me with her to her resting place, as I kept a piece of her with me.  We formed each others puzzle and it's only proper that we stay intertwined.  I feel her presence.  I am comforted by the pictures of her beautiful eyes which shows the depth of her sweetness. 

In the parking lot of the mortuary, we gathered in Stacie's memory.

We let go of balloons with loving statements scrolled on the surfaces.

We cried, laughed, smoked cigarettes and reminisced of the 'days gone by'.

I want to think that Stacie was proud to see how our puzzle of friends reunited in the name of one beautiful eyed 80's girl.

xoxo  I love you Stac.

Rock on sister.