I will call you back in three weeks from never

I decided I needed a life job.

Two reasons:

money
&

sanity

Mostly sanity and interaction with peers.
I really miss that!
Pretty simple eh?

I knew that I was basically starting from ground up at this point.

My hell!  It's been over 14 years since I had a real jobbie.

My skills are out of date, 
my education is null, 
and my wrinkles are like POW!

These are the three top things that gets your application pushed to the side to make way for the young and fresh to over shine your dingy resume.

The young and fresh have sparkle!

SPAAAAAAARKLLLLLLLLLLLLE!!!

SPARKLE SPARKLE SPARKLE GOD DAMN IT!!!

A LOT OF SPARKLE!

A 41 year old stay at home mom has the opposite of sparkle.......

I would call it SPACKLE!

LOTS OF SPACKLE!!!!
You know the saying....spackle and paint makes it what it aint.

SPACKLE THE EXHAUSTION, 
SPACKLE THE TIRED EYES, 
SPACKLE THE LOSS IN CONFIDENCE, 
SPACKLE THE OUTFIT TO LOOK LIKE THERE ISN'T A MID-ROLL, 
SPACKLE THE YEARS OF BLARING NON-EXISTENT EXPERIENCE AND WORK HISTORY.

SPACKLE THAT SHIT..... INFINITY!

I applied to one company.  

My attraction to this company was that the job is a no brainer, has healthy physical labor, and is part time.

This company also boasted about supporting the "stay at home mom". A commitment to family values that will leave the employee a flexible work schedule.

As you can guess, the pay isn't something to brag about, but the bennies are great.

The day that I applied, I received an email saying they would like to phone interview me and gave me a specific time and day to choose. 

That next Monday morning's interview was comfortable, and went what I considered "a success". We started by talking about my work experience.  I tried to keep it to the most influential and recent job I had....ya know, the one that was in the decade before this one!
But that wasn't what the interviewer was interested in.
NOPE!!
She told me that I got the interview because of my experience in 1987 when I was 16 years old and worked retail at JC Penney!!!
Who freekn knew that college and a stable career took back seat to a part time teenage position!
We then talked about how important being a team player was to me and I was asked to give examples of where I have been a team player.
I gave many answers and then ended with, "Well my proudest team playing job has been as a wife and mother. We depend on each other to keep the house in order and properly functioning in a positive manner".
We completed the interview and I thought to myself, "hmmmmm I think that was a pretty good answer if I do say so myself."  Many of  my friends agreed and gave me a big pat on the back and encouraging words towards me being hired.
But you know, there is always one red headed step child in the group!
I tell my friend Amie this interview story and she can't contain her laughing!!! So now I am laughing and thinking that maybe this interview was totally stupid after hearing myself repeat it out loud!
Amie turns to me in between her tears and snorts of laughter and says,
"OH! MY! GAAAAAWD!!!  
THAT WAS SO GAY!!!!!" 
in response to my team player bullshit.
I had to agree and we had so much fun making jokes about my "gay" interview.

A couple days after the initial interview, I get an email saying I am still in the running but the manager needed TWO more weeks to make a decision!!!
I patiently waited those two weeks and then started thinking this whole thing was a candid camera moment when it went into the 
third week.
I mean really!!!! 
Who does this?  
Is this normal and I just don't understand the workforce anymore?
[BTW: This isn't some little po-dunk small town company! 
They are national and very known and respected!]
Three weeks and one day later, and I received the call that offered me the job.
WHEW!
I accepted and was so excited.  I began to anticipate my start date.
FOUR. DAYS. LATER 
and I finally had contact with my new supervisor.
This process of waiting has just about killed me and my confidence in even working outside of the home. 

Anyway, my supervisor sounds like a real hoot and I can just tell that me and my TEAM are all gonna get along just dandy!


You hear that AMIE?!?! T.E.A.M!!!!
Who's got the gay answers now Amie?!?!?!?
Apparently my new jobbie supports gay rights!
booooyah!

MOM!! What are you doing?!?!

For the first time in my life [that I can actually remember], 

I sleep walked.

It was 11:30 pm and I had been to sleep for about a half hour.

I was in one of those realms that I didn't feel asleep, only that many thoughts were going through my mind.

In a panic attack, I flung the sheets back and jumped out of bed thinking that I was the only one home and I had forgotten to close the garage. [Randy was laying right next to me the whole time but I swear the bed looked empty on his side!]

I ran out of my room, past the couches and the office.

Nearing the door to the garage I hear, "MOM!!  What are you doing?"

I stopped dead in my tracks and nervously replied, "I'm alone and need to close the garage."

River was standing in front of me at this point and put his hands on my shoulders.

"Mom, are you okay?  You're scaring me."

I remember blinking and realizing my surroundings.

I looked at Riv with a blank stare, shook my head, and said, "I don't know what's wrong with me.  I think I just sleep walked."  Then I slowly made my way back to bed without saying another word.

I've seen my children sleep walk, and also heard of personal stories of people throwing mattresses on their spouse and people actually leaving their homes without remembering doing it.

I always wondered how a person could be in such a dimension of  dreaming that your body acts upon the story without consciousness.

After experiencing it myself, I can say it is fahreekin weird and scary.

Sleep walkers rule #1:  Always wear something to bed that is appropriate for the world to see, because you never know when the sandman will fool you with his magic angel sleep dust!

Nobody wants to see a  bed-headed sleepwalker zombie-ing around with their junk hangin out!

P.S.  The next night [and it felt like ALL night!] I'm pretty sure Daisy and I had a conversation through telepathy.

Something is toying with my brain as I try to sleep.

No wonder insomnia is prevalent in my nights!

I'm frightened of what will become once I do start getting some ZZZZZ's!!!!!

Ragin Cajun

It's the countdown to what I will call

"Getting Bourbon faced on shit street!"

OH MY GAH!!!!!!!

I can not wait!!!

I'm having an excited anxiety attack right this minute thinking about what kind of adventures we are going to have!!!
It's a good thing I'm typing my words, because I tried to talk to Paula about my trip and became a stuttering, thick tongued idiot!
If you asked me what I was excited about, my answer would come out a little like this:
"tttttttddddddddkkkkkkkkkkkenyadddffvvvvegas fftaxifaaaaaaddddddriverpahpahpaOMGfttttfflaaashbacks......
New Orleans!!!"

OK, so I've packed:

tums-for repercussions from spicy food and drink

umbrella- for walking in the rain

poncho-for those unexpected down pours that an umbrella can not cover

clothes-everything from a swim suit to a maxi dress

shoes-all sensible, yet fashionable to walk miles in

hats-for my kizzy hair in humidity 
and for pure laziness of not wanting to spend time on my fro

camera-to capture the memories
 [of my auntie E and Chelise getting Bourbon faced]

money-to buy myself into a drinking/eating/sight seeing oblivion

plane ticket-to get my ass to Nawleans in a timely manner

pictures of my Aunt Janin and my bro Damon-because I know that they want to be living life large with us....if only in spirit

and last but not least:

mace-to ease my husbands worrisome mind :)

Dude!!!

I'm freakin' going to New Orleans TOMORROW!!!!

The ya-ya sisterhood ambition quote for this weekend:

"Get comfortable baby, I've got a full tank"

It's all about enjoying the ride!

Wahooooooo!!!!!!!!!

I'm buying fake ones

I just haven't felt good for weeks.

Let me share the list of gorey details with you:

~Headaches all day long

~Major body and joint aches

~Heavy periods and extreme cramping

 (never had this before! in fact, my monthly doesn't even last but a day and nothing much about it ever bothers me.)

~Sore throat that hurts to swallow and feels like my glands are swollen....raspy voice

~Muscle cramps

~Easily irritated

[my poor family]

~Dry, itchy skin

~Insomnia

~EXHAUSTION!!!!

~Unmotivated 

[everything feels so hard to do]

~Unfocused

~Ditzy, forgetful

~Emotional

 [I get verklempt very easily.  

Everything seems 'so special and endearing' and I 

cry and cry and cry!!

Jax asked why I was crying while watching a YouTube video of people flashmob singing!  

Even he knew this was not worthy of tears!]

~My internal temperature is either as 

brutally hot as the center of the earth,

OR I have the entire bodily chills that can not be cured by anything less than a boiling water shower.

AND the worst part of all of this....

is that I've gained 9 pounds in a little over 2 months!!!

I hardly eat enough to warrant  that  kind of  gain so quickly!!!

Unless you count Starbucks highly caffeinated house coffee with fat free milk as a food group, then I guess I over indulge every day!

[it's the only way i can stay awake to function]

I was feeling like I was the verge of a major virus continually, but it would never go to the next step....it would just stay in that annoying state that keeps a person paranoid that they are going to wake up with pneumonia/cancer/death and not be fully prepared! 

I started taking large amounts of Vitamin C as a precaution.

Nothing helped me to feel better and I was sick of feeling like SHIT!

I went to my doc and told her about my issues.

She did a whole blood work-up on me that required 6 large vials.

She tested my hormones for menopause, tested for arthritis, tested my thyroid, and tested my blood counts. 

Can you test for CRAZY through blood? 

 If so, she probably tested me for that too.

At the end of our visit I started crying [again] and told the doc that,

'I just know that nothing medically is wrong with me.

This is all about the fact that  I am 

 old 

and fat

 and lazy 

and have an ugly woman-beard

 and it will all continue to go to hell,

 but I need the results to tell me to pull up my panties 

and do something with myself! 

I'm having a hard time doing it on my own!!!'

Doc called me Thursday with the results.

My thyroid decided to slow it's ass down to almost a complete stop!

I started to cry [again] as she told me that my issues are not in my head, and that there is a true physical problem happening.

She said it's probably been slowly shutting down for a few months and some stress combined with age has abruptly kicked into stagnant mode.

I AM THE POSTER CHILD OF THYROID DISEASE.

Although it is quite common, there are still a lot of people undiagnosed, that go on feeling horrible thinking that age has caught up with them and they will have to live with feeling shitty forever.

I am fortunate to be getting help for it now and to get back to feeling like me again.

So from now on, I will be buying my fake hormones to take everyday for the REST OF MY LIFE!

It's like I always say:

A pill a day keeps the straight jacket away!!!

[i've actually never really said that before.....

but it sounds appropriate at this point]