The six degrees of a bloody mary

Jay forwarded me this picture that his niece posted on her Facebook.

No, you are not looking at an all you can eat midget buffet.......

You are looking at the most glorious HELLA Bloody Mary concoction ever created!!!

It comes with a large stalk of asparagus,  a half a weenie, a block o' cheese, a shrimp on a pick, and the grand daddy of them all....

A FAAAAHREEKIN CHEESEBURGER SLIDER!

Hey Jay!!!  

Yes you! 

Mr. Jay Brown!!!

Build it and they will come!

Its a double dog dare!

I was telling Chelise about this meal in a mason jar, and she envisioned

Christina Aguilera right away! 

I concur that she would look much better with a cheeseburger skewered on her head rather then this record/space saucer/tilt-a-whirl in her platinum weave!

And then Christina and her titters could look right in the camera and say, 
"Eat your heart out Lady Gaga!!!!  

I take my meat well done!"

And then Gaga would lash back with,

"Of course you do......you always get my ground up sloppy seconds that need to have the V.D's cooked out of it!"

And then X-tina would pounce back with,

"Oh GUUURL!!!  I am the founder of dirty, nasty, and 'getcho freak on'!!!!

You can't use me as your whippin post!

Go beat yo meat somewhere else!"

And then from a far........

everyone could hear RiRi asking in a dazed confusion,

"Wait!!! Who's beating someone?

Chris Brown.......Is that you????

After catching sound of the cat fight, Lyndsay was feeling left out.

With her arms above her head, she ran in circles yelling,

"HEY!!!  

What about me??? 

I'm CRA-CRA!!  

Look at me! 

balaaa-wookawooka-caw-eeeeek-meow--brrrrbrrrr-dardardardar-pthhhhhhhh!

See!  I'm totally crazy!!!!

And I'm a dirty too!!!

Why isn't anyone fighting over meat and beat with me?!?!?

I'm still a star you know!"

'As The World Turns in a General Hospital with All my Children'

.......to be continued.......

or not

Dumbs are not blonde

"Geez!!", 

I thought to myself....

"Bangerter has turned into a real piece of shiz!!!

My car feels like it is ready to veer off into the brush because of

 these ruts!"

I continued to drive Riv to school and then back home to end the 8 mile trek.

All the while, I am ignoring the light on my dashboard that tells me my tire pressure is low.

I also ignore the good amount of wibble wobble I am doing in my lane.

In my defense.....

 I have a morning talk show and good music to listen to during my drive!!!

I don't have time to be thinking of tire issues ok!?!?!!?

You know my motto: music over responsibility!!!!

I only noticed my flat rubber after I let Daisy out of the back seat.

I said outloud, 

"wow!  so that's why my car was jerking off!"

Really Jolie?!?!?

Ya think?

Sometimes I even wonder how I got this stupid!!!

[this picture makes it look like the tire is just low.....

IT'S NOT just low!!!!

It's FLAT! 

as flat as my dumb ass!!!]

Coffee hour with the church ladies, the thighmaster, and lilo's daddy

I had to get my torture chamber.....aka the 

"domo ori goto mr. roboto" 

cast re-formed today. 

It was giving me some MAJOR discomfort!!

I was ready to donate it to the S&M store to see if they needed a new bondage device. 

The doc's fixed me right up with the re-fit.

Thank goodness!!! 

 I really wasn't prepared to  have to see anyone in whips, chains, and my donated nude colored fore-arm cast as part of their foreplay!

The time between the cast appointment and when I needed to retrieve Jax from the community center, was about an hour.

It's just enough time to do NOTHING productive....

 especially when you add driving minutes into the mix.

The time restraint gave me permission to do something that

I should do more often!!

~Gather a gripload of free trashmags, 

~drink a cup of overpriced coffee, 

~and sit amongst a variety of characters in the 

Barnes and Noble Starbucks lounge.

Oh how I love this type of mid-day treat!!!

I started my experience by approaching the Starbucks counter.

As I walked with my 'bent arm lefty', I could tell that someone was on my trail and 

trying hard to invade my personal space.

I gave him stern eye contact in hopes of burning him through his retina with my 

'WTF DUDE?!?' lasers!!!

[I know this is the right thing to do to perps that have ill intentions!!! 

 hello!!! 

I've seen my fair share of Oprah!]

The guy is nervous!

I'm talkin, cross-eyed,

 in a stuper, 

balls a clangin' nervous!!!!

As he chokes on his own spit because of stressed cottonmouth, 

he rubs shoulders with me. 

 In a tourette, lack of control way, 

he leans toward the Starbucks girl and says, 

"HI!".

The Starbucks girl gave a hesitant look and quietly said hi back.

I had hopes that his aggressiveness and lack of boundaries meant that he and the Starbucks girl were good friends.

Dammit!!!  

She didn't know him....

This means that the dude is still weird 

and still in my personal space for upcoming reasons.

What happened next was not a shock.

I didn't have to be clairvoyant to see that the freak next to me was going to make his move.

He shakily turns to me, 

[which was hard for him to turn since there was virtually no space between us and my 'stiff arm lefty' was not going to budge for movable space]

I swear he had tears from fears while he asked me  this question in 

a blurted out diarrhea sort of way:

"ARE YOU HERE TO MEET SOMEONE?"

I looked at him with:

1~ relief that his crazy demeanor didn't mean that he intended to hold me hostage and possibly shank me in the 'anger management' isle.

2~  empathy that the fool was not in touch with how to talk to women!

3~ WTF ?!?!?!?!?!? Am I on a hidden camera comedy show?

I blurted out a strong "NO!!!"

He replied, 

"Well, I am here to meet someone 

and you fit her description"

I quickly whispered, 

"nope, not me...I'm just here to...."

then I took my grande misto and walked to find a table far far away from Casanova before even finishing the sentence.

I watched as he took his coffee to the "cream and sugar" station and proceeded to pour himself cup after cup fulls of  complimentary water in a thin plastic tumbler.  

The dude was seriously SO nervous that his throat was closing off.

I couldn't help but feel creeped out and sorry for him in a combined-twisted emotion.  My feelings of creepiness probably came more from the fact that he looked like Lindsay Lohan's dad, than the fact that he was acting so strange.

[spittin image I tell ya!!!!

even down to this tie and coat and receding hairline!!!]

I held my breath as I watched an older processed-blonde walk toward the coffee area.

I just knew it was her!!!!

It was the lady my creeper was there to meet!!!

My nosiness took over and threw my body into extreme hormonal imbalance!!!

Hot flash!!  Hot flash!!!

Thank God I had a stack full of magazines to fan the beads of sweat from my skin!

I was so excited to see how this blind date was going to play out.

I felt very privy to something that the rest of the world Starbucks

had no idea was even happening.

THEN I REMEMBERED THE WORDS THAT LI-LO-DAD-CREEPER SAID TO ME!!!!

"You fit her description"

OMG!!!!!

So what he was saying, is that I fit the description of:

Suzanne Somers!!!!!

Oh hell!!!!

As if turning 41 wasn't bad enough!!!!!

Let's just keep pushing Jolie's ego to the depths of old wrinkle face  lady despair!!!

You've got to be effin kidding me!!!!

I had to take my eyes off of the famous look-a-like hook-up couple before I started to vomit in my mouth.

I was waaaay over focusing on the thought that 

I LOOK LIKE HER!!!!! 

Just typing this gives me heart palps!!

Please give me a minute....

((((breathing in through nose...out through mouth))))

.....finding my chi.....

Ok!  I think I can continue on.....

I am then drawn to the 'Christian Knitting Group' that had their own "3 is Company" gathering.

I eavesdropped on their convo that consisted of spreading gossip of 'ungodly' people in their church.

[OH!!! you don't EVEN want to know my thoughts on THIS one!!!

There would be a lot of cursing and the word 'hypocrite' used evasively from my mouth!]

I wasn't sure of which table that I had been observing, 

was the most pathetic!

Only 20 excruciating minutes later......

  Lohan-dad and the 'ThighMaster' queen, awkwardly parted ways.

You could tell that she 'just wasn't in to him'.

Maybe that started with him making her 

buy her own damn coffee!!!

I was happy to see her walk away from the LAAAAHOOOOOOZER!!

Needless to say, I really didn't read much of  my trash mags......

I had all kinds of soap opera happenings in real time 

right in front of me.

***I had a feeling of  sadness for the unmatched couple as they walked out of the coffee lounge.

Maybe it's a case of looking for love in all the wrong places......

or maybe it's just a case of old age, set in your ways, and bad timing.

I had to remember some wise words given to me by someone in my family.....

"There is a lid for every garbage can"

recollecting the saying rev'd my hope for these individuals looking for their 'later-in-life' soul mates.

StarYUCKS

Have you ever bought a Venti, fat-free Misto with an extra shot and brought it in your house to enjoy for the day.........

a bit later you  got back in your car to pick up kids from school, and  proceeded to drink THAT big ol' Misto all gone??

Yet, you wondered while drinking it, why it was ice cold at this point and tasted a little "funky cold-madina"?

Then when you are done running around, you walk back in your house with the empty Venti Starbucks in your hand, and you realized in HORROR that you have been drinking a coffee from 

WHO KNOWS HOW MANY FUCKING DAYS AGO!?!?! 

AND YOUR FRESHLY BOUGHT STARBUCKS IS SITTING PATIENTLY ON THE COUNTER WAITING FOR YOUR ARRIVAL!!!!

Oh, you  have never done this?

And you say that only a dumb ass would do this!!!

yah, ummm hu hu hu....

I haven't done this either.

NOPE! NOT ME!  

Never done this!

Neeeeever eeeeeeever done this.

Anyone have a mint?

Or a pepto?

anyone?

day dreaming and crap singing

Ya know how you get driving, especially if it's in a monotonous familiar area, and your mind goes to places that are NOT on the same road your car is on??

[scaaaaary!]

And when you finally realize that you've been sleeping with your eyes open, you wonder how many red lights and old people you have ran through!!!!

It scares the bajeeezus out of me when this happens, and I am always thankful everything looks unharmed from my 'driving dreamscape'.

Last evening, after dropping off Riv at guitar,

and experiencing the 'Bailey's Sister' [see post below], 

my mind was going in all directions with thought WHILE DRIVING.

What happened next was humiliating to MYSELF!!!

You have never experienced embarrassment, 

until you actually embarrass yourself, 

TO YOURSELF,

while alone in a car!

My mind-wandering was abruptly halted when I realized I was singing with the the Farmers Insurance commercial......

OUTLOUD!!!!!!

OUT.

 FREAKIN.

 LOUD!!!!!

"We are Farmers, 

da-dah da, da, dah da DAH!!!"

I don't even know who I am anymore.

{neon lights with a touch of gray}

Anyone watch the X-Factor???

Anyone?

Did you happen to notice the boy band, 'The Anser' from Utah that made it through to the finals?? 

I met one of the members over the weekend while in Wendover.

I watched him walking around looking like a fish out of mercury filled waters.

He seemed a bit perplexed as to why people weren't noticing him.

I mean, come on!!!

He was wearing the same hat and coat that we saw him wearing on TV!!!

I think it was a way of saying,

HELLO!!!! 

DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

And the color just happens to match his name.... Gray.

I walked up to him and asked if anyone had recognized him, and if peeps are buggin' to talk to him.

His response was, "unfortunately no".

I told him I was totally bummed to see that they were sent home from the show, and I wished him well in his endeavors.

He said to be looking for him because some really good things are in the works.

I wandered off laughing to myself of what a dork I am to randomly talk to this dude.

Seriously tho, and I'm not just saying this, but I  felt bad for him for the "unfortunate lack of notice".  I think he was expecting more attention.  I really didn't care to talk to him, but I just wanted him to know that 

"YES GRAY, SOMEONE RECOGNIZES YOU".

poor kid :(

After the encounter, I texted Paula to tell her I talked to him.

We were all,

"LOL!!! OMG!!! WOW!!! LOL!!!"

Then I said texted her saying 

"I'm gonna go get a pic with him! 

This shit is good blogging material!"

She replied, "YOU GO GIRL!"

I walked back to the original meeting  place, told him that my friend didn't believe I actually met/talked to him, and that I needed a picture for proof.

OK, so I'm a big fat liar....

but it worked without me looking like a total middle aged loozer wanting a pic with a 20 something that nobody even recognizes!!!!

Gray was very sweet and cute about it.

His manager or dad or some very happy dude sitting next to him, offered to take our pic, and this is what we ended up with :)

And then....

we taught the dude how to use my camera.

introducing: Gray and the dork