What my laugh-a-dufilator needed

"SALUTE!"

We said as our shot glasses of Jager 'tinked'.

My favorite gingy from Colorado graced me with her presence for a few days.

Amie knows when a girl needs her friend close by to talk about life issues, give guidance and support, and to celebrate a 42nd birthday.

Thanks Amie!

And because you were so loving and helpful this last week, I won't show everyone the video I made of you singing "Call me maybe".

You are welcome.

And when I say 'YOU'........

 I mean you readers!

Standing next to Amie for a picture, made me finally understand what Paula feels like standing next to me.....

or anyone taller than 5 foot nothing for that matter.

Amie crouching down a foot or three, made it possible to get a picture without me looking like a midge, 

OR having to cut off Amie's head because 

"AWH!!!!  She so tawh, we no fit hewr in da peekchuwr.  

Ahhhhh Sooooo!"

[somehow that accent became a mixture of Chinese and Spanish........

something I like to call Spanese....or Chinish.]

A night with my girls at A Bar Named Sue, was just what our laugh-a-dufilators and beer pallets needed!

The thoughtful cards,  grand expense of gifts, abundance of texts and voice mails, love put into hand made treasures, and genuine time carved out to be with moi,  

spoiled me beyond what is deserving.

I thank each one of you [you all know who you are]

for making me feel embraced and content as I turned another year older.

MUAH!

Lawdawg unleashed

Friday night Randy held two tickets in his hand for what I thought would be a swanky evening.  The event [for Randy's work]  was held at Little America in the Grand Ballroom.

It started with social hour from 6-7 pm, which included an open bar and delicious horderves.

We socialized, bumped elbows with some big wigs,

and posed for this silly picture.

I know....I know.

The double guns, Randy in a boa, and me going "WTF?"  with a peacock on my head has no rhyme or reason.

I'm even a bit confused by the photo shoot.

We were then led into the dining area to find our designated seats.

On the bottom of our ticket, it said Table #6.

We find table #6 with four chairs out of eight available.

Two chairs had been saved with a cowboy hat and a wool coat.

The other two chairs were taken by a couple that I had a bad feeling about from the start.

Actually, they were only taking one chair between them both.

The girl was sitting on the guys' lap, and they seriously needed to get a room!

Red flag number one!

This wasn't the typical actions of people that are coming to a company sponsored event.....well unless the company is a whore house or strip club!

The gal spoke to us with attitude and was overly cocky.

I rolled my eyes too many times to count in those first minutes of having to talk to her.

The announcement was made for everyone to get in line for the gourmet buffet 

[is gourmet buffet an oxymoron?  Not when the buffet is at Little America!]

We realized that the event had a "Western" theme, once I saw men in their boots, hats and cowgirls on their arms.

The mechanical bull was a good clue also.

As Randy and I walked through the food line, we discussed our "red flag" dining partners, still sitting on each other back at the table.

I told Randy that something wasn't right!  They seemed out of place and sketchy.  Especially after the gal "couldn't find her ticket" to know that there was assigned seating.

Randy speculated that she was a hired escort for the metro-goon looking dude.

[he was wearing a stocking cap, pink button up shirt, and a scarf!  INSIDE!]

We made it back to our table with a plate full of amazing goodness.

The strange couple continued to make asinine comments.   The more they spoke, the more I got fired up, and the more I chugged my beer.

At this point, I am starting to go into an investigative mind.

I theorize that the couple is there as PARTY CRASHERS!!!!

Their story didn't make sense, they looked out of their realm,  and kept making cocky comments that were over the top.

Another couple came to our table with their tickets showing they were supposed to be sitting in 'red flag' people's seats.  They were turned away and told to find a different seat by the 'red flaggers'!!!!! 

OHHHHH!!!!  

OHHHHHH!!!!!!

OHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Now I'm really getting torqued!

[Josh]

Randy's co-worker Josh, and his girlfriend sat next to us, and I gave them the 411 on my hunch.

They were in agreeance.

We all put up with their phony baloney bullshit of talk and action until I finally boiled over and spewed my notice of their PARTY CRASHING once we all over heard the whore's phone convo saying that they are 'just PARTY CRASHING this gig' and it's a super fun night!

OH HELLLLLLLLL NO

 SHE DIDN'T!

Her boyfriend was in line to get a position to ride the mechanical bull.

I walked up to him and said,

"hmmmm, so you're gonna ride the bull huh?"

He said with a proud smile, "yeah"

I said, "are you supposed to be here?"

He said, "What do you mean?"

I said even louder, "ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE HERE?  You are party crashing aren't you?!?!"

He looked at me with eyes the size of the moon and said, "oh...you need to talk to her about that" and pointed to fakity fake fake girlfriend.

I said, "no!  YOU need to go talk to her because YOU came with her!"

I realized that he was a weenie and had no balls since he froze like a multicolored popcicle wearing a beanie.

I see that he is a shit-wonder, and  I won't be getting anywhere with him, so I head over to the girl-scumbag.

Face to face I said, "hey, are you supposed to be here?"

She said, "who are you?"

I said, "you're party crashing aren't you?"

She said, "I don't need to answer to you!  Who are you?"

I said, "I am someone who was invited and have tickets to prove it.  Show me your tickets!"

She said, "I don't have to show you shit and you need to get out of my face bitch."

I said, "Yes, you do need to show me your tickets, and you need to know that I'm on to you and your boyfriend.  We all overheard you talking on the phone saying you are here to PARTY CRASH"

~Now mind you, this was probably $100 tickets per person, and even though the event was free to me, it isn't right for someone to be a con artist and dishonest and take the gifts that they were not invited to take.  Something comes over me, [I call it lawdawg], that makes me stand to fight for truth and show that I will not be played a fool.

I think I need therapy.

I can not sit back and not say anything....which isn't always fun for Randy who is worried that a big cat fight will ensue in the middle of his peers.~

She said, "OH! So you were listening to my conversation!  I was talking to a friend who wedding crashes, you misunderstood."

I said, "ok then, show me your ticket!"

She said, "I don't have it"

I said, "Is your boss here?"

She said, "NO! He's home with his family"

I said, "Is there anyone here that you work with that can vouch for you being here?"

She said, "I don't have to prove anything to you.  I work for Ken Garff  [which has nothing to do with any of the companies that sponsored this event!] and I was in a trade show meeting all day and all I want to do is relax and have a drink and eat!"

She flashed a Ken Garff badge at me with an "eat shit and die" look on her face.

I said, "That doesn't mean shit!  For all I know, you stole that too!  Show me your tickets and I will leave you alone"

She yelled, "I DON'T HAVE THEM BITCH!!"

I turned to her boyfriend and said, "you better take her home now!"

I would have totally been chill if her response was different when I asked if she was party crashing.  I would have said, "well, have a good time, I just want you to know that I know", and I would have dropped the whole thing.  But her "I'm smarter than you all" attitude kept our feud going.

They never did leave, and her and I continued to give shitty looks, smart ass comments and finger gestures to each other.

I'm not proud of my continued confrontation with someone that I really should just pity.

But to sit back and have someone treat you like an idiot in their game of lies is hard for me to swallow.

I correlate it with watching a bully beat up an innocent person and doing nothing about it.

Then we all are criminals!

Once you know better, you must do better.

I don't think I will ever get away from the side of me that has to correct injustice, but I promise to temper it and put it in check..

I almost put Randy back into A-Fib from worry of how this confrontation could grow.

Even though I don't think a scene was made, and only the few people at our table even knew there was an issue, I don't like myself the next morning after lawdawg comes unleashed.

What do you think?

Is it appropriate to call someone out on the rug when they are cheating, lying, and being unjust?

Or is it more appropriate to turn a blind eye and not let it become your problem?

Seriously!!  Be truthful. 

What would you do?

Off the rails of a crazy train

Before I could second guess myself, for the 463rd time, I hit "submit order" on the e-ticket form for the Amtrak train headed East bound to Grand Junction, Colorado.

The four days of abundance in love, laughter, and support made up for the lack of  decent hours of sleep nightly.

Sometimes the rails on the train need to break to give you permission to not come home and deal with the realities of life.

Thank you my Colorado family for taking me out of my world for enough time to remember 'life is good'.

And thank you Amtrak for making my stay last two days longer then planned.  You must have known that my de-railed spirit needed more time to be put back on track.

Me, myself, and I......BFF's

I am a purse junkie!  

Always have been.

As far back as I can remember, I have loved purses.  I think my first one was a hand knitted, multi-colored gift from my great grandmother.  The next one I remember was a quilted Holly Hobbie design with a long strap and a flap that went over the opening with a button attached as a closure.

If I had to count, I've probably had over a hundred purses in my lifetime.  Some of them are for specific events like concerts, vegas, or bar nights.

Others are for my everyday use.

I am always on the look out for a good everyday use purse.

I have a criteria that the purse needs to meet.

1~ Only one  short shoulder strap.

[I hate the purses that open like a doctors bag with the two handles.  Don't get me wrong, I really like the looks of them and have bought MANY thinking they would work for me.  The function of the duel handles with one constantly falling off my shoulder is too much for me on an everyday basis]

2~  Big enough to hold ONLY my essentials, yet small enough to keep me not putting anything more than my essentials in it!  I like to keep it light weight and a size that I can tuck it under my pit if I need to use both of my hands.

3~  At least two inner and outer pockets to separate my lip glosses and receipts from each other.

4~  Boho-Rocker look.

I can't believe I saved this criteria for last!  The functionality is truly so important to me that it trumps aesthetics!!!

While browsing around a Sears store, 

[Who really browses in Sears???  Ok, maybe a man looking for tools or a lawn mower, but I don't think you hear of a woman boasting excitement to spend her money at Sears!

It was an off day for me that day anyway.....I questioned WTF I was even doing or how I got in this Sears store in the first place.]

My purse-radar directed me past the garage door openers to the glorious handbag department.

As I walked toward the inventory, my eyes filled with sparkle and joy!  I was overwhelmed and had to focus my thoughts and figure out where to start this adventure in shopping.

As if being in a Sears store and not knowing how I arrived there isn't bad enough, what I'm about to tell you is over the top nut-farm-crazy shit!!!!

I stopped in front of the first display rack and decided this would be my starting point.  

I then said TO MYSELF with a half smile and head nod, 

"hmmmmmmm, yeah!  

This place is looking pretty good to me.  

I'm really liking the selection I see. 

 I could possibly find my ideal purse here!

OMG!  I'm so excited!"

I said it with such sincerity and passion that made me stop, laugh at myself [apparently I enjoy talking and laughing to myself A LOT], and then be very concerned that I am having full on conversations and girl time with ME! 

 AND, why is purse shopping being taken so god damn seriously in my little world of chaos around me?!?!?

Is it just me*?

Please tell me I'm not the only coo-coo bird having a blast with the company of myself and a room full of purses!!!!!

*I already know I'm not alone in this....Am I right Elise?

BTW:  I didn't find my ideal purse at Sears Roebuck and Company.

Screwed, blued, tattooed and bluetoothed

As a get well gift, 

[since my arm has been literally screwed, blued and tattooed 

*see pic at bottom of post], 

Aunt Elise sent me this retro bluetooth along with a card saying,

 "Heard you were having trouble holding your phone.  

Thought this might help"

Auntie E  has special powers of knowing when a diva needs the right equipment to communicate!!!!

 I loved the phone soooo much, that I decided to thank Auntie E with a photo shoot of all the ways it can will be used!

[Paula and Lisa were at my house when I opened it.  

They assisted as models/actresses/demonstrators/victims in the photos as well.]

Please enjoy:

'THE MANY USES OF A HOT PINK RETRO BLUETOOTH'

'The comforts of your own home' use:

"Hello!  Is this Home Shopping Network?"

"What the hell do you mean you are out of the white girl butt booster underwear?!?!?

OMG!!!  Fine then, just give me the miracle ass cellulite cream that comes with a free massage glove!!!  

And send that next day air please!!!"

'The in your car road rage' use:

"Hey lady!!!  

Yah you in the eco friendly electric Toyota!!!

Learn how to drive defensively!!!

Can't you see I'm on the phone, 

cast-ed to my armpit with the other arm, 

and driving with my knees!?!

"Oh Yeah???!!  

Really?  

I'm breaking the law?
Well let me just inform your little goody two-shoes attitude, that driving with my kneecaps is my God given-American right!!!!

AND 

F-you and your bumper sticker that tells me to hang up and drive!!!

'The gossip game with friends' use:

"Ok Becky, you can tell the story now, we are both on the phone listening.

OMG Becky!!!  

No waaaay!

You are seriously telling us that Sheri UN-FRIEND-ED all of us on Facebook????

That little tramp!
Who does she think she is???
NOBODY, AND I MEAN NOBODY

un-friends the 

Real Housewives of Salt Lake County!!!

Oh, hold on a minute Becky.....

the other line is beeping in

"It's for you Lisa.  

Your nanny wants you to come home.  

Don't let your hired help tell you what to do!!  You are the boss!! Remember that!

And besides, we have mani's and pedi's scheduled in 20 mins, so hurry it up."

'The shut your mouth while I am on the phone or I will beat you' use:

"Dammit Lisa!!!!  

I can't schedule our trip to Figi if you don't quit yapping and fighting with Paula!!!  

I'm on the phone,

 and you know I'm deaf in my good ear

 and can't hear in the other!  

QUIET!!!"

"Don't make me turn this Mercedes around!!!"

Disclaimer: Nobody was hurt in the making of this photo shoot.  

And even if they were.....

which they weren't,

but if they were......

they all signed a waiver and participated by their own free will.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, the fun screwed, blued and tattooed picture I promised you:

That's my ulna bone with seven screws.

Me and this heavy metal

 will rock it out 

side by side 

for the next 12 months.

UGH!!!

But hey!!!  It got me a kick ass hot pink phone, many gifts, cards, well wishes and yummy dinners brought to my house.

Ahhhhh...the extent that I will go through for attention......

Thanks everyone for your kindness and love!!!

It is very appreciated!

Muah!!!!

Only a little piece of Wonder Woman in me

When the boys were young, I had them believing that I was a real life super hero.

Wonder Woman to be exact.

One day Jax had an argument with his classmate. 

The classmate was calling bullshit with the super hero story.

Jax got home that afternoon very upset, so I thought I'd better quit with the 'big story' and tell the poor lad the truth.

"Jax, you know how I have told you that I am a super hero???

Well, I haven't been totally honest with you.

I am actually a Russian-French-Italian born SUPER MODEL living under cover to disguise my true identity of an international spy working for the English Parliament giving war secrets with telepathy to David Beckham through the waste band of our briefs to help queen Elizabeth give nuclear face treatments to Prince Charles and Camilla....

such a shame to be that powerful, yet so ugly.

So really my job here is to help others with their outer beauty."

There was enough in that statement to confuse the hell out of him and he never asked about it again!

Lesson #143 in how to divert a child's thought process:

Use a lot of words....it's hypnotic, 

and then they forget anything that they were obsessing with before the literary overload.

Ok.....where was I going with this post????

Think Jolie......think!

Wonder Woman......

Lies I tell my kids.......

Child lessons........

Oh yes, I remember now.

I brought up the Wonder Woman thing, because of her bullet proof wrist bands.

I am having my wrist surgery in a few short days.

They will be scoping and repairing the cartilage/ligament tears,

 and then.....

AND THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN

they will break my ulna bone, take a small piece out of it, and put it back together with a metal plate and screws!!!!!

Oh hell, I get nauseous just saying plate and screws and break and take a small piece.

Oh God....Oh God.

I thought I was ok with this.

I thought I was a strong broad.

I thought I could meditate myself through anything.

I thought I was Wonder Woman with super powers.

But now I realize the only common quality W.W. and I share will be a metal wrist guard.

 Unfortunately, FUG scars come along with mine.
Shit....I really don't want to do this!!!!
[I don't know why I'm turning into such a wimp on this thing....
it's a common surgery, 
it's JUST a wrist.....
it's NOT like they are putting a plate in my head for god's sake!!!
Waaaaah effin Waaaaaah!]

Thank you 41 year old body!!!
After all I have done for you with the late nights, over consumption of Bud Light, and the 10 extra pounds I have given you?!?!?
How could you do this to me?

You rock suck!

Reincarnation

Randy texted me this picture along with the explanation,

"Every time I see this old pic in the Kennecott training center,

 it reminds me of you"

I assume he's talking about the gal with the wild hair
 sitting on the back of the train car,
that is not exuding any work effort.

It's gotta be that one!!!

Everyone knows that I am just along for the fun ride......

because it lasts for an entire month....DUH!

I can't even believe that it's been a year since my 

'30 days of love'

 birthday celebration that you all sooooo

SPOILED ME TO EXTREMES!!!!

I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that there is this abundance of love that surrounds me.

There are not enough thank you's that could ever show my gratitude for the gifts, thoughts, and sentimental words you all shared with me.

Thank you again.....

sincerely!!!!

And so here I am, another year older.....

a few aches... 

and pains.... 

and house moves.... 

and good times...

 and belly fat under my belt.

I opened the door to a FedEx package awaiting my excitement of the reveal.

If anyone knows that I selfishly celebrate my birthday for an entire month or more, it's Auntie E.

And if anyone knows my Auntie E, you know that she is the queen of early prep and gift giving!

I anxiously cut the postal tape and said outloud,

"AWWWWWWE!!!!"

with an uncontained smile.

Inside was this beautiful metal bird cage with candles.

It quickly found it's perfect 'nesting' place on my kitchen counter.

The lime green candles are beautiful accents against the yellow lemons  and oranges of my fruit plates.

In the big yellow "OMG!" bag topped with yellow tissue paper,

[yellow being my fav color!]

was an array of wonderful surprises that had "Jolie" written all over them.

Earrings, bracelet, comedic tissues,

[Auntie E knows that I'm a sap and cry at the drop of 

anything sentimental.....

or funny... 

or happy.....

or just because I'm a crier of all things.

Tissues are a MUST have in my pocket book!]

a plaque to hang above my shoe rack,

a scarfie,

a beautiful turquoise box to put special hidden treasures in,

THE cutest card,

and two hair pretties.

I love this peacock hair clip that was hand made by a lady that she knows.

It's so classy and vintage looking.

The super soft animal print scarf,  'made in Italy' has already received much use.

I tend to wear a lot of browns and blacks, so this is a perfect addition to my wardrobe!

[Because I am a year older, you will be seeing more 'lip pucker' pics since it helps in elongating the face and smooths out the wrinkles!  HELL!!!  I might just walk around like this at all times!

What's an older girl to do but look like she is constantly posing for a facebook 'self shot'????

I'm telling ya!!! 

I'm going for drastic measures these days!]

Thanks Auntie E for always finding the most amazing gifts.

You make 'having' to get older........

fun!

loves, loves loves!!!!!

Hey!!! Is that me?

I had to do a double take when I saw the name of this herbal tea.

Was it a sign????? 

A sign from the tea Gods telling me something? 

A sign that I just had to buy some of this tea since it almost 

BORE THE SAME NAME AS MINE,

 and was wrapped in a yellow cover which is 

MY. FAVORITE. COLOR???

signs, signs, everywhere there were signs.

Hell yes I had to buy some!!!

$18.97 later and I am the proud owner of me....

in herbal form.

I think the sign I received after the purchase was......

suckah!!!

I wish my kid was blind

Yes people!

I wish my kid was blind.

I make this horrible statement because of my own ego and vanity stooping to an all time LOW!

Jax had me sit for a half an hour so that he could sketch the profile of my face.

Apparently when my kid looks at me, 

he sees Granny Clampett mixed with Granny Tweety.

And you wonder why I want him blinded??

Enough said.