Everything will be OK in the end....

I am writing this in a haze. 

I have so much pent up anxiety, fear, anger, and sorrow.

The emotion isn't from lack of warmth, support, prayers and concern from loved ones embracing my family.

It is from my own doing.

I have a hard time sharing my grief in a way that will let people in to help.

I'm not a lone soldier, yet my soul tells me this is my lone fight.

My shaken body is telling me that I need to get my emotions out on paper my blog diary to release the yesterday, so that I can deal with today and tomorrow.

We have admitted Jax back to a mental treatment center.

On 12/12/12 at exactly 12:00 pm, 

I signed authority to ambush my son into the psych unit.

I won't go into detail as to the current events that led up to the repetitive drastic measure, but I can tell you that it is out of love and concern for 

Jax, River, society, and especially Randy and I.

It's amazing how you think you would lay down your life for your child, until your life becomes threatened and you choose to love yourself more........ for survival.

Jax is doing ok, and I go in and out of hope for any kind of long term recovery.

Randy and I ache to have him home and can't bear the pain of even walking into his empty bedroom.

We also have moments of feeling relieved and comforted that Jax is in a safe environment and we have peace in our home.

There have been meetings with psychiatrists, psychologists and psych psych psych doctors up the ass!

Yesterday was a day of some life changing decisions.

While Randy and I were waiting for our appointment, with yet another psych doctor, Randy started having what we thought was a panic attack.

The anguish that we have endured is taking it's toll.

After the meeting, Randy went back to work not feeling well.

Last night, he was dizzy, disoriented, ashy skin coloring, and couldn't eat or carry on a conversation.  He said his heart was still feeling weird.

I kept a close eye on him through the night, and he woke this morning feeling unrested and weak.

I drove him to urgent care at their 8 am opening.

[I should have taken him in last night! What was I thinking?]

They immediately were concerned about his high blood pressure [ 158/118] and hooked him up to the EKG machine.

Once the report was printed, Randy was placed in a wheel chair and walked quickly to the emergency room.

His heart had been in atrial fibrillation for the last 20 hours.

The E.R. staff gave him a medicine intravenously hoping it would put his heart in a normal rhythm.   

His heart rate was bouncing from 110 to 178 in seconds.

The medicine didn't take effect.

The doctor sat at Randy's bedside and explained the next procedure.

It would be to sedate him, and shock his heart.

If this didn't work, they would have a call placed to the nearest cardiology center and have him immediately transported. The doctor said that because Randy had been in a-fib for so long, the end outcome would probably be a ride to the emergency cardiologist.

But in a "cross your fingers" effort, we will try this defibrillator process and hope there hasn't been too much damage already done.

[OH!! You know I have to get a picture of everything!!!

Documentation!!!]

The array of gooey stickers that they placed on his body was overload.

We prepared for his sedation, and he was the calmest I've seen in such nervous circumstances.

[What did it matter at this point?  He had already been poked 5 times because of veins that kept exploding.  He handled it well for a 'needle-weenie']

He was ready to do what  it took to make himself feel better.

The nurse gave him the "Micheal Jackson" drug, and within four seconds I heard him say,

"Wow!  I feel great!  This is better than bourbon!"

I gave a chuckle, and listened for the  E.R. team to ready their position to push the defibrillator button.

What I was NOT prepared for, was  to hear Randy's body bounce and his deep voice yell "OWWWWWWW!!!"

I rushed in asking , "WTF?!?!? Is he not sedated?"

The doctor heard my panic and told me that the procedure is very painful, and Randy's reaction is normal, 

but he won't remember any of it.

I was invited to stay in the room during the 'Shock wave' but I am now glad I didn't.

At the last minute, I backed out.

The sound of Randy's body convulsing in pain was more than I could bear,

 let a lone, to have the visual burned into my memory.

Life raced through my every being.

An overwhelming pain of acknowledgment came across me......

a heart can truly break due to emotional pain.

I thought of friends and family who have lost their spouses.

In that moment, I grieved for them.

I was dramatically and internally, preparing for my own grief.

I don't know how the spirit makes it through such emptiness of future living.

I was bitch slapped out of my selfishness of  'woe is me' within 10 minutes..

The entire medicated high/shock process from start to finish was 10 minutes!

It worked!!

It worked!!

He was back to a natural rhythm and his blood pressure had dropped to normal.

As he awoke in a drugged state of mind, he said,

"ahhhh, I feel GREAT!!!!  

I haven't felt this goooooood in soooooo long!!!

I just love you!"

The doctor asked him, "are you telling your wife you love her?"

Randy was still high and replied,

 "no....I'm telling ALL of you!!!  

IIIIIIII 

LOOOOOOOOVE 

YOOOOOOOU!!!!!"

He had mucho love spread to the entire room!

He remembers NONE of it!!!

Zilch!

The relief was felt by all in the room, that he was able to bounce back without further drastic measures.

[I say that sarcastically, because being voltage shocked into life is a pretty BIG drastic measure in itself!]

After an hour of stability, they released Randy with medication and gave instructions for him to get into a cardiac specialist within 5 days.

As we were driving home, I looked at my sore chested, tired husband and said,

"Is this a dream?  Did you just get your heart shocked back to life and then sent home?"

Randy weakly replied, "Yep.  And I can't even comprehend it all right now."

I brought my man home, laid him comfortably on the couch, and watched as he drifted into a peaceful, lowered heart rate sleep.

Thank you for all of your love, prayers, and energy sent to our family.

We needed it in a BIG way.

I will leave you with a quote that I took notice of yesterday:

"Everything will be OK in the end.....

If it's not OK, then it's not the end."

Only a little piece of Wonder Woman in me

When the boys were young, I had them believing that I was a real life super hero.

Wonder Woman to be exact.

One day Jax had an argument with his classmate. 

The classmate was calling bullshit with the super hero story.

Jax got home that afternoon very upset, so I thought I'd better quit with the 'big story' and tell the poor lad the truth.

"Jax, you know how I have told you that I am a super hero???

Well, I haven't been totally honest with you.

I am actually a Russian-French-Italian born SUPER MODEL living under cover to disguise my true identity of an international spy working for the English Parliament giving war secrets with telepathy to David Beckham through the waste band of our briefs to help queen Elizabeth give nuclear face treatments to Prince Charles and Camilla....

such a shame to be that powerful, yet so ugly.

So really my job here is to help others with their outer beauty."

There was enough in that statement to confuse the hell out of him and he never asked about it again!

Lesson #143 in how to divert a child's thought process:

Use a lot of words....it's hypnotic, 

and then they forget anything that they were obsessing with before the literary overload.

Ok.....where was I going with this post????

Think Jolie......think!

Wonder Woman......

Lies I tell my kids.......

Child lessons........

Oh yes, I remember now.

I brought up the Wonder Woman thing, because of her bullet proof wrist bands.

I am having my wrist surgery in a few short days.

They will be scoping and repairing the cartilage/ligament tears,

 and then.....

AND THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN

they will break my ulna bone, take a small piece out of it, and put it back together with a metal plate and screws!!!!!

Oh hell, I get nauseous just saying plate and screws and break and take a small piece.

Oh God....Oh God.

I thought I was ok with this.

I thought I was a strong broad.

I thought I could meditate myself through anything.

I thought I was Wonder Woman with super powers.

But now I realize the only common quality W.W. and I share will be a metal wrist guard.

 Unfortunately, FUG scars come along with mine.
Shit....I really don't want to do this!!!!
[I don't know why I'm turning into such a wimp on this thing....
it's a common surgery, 
it's JUST a wrist.....
it's NOT like they are putting a plate in my head for god's sake!!!
Waaaaah effin Waaaaaah!]

Thank you 41 year old body!!!
After all I have done for you with the late nights, over consumption of Bud Light, and the 10 extra pounds I have given you?!?!?
How could you do this to me?

You rock suck!

The mirror image

They (meaning me) say that what you don't like about another person,

is that in which we despise in our own selves.

The mirror image is always staring back at you.

So with that being said,

" When I look at you, I see PERFECTION!!!! 

and I love, love, love you all!!!!!!"

:)

[my own self motivational speech]

Le Frenchie

Sometimes you meet people 

and without advanced warning, 

your life is changed forever......

You only hope that your heart is open and your spirit is available to receive the experience and the greatness of this kind of opportunity.

This is the story of Yann.

My brother from the other side of the world 

but who will forever reside in my soul.

Yann was immediately recognizable as a foreigner.

We met him in the "stripper mobile"  in New Orleans on the way to the plantations.

His English was hard to understand, and in turn, he was confused by the tour guide's questions.

Elise's motherly instinct kicked in and took him under her wing.

I remember her asking him right away, "Where are you from?".

After that initial question, we found out that he was from France, his name was Yann 

(pronounced Yawn) 

and he was on a year long life adventure to travel the world.

A few bits and pieces of information regarding life, family,  and his experiences of sleeping in hostels was relayed  back and forth.

Unfortunately, the language barrier was too grand to gap deeper communications.

Elise continued her momma duties by making sure that Yann was not left alone on the tours.  She worked her way into bossing him around and thinking she could be his interpreter.

Apparently Yann likes to be told what to do, because he presented Elise with a hand made praline from the Oak Alley plantation.

"A gift for ju"

he said as he laid it in her hand.

HOOK, LINE AND STINKER!!!!

He won her heart and he would forever be her adopted son and in our family for the rest of our lives!

(All it takes is chocolate or wine, and Elise is putty in your hands)

As we were parting ways at the end of the day, Elise offered her phone number to Yann and invited him to have a place to stay and relax if  Arizona was along his travels.

Two weeks later, and 'RING, RING!'

"Hello Elise, this is your French friend Yann.  

Can I come stay at your home for a day?"

One week after the call, she was picking him up from the Greyhound bus station.

He stayed one night at Elise's home, and visited Chelise's home for a night.

They called me and told of what an amazing time they were having and I told them that they HAD to send him my way.....

"Why not?" Yann replied.

A few emails and texts between Yann and I for arrangements, and two weeks later I was picking him up in downtown SLC!!!!!!

I arrived at 11:30 Friday to share lunch with Yann at the Market Street Grill.

I was impressed by his huge improvement of speaking and understanding English since our first meeting in NOLA.

With a little help of vast hand gestures, precise words, and Google translate, we UNDERSTOOD EACH OTHER!!!!

Our communication became easier as each minute passed and as we learned each others humor.

Laughter is an international language :)

Yann is a fireman in France.  He is not married nor has children.  He sold his apartment, car and most valuables to prepare for his year of traveling the world.  His schedule is 3 months in the US, 3 months in Canada, and 3 months in Japan.

He started his trip in London then flew to NYC.  He purchased an unlimited Greyhound pass to get him around the US.  Utah was like his 10th stop at this point, and he is just in the beginning of his adventure.

[He is infatuated with the old west stories of America and had hopes of seeing a real cowboy gunfight!  He has been sorely disappointed that he has only witnessed actors dressed as cowboys with toy guns!]

After a great lunch of salad, bread and coffee, we took the walking adventure to the Salt Lake LDS Temple.

Yann had many questions about the Mormon culture.  He was in awe by the beauty of the Temple and the grounds.  We happened on a shitload of photo shoots and wedding parties.  I'm pretty sure you can see us in the back ground of random wedding pictures, hunched over and dodging the lens!

Yann was beside himself when he learned of NO:

coffee,

tobacco,

alcohol,

gambling,

and sex before marriage

in the LDS religion.

He couldn't understand why anyone would want to deny themselves of these 'sinful' pleasures.  

Europe would collapse without living by this list!!!!

[Yann lives by no religion yet he is very interested in learning about all religions]

After more touring of the city, we came to my house to relax with a glass of wine......

I guess just thinking of a life without alcohol made us both shaky and  needed a fix STAT!

Then I remembered I had kids!!!

Oh yes!!!!  I have a son that needs to be retrieved from school!!!!

"Hurry Yann!!!  

Get in car.

We go get River."

"I look forward to meet River 

[he pronounces the 'i' as a long vowel]

and Rrrandy and Jox."

Immediately, there was a bond between Yann and River in their first hand shake.

The four of us [Riv, Yann, me and Daisy] walked around Daybreak lake and enjoyed the sunshine and and Yann's experience of a Utah community.  He was impressed with so many active people and families exercising together.

 We talked of the American way of life with big houses, overindulgence in food, and everything being on a fast pace.

France encourages relaxing and enjoying the moment.

They do not allow excessive work hours.  You must take care of yourself in all aspects.

Yann was dreaming of playing his guitar next to the lake while lounging.

[He often takes his guitar to a park and plays. 

 People try to give him money and he gives it back to them,

"Please no pay me.  

I play for my own pleasure.  

I hope you find pleasure in my play too."]

We finished our walk and decided it was time for a drink and a game of pool at the local sports bar.

I ordered us a 'Shock Top' beer and headed for the game room.

Yann grabs my arm and said, 

"I hope you ready to lose!" 

and backed his statement with a look of competitiveness.

THIS FRENCHMAN HAS NO IDEA WHO HE IS DEALING WITH!!!!!

I am competitive at some things to a fault.....I will go down in blood and tears proving I have the upper hand!!!

I said back to him,

"Well, you will win only because I let you win!"

We laughed and both put on our game faces!

He kicked my ass hardcore!

But he was very patient and kind to River and allowed him to win a couple of games.

[Yann went to the bar to buy us a 2nd beer and the waitress handed him a menu.  Yann said, 

"No thank you. I not hungry."  

The waitress handed it back to him and said that he must order food.  Yann replied, 

"I no undertand.  I no hungry.  Thank you."

The waitress explained that when ordering a second drink, Utah law states that you have to have food accompanying the alcohol.

He came back to our table with beer, a basket of chips and a perplexed look on his face.  He said, 

"Utah make you eat with a drink?  I respect law, but I think stupid law. I not hungry so I get chips just for law.  If I have 3 beer I have to buy a steak dinner? They make you too full to drink alcohol"  LOL!]

The above picture is one of my favorite captured moments.

My new soul brother playing guitar with my son......

be still my heart!

There were many times throughout their time together that made me imagine that these would have been the same type of experiences River and Damon would have shared.

Randy came home from work and the two met for the first time.

Randy was smitten and this was the start of  their 'bromance'

[Yann has this effect on all people.  He is appreciative of EVERYTHING you do for him, and is respectful of each individual.]

They shared a glass of bourbon together and talked of Yann's travels.

 Lisa came to for a visit later that evening.

They have a love of wine and running marathons in common.

Saturday morning we took a drive to Park City.

I had hopes to ride the zip line and Alpine slide.

Unfortunately neither were open for the season so we walked main street and had lunch at Wasatch pub.

Yann was thrilled to see the Olympic ski jumps and flags.

The afternoon went by quickly, and we needed to make our way back to the valley for a BBQ/birthday party at 5:30.

[poor Yann.....we kept him so busy.]

It was lil Ryann's 5th birthday that we were celebrating.

I was beyond proud to introduce my family of friends to Yann.

Everyone was so good to him.

I could see that he was taking it all in.

He enjoyed watching the inner workings of everyone's relationship.

He fit right in and was comfortable in engaging.

[He bought a bottle of very nice French wine as a gift to the hostess]

 Derek and Lisa's daughter Grace, is learning French in her class.  Yann and Grace spent time talking about brown horses. 

[The words that Grace knows best in French]

It was so damn cute!!!!!

Derek grilled up some awesome beer brats, bbq chicken and vegetables.

Lisa is a wonderful baker.

The Sim's family was inviting and gracious to our foreigner friend.

Great food, drink and laughter was shared between all of us.

A reservation was awaiting us at the piano bar for 9:00 pm.

We scooped up Frenchie and was on our way to Keys On Main for a night of music and MORE celebration.

Irish car bombs* were ordered continually with a 'salute' before drinking each one.

* Guinness beer mixed with a shot of Bailey's Irish Cream

Jay, Lyns and Moi

[you know these peeps]

Marilyn and Brian

[Yann called Brian 'Hercules God' because of his strong jaw]

Singing, dancing and crazy fun ensued.

That is, until Derek spilled my beer in my purse 

[I know it was totally on purpose!] 

and so I took my orange and threw it at his face.  

He was blinded in the right eye by citrus juice for the rest of the evening!!! 

 I say it was deserving.

Super yummy girl shots that make a person say,

"HEY OOOOOOOO!!!!!"

Jay's famous camera 'alone time'.

We closed down the bar with one last dance and sing a long to my most fav country song, "friends in low places".

[I say this with all sarcasm!  You know I despise this song!]

It was a day of PERFECTION with my loved ones.

The next morning Yann woke a little red eyed, and was looking forward to some 'sucks juice'.

[he kept saying American coffee is sucks juice, meaning weak]

Being Mother's Day, we met with the Brown family for a delicious brunch at the Porcupine Grill.

[Yann posted this picture on his Facebook.  His French friends asked if had had married into a large Mormon family and if Randy was his father-in-law and Boss of the family ranch! LOL!]

Next on our agenda was to ride the tram at Snowbird.  

Yet again, it wasn't open for the season, so we made the best of  our time by watching the skiers fly to the bottom of the run.

The scenery was so beautiful that enjoying the sunshine and nature was more than fulfilling.

This would be our last night with Yann.  His Greyhound was leaving the next day for Kansas and we were all emotional about the anticipated departure.

I couldn't quit crying and had to apologize for being such a boob.

I explained to Yann that it was the anniversary of my brother's death, and that being around Yann made me miss him terribly.

I felt like Damon sent him to me on this weekend to show me and my family a glimpse of what having a brother and an uncle would have been like.

He said,

"I understand.  

My eyes see in your eyes.  

I see your soul.  

It ok to cry.  It ok. 

I understand."

He then picked up his guitar and sang 'No woman no cry' by Bob Marley to me.

I sank into a puddle of tears full of deep appreciation.

It was my new soul brother that helped me live a piece of my blood brother....

even if just for a weekend.

I call Yann 'The traveling angel'.

He has changed my life by bringing beauty, culture, kindness, compassion, and peace to my home.

Please do not fear the unknown.

We must trust people, and our own gut instincts to help, love, and welcome our unknown brothers and sisters in to our life.

Opening our home and heart to good people,

 only brings great gifts that we could have never imagined.

Au revoir Frenchie

merci

When I grow up, I want to be happy

After posting the situation that we are in regarding Jax, 

I decided that that was my purge, 

my exorcism, 

and the end of my 'woe is me'.

Don't get me wrong, everything I feel and mourn is valid.

I am not understating the severity of what the last two weeks, let-alone the last 12 years of Jax's life issues have been.

I know that we have a lot of lessons to learn and some trying times ahead, but for right now 

I am choosing happiness.

I choose to look at the gifts of help that we have been given as a light that I can start to see flickering at the end of the scary, winding tunnel.

I choose to look at our home now filled with peace and love, as an earned vacation.

I choose to be thankful for all who care and support our family, 

by now being present and not reclusive.

I choose to wake up, get my ass out of bed, and take on the day for what it is, and leave the drama and erratic emotions behind.

Thank you all for being patient while I 'grow up' and learn to understand life.

Life is choice.

Life is good.

Life is love.

Life will be is happy.

xoxo


[This John Lennon quote reminded me of a time last week when I was sitting in a psychiatrist's office.  The doctor asked me what changes I wanted to see in Jax so that they could better help him.
I blurted out the first thing that came to mind:
"I just want him to be able to feel happiness."
It's that simple, yet all encompassing.]

Out of all the fish in the sea....he brought home a carp

I truly know that I was not the ideal catch most mothers would be proud of their son to bring home and introduce to the family.

I've talked about this before, 

but I will remind you all that I was only 17 when Randy and I met.

We came from different worlds.  

Randy had a Christian upbringing with both parents still in tact in their conservative home.

Up until a couple years before we met, Randy was still playing with Tonka trucks and riding bicycles with his friends to see car shows and grab a Slurpee.

The epitome of a straight-laced innocent boy.

By 17 I had already been through three step moms 

and a birth mother that moved as far away from me to not have any parental responsibility; 

a father who worked strange hours,  loved women and made bad choices to which his children paid dearly for.

 I had experienced drug induced highs, alcohol, and sex.  

I  barely graduated high school yet managed to have enough character to be dedicated to a sales job at JC Penney.

I was full of piss-n-vinegar, eyeliner,  immaturity, short skirts, big earrings, and Aqua Net.

Other than being able to afford a better hairspray these days, 

I am still most things on that list.

I know my mother in law continues at times to have concern and worry about her son's decision.

Out of all the fish in the sea....he brought home a carp.

24 years later, I am still a carp but hide it in pink salmon clothing to blend into a different class that is upstream.

Sometimes I can pull it off.

Most of the time, I don't want to pull it off.

I like being a stinky bottom of the lake eater.

I like my trucker mouth.

I like my crude humor.

I like beer.

I like my edgy outfits.

I like my choice in music....even if it is offensive to others.

I like being me!

Even though I am a bit on the kooky side of life, 

I will give myself credit that I am a good wife and mother....

in spite of my upbringing.

The older I get, the more I realize that being true to myself is what brings me the most security and confidence and peace to our family.

Thank you to my friends and fam that enjoy trash fish too :)

You make me feel accepted.

My mother-in-law and I have many ideas that are on the opposite end of the spectrum.

We both enjoy tea, coffee, writing, and gambling.

Beyond that, I would say that we have very different likes and have led  our lives in the extreme of left wing/right wing contradiction of each other.

But even with the yin yang of our personalities, we have always loved each other and continue to learn how keep the difference gap to a minimum disruption.

The music and videos that I post on my blog are foreign to M.I.L, and painful for her to listen to.

I appreciate that she takes the time and patience to 'give it a try' even though she can probably predict that our tastes in music is almost un-meshable.

I had a goal to some day find a song or a melody that we both could find as beautiful.

M.I.L. left a comment regarding my last post on Jack White.

Many of you don't read the comments, so I wanted to present her words on my main page for you to take in.

Today I ate in the dining room with all the 'old folks' 

A 40 something man led his mother to the piano 

where they had often played duets together. 

She is very frail and quite old. 

He started but her hands fell to her lap. 

He gently put her hands back on the keys and started playing. 

[I'm crying as I write this]. 

I held my breath, 

she slowly started then played more confidently 

they played a few songs and he led her back to their table

 while everyone applauded. 

Now That was beautiful music.  

M-I-L

To my mother-in-law......

It is you,

the wiser and more worldly of  the two, 

 that has brought beautiful music that we both can cry over and feel it's effect on the soul.

Thank you.

I love you.

xoxo,

Your daughter- in- law the carp.