Vegas 2012....."The Shocker"

 This is gonna be a loooooong post that includes a ton of pictures.

Go get a glass of wine, kick your feet up, and relax a while.

I'm only hoping the full effect of my story comes thru.

There were a lot of "you just had to be there" moments.

Also, without Paula's fabulous facial expressions, and her talent of duplicating black girl slang, I'm positive that you are missing out on the full vaca interpretation.

But we will give this a whirl anyway.......

BTW:  I call this "The Shocker", because there were many events where my face was dropped to my knees in complete awe and disbelief of moments happening in front of me.

Read on.....I think you will agree.

The Vegas prep started on Thursday afternoon.

Paula and I met up with a Starbuck's in our hands at the salon of:

 "ahhhh leh me do yewh nails!!! 

yewh wan flowahr?

ohhhh!!! yewh feet very ruff!

yewh nevewr get dis done befawr?

yewh nee to do dis mawr.

dis not good.

 buffy, buffy, 30 bucky"

I walked out a little raw, but was ready to kick this shit into full gear!!!!!

Vegas!!!!  

Here WE come!!!

I took a Tylonal PM at around 7 that eve to guarantee a good sleep. I knew it would most likely be my last good sleep for the next three days!!!

I woke spry, got myself ready and was to pick up Paula by 8 am Friday morning.

We parked my car at the Park n Ride near the airport.

One of the businessmen next to us on the shuttle asked,

"where are you girls headed?"

We blurted out "VEGAS!!!!"

He replied, "that's exactly where I thought you were going!"

We must have had a 'SIN CITY' neon sign blinking on our forehead.

Who knew we were so readable!!!

Speaking of readable.......

EVERY time I have had to get nakee and go through the airport security scanner, they think I'm packin'!  

I am pulled to the side, get a rub/pat down by a big woman with a 5 o'clock shadow.  

She seems to be enjoying the frisk....

me, not so much!

After the groping, my palms are then wiped with a cloth which they put in a machine to detect something.....

something like BOMB MATERIAL???!?!?  

GUNPOWDER???!?!?

RADIO ACTIVE WASTE????!?!?

SERIOUSLY??? DO I LOOK THAT SMART?

The correct answer is no.

The only thing they detected on my skin was moles, freckles, nicotine, and bath and body lotion!

I was free to go!

FINALLY!!!! 

We can board the plane!!!

Our excitement was uncontainable.

We had vowed that we were going to start this trip off with a drink and continue a good level buzz the entire time.

This would help keep our minds off of our duties and guilts back home.

We knew that this trip would be done sooner then we would want, 

so we didn't want to waste a minute of it by doing anything BUT enjoying the moments we were in.

Unfortunately a rank moment came waffing up our way.

Now that was not super enjoyable!!

A couple of little farty-pants boys were sitting in front of us with  their feet on the seats, knees pulled in and ass in full position of birthing a gas baby!!!

Talk about an airborne toxic event!!!

I almost threw up.

The kid HAD to have sharded himself because the continual linger of  

'McDonald's chicken nugs gone bad'

hovered under my nose the entire time!

The dude next to us was laughing at Paula and I's gag-face.

Paula turned to him and said,

"Hey!!!! THAT is not from us!!!  

Just in case you were wondering!!!!"

Those little words opened a door to a fun convo and drink with our new friend John.

John was a Bloody Mary drinker too and was kind enough to buy us our second round.

Now, this flight to Vegas is only an hour.

I hadn't eaten ANYTHING that morning, due to total nerves and excitement for the weekend.

Paula and I slammed the two drinks and by the time we got off that plane.......

we were happy, happy, happy!!!!

I even forgave little poopy-stink at that point too!!!!

The cab ride to our hotel was interesting as always.

Lot's of praying and handle grabbing involved.

Our cabbie was saying some kind of blah, blah the entire ride and the only thing I remember about it, was that he had met Oprah and she's just like any other rich fat  black woman.

Good to know!

Good to know!

Then, out of nowhere...

I hear a heavenly choir mixed with harps as we entered the way to my most favorite hotel in the ENTIRE WORLD!!!!

This hotel is the image that I use as my 'happy place' when I am meditating.

The Aria.

The minute you walk in, you are embraced by the smells of cigars, coffee, sandalwood, and chocolate.

Even though this was my third stay at Aria, I was still madly in love at and twitter-pated walking in.

The beauty never gets old.

We walked right over to the 'INVITED GUESTS' podium.

Because.........

Our entire weekend stay was FREE!!!!!

Yes, you heard me!

Free! Free! Free!!!

I guess this is one of the really good things about having a birthday.

Casino's send you amazing birthday gifts :)

We checked in, unpacked our bags, and headed for food STAT!

The time is now

11:00 am Vegas time.

We enjoyed deep girl talk over pizza, beer, coffee and water.

Even though Paula and I see each other often, we rarely get the time to delve into life.

This was probably one of my fav Vegas moments.

Once we got all that deep shit out of the way,

 we were on like donkey kong!!!!

No more talking.....let's do some walking!!!!

We walked through the Bellagio gardens.

This year they have an Chiense theme.

This is where we met our newly hitched couple.

I'd like to introduce:

Mr. and Mrs. Leprechaun.

This guy had the reddest, pubiest, widest, longest  face chops I've ever seen.

I guess Vegas presented a more  upscale nuptial then their trailer park's community center.

[doh!!!! did I just say that???]

It seemed to be unanimously annoying to people when we asked to have our picture taken.

This picture was taken by a lady who wanted to throw the camera at our faces.

Before we could even get to a posing spot, she took the pic and said,

"oh, I don't think you were ready, but you're ok" and handed it back and left in a fast walk.

We were like, WTF?!?!?

I don't know why we questioned her attitude over the teenage wasteland smoking dope openly while jamming on their guitar just to the left of us!

Contact high!!!!

[I see that you are all wondering which bridge we were on once you heard about  where you can get the 'contact high!!  It was the walkway that connected Bellagio to Planet Hollywood]

We walked, shopped, people watched and found the icon for our weekend's motto.

Back at the room we treated ourselves to room service while looking over the glorious lights from our view.

We were done eating around 6 and proceeded to get ourselves all gussied up for the night on the town!

2 hours later.......

and we were ready to boogy woogy oogy!!!!

1st stop:  Carnival Court.

The band Mr. and Mrs. Smith was on stage.

They play a lot of Black Eyed Pea's and booty bumpin' tunes.

This chica can move her body in ways that make men crazy.

Our usual enjoyment of Carnival Court also includes the awesome bar tenders who put on a show with flipping bottles, blowing whistles, and making towered waterfall drinks.

Something has changed....
maybe it's that the head tender, Christian is no longer there....

I don't know the exact reasons, but the energy is fizzled.

To say that I am bummed out about this, is a total understatement!!!!!

Carnival Court has been my resting place for the last 5 years!

Many good times and memories have been created in those seats around that bar.

This is going to be a hard one to mourn!

2nd stop:  Toby Keith's Bar and Grill.

Our friends, 'Left of Centre' are the house band and it's always good to catch up with them.

3rd stop:  O'Shea's.

Remember the band Garage Boys that I posted about a while back??

They are O'Shea's house band and still rock til the early morning!!!

Morning, meaning 4 am!!!!

Between the walking....

 and dancing ....

to 3 different bands...... 

all in one night.....

 til 4 in the morning.....

in these shoes.....

my feet were on FIYAH by the time we got back to the room!

Paula was feeling similar tootsie pain from her rockin' boots.

And yes, we definitely were made to wear sensible shoes the next night!!!

~Saturday~

After a few hours of sleep (4), 

we lounged, 

ordered room service AGAIN, 

listened to music TV, and eventually got our asses ready and out the door to enjoy the 73 degrees Vegas had to offer.

We just LOVED having beers in the mall, the streets, the drug stores, the taxis, etc.

Just makes a person feel grown up and limitless!!!!!

While in the drug store to get Paula throat lozenges because of her lost voice from laughing too hard, we asked some people where a fun place to party would be for the night.

Everyone suggested the "Beauty Bar" on Freemont Street.

We were soooooo frahreekin' excited to try somewhere new......that was until we checked their website and it was a $25 cover charge and would cost us $30 in taxi fare to get there....non of this includes our drinking tab.

We decided to think on it, and continued to walk the Miracle Mile shops.

I'm just a talkin' talkin' talkn' 

when Paula yells,

"Hey!!!!  There's Dog The Bounty Hunter!!!!"

I look up in time to see him and Beth face on!!!!!

They both look exactly like they do on TV.  Beth wasn't in stelleto's so she seemed a bit short and Dog's hair wasn't as fried as I thought it would be.

They were dodging people's pictures and trying to get through the mall quickly.

Paula ran behind them to get this shot of the back of their head!!!!

That was so much fun to be just in the right place to see them at that time!!

All this excitement made us famished!!!

We kept our food and beverage intake on a steady roll.

More walking and shopping and then we headed back to our hotel.

"Some girls are bigger than Others"

After laughing til we had to flop on the bed in tears we realized this song was our anthem.

After spending BOO-KOO $$ on alcohol the night before, we smartened up and got a 6-pack of Bud Light from the local ABC store, stocked up on free shots of Jager from the casino waitress, and utilized the Red Bull's that I smuggled in my suit case from home.

Oh YAH Baby!!!!!

Round two of Vegas!

As you can see....the second night consisted of flip flops for Paula and my everyday go-to comfy boots.

Not quite the Vegas bling, but our feet continued to throb and want to detach themselves to bitch-slap us in the faces after what we put those puppies through the night before!!!

owee owee owee!!!!

We were late getting out of our room and the agenda of the evening was getting narrowed back down to the places we know.

The plan was to do a quick stop to see  the Mr. and Mrs. Smith band one last time, then head over to O'shea's to finish the eve dancing to the Garage Boys.

We were still giddy about drinking openly in the taxi!!!

My bottle sat in an interesting way under my seat belt.

I was stunned by the realization of what I would like like if I were a man.

We tell the cabbie, "Harrah's please".  

I then asked the cabbie where he was from.

Why do I have to do that shit???

Why ask a cabbie anything??

This was the response,

"kkkk...kkkk...keeeeek....kkkk...pah..pah..kkkkk.kkkkkkkkkkaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh...tuh..tuh...tuh..kkkkkkkkkkkkkkk....lalalalalpahpah.

Kenya"

OH. MY. HELL!!!!

He is a stutterer!

Now I feel like shit.

 I feel sorry for him and sorry that I even asked him this question.

  It was excruciatingly painful.

So, to not make it look like he's different then the rest of us and that we do not pity the man, 

Paula asks even more questions!!!!!

She is so kind hearted.  

She is  genuinely sensitive to people with disabilities.

Just one of the qualities I admire in her.

BUT I WAS DYING!!!!

I WANTED TO JUMP FROM THE CAB AND TAKE WHATEVER BLOOD AND BRUISES WOULD COME WITH IT!!!!!

JUST GET ME AWAY FROM THIS ANXIETY OF WAITING FOR AN ANSWER!!!!

Shit all mighty!!!

Where is a nerve pill when you need one!!?!!

The Garage Boys didn't disappoint!!!!

They were rockin the house as we entered.

Immediately we see that the audience is just as entertaining.

Making gyrating and open legged dance moves directed to the band, was a lady in her 60's.

She had long grey hair, mommy jeans, tennis shoes, and I think a shirt that had horses and "ALASKA"  printed on the front.  She was giving all she had to release her inner stripper/temptress.  Her side kick was a gal in her 20's wearing a sequinned tight mini dress.

The oddness of the couple was obvious but I didn't realize how dysfunctional it truly was until the young gal turned to me and said, 

"This is my mother in law!!!!  Isn't she great!!??!?"

Wha.....wha......WHAT THE HELL?!?!?

ewwwww.

That, in my humble opinion, is taking the m.i.l. relationship to a level of WRONG!

Paula zoned in on a table directly in front of the stage that had just become available.

We grabbed our shit and sprinted with elbows out to block any others  who thought they would have a chance at taking said available table.

Hey!!!  It's a crazy world out there!!!

You have to figure out how to fend for yourself or you get left in the dust!!

And you all should know by now, that Paula and I no likee dust!

From our new seats, we are introduced to the next audience show.

M.i.l. has nothing on the upcoming event!!!

We made a request for Stone Temple Pilots to be played.

The band obliged, and belted out Interstate Love Song.

Apparently we aren't the only lovers of these lyrics!!

A Chris Farley look-a-like planted himself in front of the tall speaker blaring at his head!

He shook that blond- greasy- stringy hair all around  and combined it with a bodily convulsion that I assumed was a dance move.

WOW!

wowee wow wow!!

Chris Farley made sure to let Paula know that she has great taste in music, all the while flipping his hair like a school girl.

This night just continues to get weirder and weirder.

A lady walked directly up to the band with a look of anger.

Even the band seems a bit concerned with her intentions.

She continued to glare and stagger on her feet while they were addressing her issue with them.

She then grabbed one of the chairs from our table, and sat down facing the crowd.

Her hair was brittle and dirty and confused of what it was supposed to be doing.

Her eyeshadow was bright blue with glitters which I assumed was a type of arts and crafts finger paint.

Her Playboy bunny shirt was black with a silver iron on that was starting to flake off in certain areas.

A thin black scarf around her neck was the accessory and

a pair of silky pajama bottoms topped her black panty hose.

Her eyes were closed while she listened to the music and slooooooooowly slicked her hair back with her hands ending in a frizzled pony tail on top of her head.

Then taking each side of her long bangs and pulling them from the pony to stick to the sides of her face.

I turned to Paula and said,

"Watch this!!! Just watch!!!!

Chris Farley and Playboy bunny are going to hook up!!!!!

[referring back to my lid for every garbage can theory]

Sure as hell!!!!

They locked eyes and started sharing moves on the dance floor that I've nevah seen before!

We can see that Playboy bunny is just 'not right'.  It's hard to tell what her problem stems from.....

could be alcohol, 

could be drugs, 

could be  just flat out CRAZYTOWN!

Regardless, Paula and I were worried for her especially now that she has intertwined herself the the creeper Chris Farley!!!

We had asked her a couple times at the table if she was OK.

Chris Farley didn't seem to like that we showed concern for his new flame.  He would get more agitated as we talked to her.

A break in the band, and Paula and I took that opportunity to hit the restroom.

One side of the room has the wash station.

The other side has a mirror and two chairs, which is where 3 black prostitutes were stationed doing some primping.

Our little Playboy bunny gal was in the bathroom too.

****Warning****

What I'm about to tell you is for adult eyes only!!! It is very disgusting and crude.

Read at your own risk!!!!

Bunny walked out of the toilet area over to the wash station.

Paula said to her, "oh honey...you need to pull up your pants".

Playboy bunny's response????

"I wash my p***y every time I go to the bathroom.  

Shit can get messed up down there!"

and she proceeded to waddle her way back to the toilets with her wet cloth and her silk shorts around her ankles.

The shock was all over our faces as we stared at each other.

One of the the prostitutes said,

"that gurl been drinkin too much!!!!"

then turned to her hooker associates and said,

"come on girls, let's get outta here!"

PLAYBOY BUNNY EVEN SCARED THE BIG BLACK PROSTITUTES AWAY!!!

WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU??

It tells you that a prostitute wouldn't even deal with that shit, so a normal person REALLY should run away!!

NOPE!

Not me and Paula.

We stuck around to talk to bunny even more!!!!

[we must not be right in the head either!]

As she comes toward us, she sat in a chair.

Paula was asking her if she was doing ok and other questions about her life.

The story is very sad and it was apparent that mental illness was very involved. 

Then Paula notices bunny's scarf, and without hesitation says,

"OH!!! that's not a scarf.....those are nylons around your neck!!!"

Bunny responds with, "yah, sometimes I've just gotta improvise".

[btw: these panty hose had dried white crustys!!  

i know....

i throw up in my mouth every time i think of her rubbing that part around her face and hair!!!!]

At this point my head is spinning from so many WTF's that I am wide eyed and mouth dropped when we hear Chris Farley outside the restroom talking to security about

TWO BLONDES HARASSING HIS GIRLFRIEND!!!

Paula turns to me and says, "He's calling security on US!"

Security came in the room and we ran right up to them.

Told them we were just trying to help the girl and that Chris Farley is a crazy mo-fo!!!!

They helped escort us out of the bathroom and had to hold Chris Farley back while he was yelling, 

"those are the blondes!!!!  

they are harassing my girlfriend!!!"

 We were relieved to find out that bunny and Chris Farley were kicked out.

Whew...now we can breath easy.

A few songs and dances go by, and there is bunny and Chris Farley again!!!!

By this point we just don't care.

He continued to make weird dance moves directed toward us and bunny continued to swing her panty hose around like a boa.

We had plenty of peeps watching out for us, so we let go of fear and worry and enjoyed the freak show!

~Sunday~

We were able to have our room the entire day of Sunday, so we utilized that opportunity to sleep in, order room service AGAIN, and get ourselves packed up at our leisure.

We relaxed on the comfy bed and watched the beginning of the Oscars.

Then......it was time.

The time Paula and I had been dreading the entire weekend.

Time to go back to our reality.

That's not saying that either one of us have anything of our reality to bitch about!!

I'm just saying, that after a weekend of only looking out for yourself and a bestie while laughing til you lose your voice, we knew  what the shock would be to morph back into mommy town.

I'm so proud of both of us to be able to let go of it all if for only 3 days and 2 nights.

I think we both found a little piece of ourselves that has been locked away since b.c. [before children].

It is a bursting feeling knowing that we are still funny, sexy, kookie, easy going gals.

Every woman needs a rejuvenation and a found sense of self every so often to keep her inner soul alive a bright.

My inner soul is so bright after this Vegas trip that I'm pooping neon!

Thanks Paula :)

I love you my SFAM!!!