I told my son that I hate him.
It was blunt and to his face.
I am disappointed by the fact that I truly feel that way about my own child at times.
I am disgusted that I couldn't be a mature adult and control my feelings.
Those words do not get taken back.
I did not sign up for this kind of mindfuck.
I do believe that my parenting experience is not the 'norm.'
I never imagined that one day I would feel so much pain from my son's behavior, mental illness, and bad choices, that I would spit words of hatred while looking him in the eyes.
We are supposed to feel love and adoration for our children,
not feel like they are our enemy.
I am a different, hardened person from motherhood.
Most of the time I just take it day by day.
Some days are pure love and joy......
but most days are unfortunately not.
I have been through tragedies and many a heart ache in my lifetime.
I don't remember ever asking, "Why me?"
I always thought, "Why NOT me?"
My Pollyanna outlook is getting jaded.
Lately I have pathetically asked this question to the universe,
"Why was this child was placed with me?
Seriously!!!!
WHY THE FUCK ME???!""
When I figure out the answer....
I will let you know.
4 comments:
Aw Jolie, I wish I was there to give you a great big hug!!! You are an amazing mother! I am constantly in awe of you. I believe he came to you because you offer him something that nobody else can. And because there must be something you need to learn from him. It's OK to feel the way you are feeling and I gotta tell you- you inspire me for being honest and open about it! Keep your head up friend and enjoy your break away, it will be good for both of you. Tomorrow IS a new day and always remember what an amazing light you are in my life and everyone you are around! Love you lady!
I have no of wisdom for you. Jolie, you have surpassed me in parenting skills, I just tried to keep them alive. Each child is different, their needs and wants change daily.I know how deep your pain is. You will survive this,just know that we all love and support you.
You are an amazing mother! You are an amazing woman! You are not the only one who says things you can't take back...been there! I love you. So many people love you!! We are blessed to call you a friend. He is blessed to have you as a mother. Don't forget to ask for help. You are not alone.
I wish you strength and courage as you face each challenge and deal with this difficult situation.
You are in my prayers..daily
m-i-l
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