Get him off our back!!!

This is a real live dead and stuffed spider monkey.

Only our family and the peeps close to me know the story of this monkey, 

and how he was hung on a wall, 

collecting years of  dust, 

and giving all who entered the home he shared with his owner, 

this look of pure crazed jungle fever!!!

From what I understand, there are people out there who like to collect the "strangely different" things in life.

To those of you who I am describing, 

TODAY IS YOUR LUCKY DAY!!!!

Take this monkey off our back.

The bid starts at $20 which is a REAL steal if you look around at what other dust/smoke  infested  stuffed monkeys go for.

We adjusted this price to bottom dollar to compensate for a missing finger that has been used as a prosthetic in a different region of the monkey's body.

[btw: Elise and I have NOOO idea of how that finger broke off!!!! 
We were neeeeveeer there!!! 

 You hear me?!?!?

NEVER THERE!!!!!]

Let's just say that the monkey may not be hung on the wall anymore.....

but since the finger transplant this lil buddy is still hung.

**Jay D and Paula....I know you really wanted this for your family room.
Call me....we can work out a deal.

In honor of Whitney....ok, not really.

Chris Cornell did this Whitney Houston cover.

Finally!!!! 

It took Chris to make me like something from Whitney!!!

(actually I liked Dolly Parton's  original version of this song too)

I appreciate Whitney's talent, but I place her right next to X-tina Fuguilera.

The OVER THE EFFIN TOP voice ladders along with the finger beats on the microphone,  the acceptance of her drug addictions and her crazy outbursts are more annoying than music to my ears.

I invite hate mail if you feel the need.

If you knew the week  that I have had.....

hate mail would be one of the sugary highlights!!!

And yes....maybe I'm taking out my wrath on a dead Whitney.

[May she rest in peace in whackadoo heaven]

.....but if you still have to vent your Whitney anger toward me,

Go ahead, 

Make my day!!!!

but first...enjoy Chris Cornell :)

And I will always love you.

p.s.  I'm thinking some good ol' rock-n-roll bands should do more covers from these bubble gum singers!!!

The words take on a different context when it comes from a long haired, raspy voiced, acoustic playing butt rocker!!!

I like the taste of that kind of context better.

It's soul food to me.

Wax on Wax off

The sun was shining today, 

and even though there was a nip in the air, 

Daisy and I decided that we needed to walk off some anxiety and get some vita D on our cheeks.

Well, I needed vita D....

Daisy needed an uninterrupted hour of frenzy sniffing other dog's shit.

Man does she love that!!!

We both got our fix while walking the loop at Daybreak lake.

If you think this image that I have funked up with a photo app is freaky......

you shoulda seen the dude that was eerily walking on the path wearing a hat, scarf, coat, and gloves......

yet NO FAHREKKIN SHOES!!!!!

This naturalist was barefoot as Bigfoot and weird as Waldo.

Don't worry about me though!!!

I went through every horrible scenario that this "creeper" could do to me since we were the only fools within a quarter mile.

Then I came up with all kinds of good self defense moves for such scenarios.

Let's just say that while I was speed walking/jogging/tripping over Daisy, 
I sporadically busted out  the 

Karate Kid 'Crane Technique'.

Nobody!! And I mean NOBODY messes with this crazy bird!!!!!

Hiyah!!!!

The best flash induced closed-eye EVER!!!!

If this doesn't make your Wednesday start with a giggle and a smile...

then you should just call it a day already!!!

Go back to bed.....

pull the covers over your face.....

and we will see you tomorrow.

Dumbs are not blonde

"Geez!!", 

I thought to myself....

"Bangerter has turned into a real piece of shiz!!!

My car feels like it is ready to veer off into the brush because of

 these ruts!"

I continued to drive Riv to school and then back home to end the 8 mile trek.

All the while, I am ignoring the light on my dashboard that tells me my tire pressure is low.

I also ignore the good amount of wibble wobble I am doing in my lane.

In my defense.....

 I have a morning talk show and good music to listen to during my drive!!!

I don't have time to be thinking of tire issues ok!?!?!!?

You know my motto: music over responsibility!!!!

I only noticed my flat rubber after I let Daisy out of the back seat.

I said outloud, 

"wow!  so that's why my car was jerking off!"

Really Jolie?!?!?

Ya think?

Sometimes I even wonder how I got this stupid!!!

[this picture makes it look like the tire is just low.....

IT'S NOT just low!!!!

It's FLAT! 

as flat as my dumb ass!!!]

Go back to your own country!

While trying to exit a busy parking lot,

we were stopped by an over-sized truck trying to  park in an under-sized space.

Ya know that clip of Austin Powers

 pulling forward, 

reversing back, 

pulling forward, 

reversing back in a repetitive act, 

yet only moving an inch each time the direction on his transmission changed,

just to fit into a small space???

That is what we witnessed.

We were all commenting on what a &*^%$&* this person was, and that he should have just went to the North-40 to park appropriately and walk his lazy ass the few extra steps to the entrance of the building.

Jax noticed that the license plate on the truck was NOT from Utah, and but was from Texas.

This gave him reason to blurt out his genius thoughts!

"That dude is from Texas!!!  

No wonder he can't drive here!!! 

 Stupid Canadian's!!!  

They should go back to their own country!"

Randy and I both said "WHAT?!?!?" in unison.

I guess the look on our face made him second-guess his statement.

Jax recoiled his anger and said,

 "Hey wait!!! 

If he's from Texas, 

then I guess we all are Canadians 

because Texas is in America!!!

Right mom?!?"

eh?

Boot up the ass parenting

This is a video of a father who 'has had it up to here' with his teenage daughter and her lack of respect by posting a foul letter to her parents on Facebook.

It's good!!!

Oh!!!! It's reeeeeeeeal good!!!

Consider this video a lesson in

 parenting a teen 101.

I've always agreed in the parenting with a 'boot up their ass' mentality.

Sometimes 'the boot' is a synonym that means harsh consequences to broken rules,

and sometimes 'the boot up their ass' is in it's literal sense.

Hence why I once broke my big toe!!!!

True story!

Where's da fuzz??/

See that shiny upper lip???

That is the shine of after shave lotion.

Randy took the boys into our bathroom directing them to stand to his sides.

He handed each one a glob of shaving cream and a razor and gave a tutorial of proper 'nick-free' hair removal.

In seconds, my lil' boys' peach fuzz was gone.

I cried.

Yes people!!!

My over-attachment disorder even extends to my kids' facial hair!!!

I think I do well with my boys 'coming of age' moments.

I truly want to encourage their wings to grow 

so that they aren't nose diving when leaving my nest.

But in reality......I ache inside.  

Them chirping for my guidance, 

and under my wings for protection is limited by time.

All this drama-momma emotion over a shaved lip!!!

Can you even imagine my freakouts when they start driving???

Have a job???

Suck face with a girl!!?!?!?!?

Go off to college?????

I must go drink wine now.

I hear it's the #1 'drink of denial' for the mother hen.

cluck cluck

The mother-child relationship is paradoxical and, in a sense, tragic. It requires the most intense love on the mother's side, yet this very love must help the child grow away from the mother, and to become fully independent. 

~ Erich Fromm

Coffee hour with the church ladies, the thighmaster, and lilo's daddy

I had to get my torture chamber.....aka the 

"domo ori goto mr. roboto" 

cast re-formed today. 

It was giving me some MAJOR discomfort!!

I was ready to donate it to the S&M store to see if they needed a new bondage device. 

The doc's fixed me right up with the re-fit.

Thank goodness!!! 

 I really wasn't prepared to  have to see anyone in whips, chains, and my donated nude colored fore-arm cast as part of their foreplay!

The time between the cast appointment and when I needed to retrieve Jax from the community center, was about an hour.

It's just enough time to do NOTHING productive....

 especially when you add driving minutes into the mix.

The time restraint gave me permission to do something that

I should do more often!!

~Gather a gripload of free trashmags, 

~drink a cup of overpriced coffee, 

~and sit amongst a variety of characters in the 

Barnes and Noble Starbucks lounge.

Oh how I love this type of mid-day treat!!!

I started my experience by approaching the Starbucks counter.

As I walked with my 'bent arm lefty', I could tell that someone was on my trail and 

trying hard to invade my personal space.

I gave him stern eye contact in hopes of burning him through his retina with my 

'WTF DUDE?!?' lasers!!!

[I know this is the right thing to do to perps that have ill intentions!!! 

 hello!!! 

I've seen my fair share of Oprah!]

The guy is nervous!

I'm talkin, cross-eyed,

 in a stuper, 

balls a clangin' nervous!!!!

As he chokes on his own spit because of stressed cottonmouth, 

he rubs shoulders with me. 

 In a tourette, lack of control way, 

he leans toward the Starbucks girl and says, 

"HI!".

The Starbucks girl gave a hesitant look and quietly said hi back.

I had hopes that his aggressiveness and lack of boundaries meant that he and the Starbucks girl were good friends.

Dammit!!!  

She didn't know him....

This means that the dude is still weird 

and still in my personal space for upcoming reasons.

What happened next was not a shock.

I didn't have to be clairvoyant to see that the freak next to me was going to make his move.

He shakily turns to me, 

[which was hard for him to turn since there was virtually no space between us and my 'stiff arm lefty' was not going to budge for movable space]

I swear he had tears from fears while he asked me  this question in 

a blurted out diarrhea sort of way:

"ARE YOU HERE TO MEET SOMEONE?"

I looked at him with:

1~ relief that his crazy demeanor didn't mean that he intended to hold me hostage and possibly shank me in the 'anger management' isle.

2~  empathy that the fool was not in touch with how to talk to women!

3~ WTF ?!?!?!?!?!? Am I on a hidden camera comedy show?

I blurted out a strong "NO!!!"

He replied, 

"Well, I am here to meet someone 

and you fit her description"

I quickly whispered, 

"nope, not me...I'm just here to...."

then I took my grande misto and walked to find a table far far away from Casanova before even finishing the sentence.

I watched as he took his coffee to the "cream and sugar" station and proceeded to pour himself cup after cup fulls of  complimentary water in a thin plastic tumbler.  

The dude was seriously SO nervous that his throat was closing off.

I couldn't help but feel creeped out and sorry for him in a combined-twisted emotion.  My feelings of creepiness probably came more from the fact that he looked like Lindsay Lohan's dad, than the fact that he was acting so strange.

[spittin image I tell ya!!!!

even down to this tie and coat and receding hairline!!!]

I held my breath as I watched an older processed-blonde walk toward the coffee area.

I just knew it was her!!!!

It was the lady my creeper was there to meet!!!

My nosiness took over and threw my body into extreme hormonal imbalance!!!

Hot flash!!  Hot flash!!!

Thank God I had a stack full of magazines to fan the beads of sweat from my skin!

I was so excited to see how this blind date was going to play out.

I felt very privy to something that the rest of the world Starbucks

had no idea was even happening.

THEN I REMEMBERED THE WORDS THAT LI-LO-DAD-CREEPER SAID TO ME!!!!

"You fit her description"

OMG!!!!!

So what he was saying, is that I fit the description of:

Suzanne Somers!!!!!

Oh hell!!!!

As if turning 41 wasn't bad enough!!!!!

Let's just keep pushing Jolie's ego to the depths of old wrinkle face  lady despair!!!

You've got to be effin kidding me!!!!

I had to take my eyes off of the famous look-a-like hook-up couple before I started to vomit in my mouth.

I was waaaay over focusing on the thought that 

I LOOK LIKE HER!!!!! 

Just typing this gives me heart palps!!

Please give me a minute....

((((breathing in through nose...out through mouth))))

.....finding my chi.....

Ok!  I think I can continue on.....

I am then drawn to the 'Christian Knitting Group' that had their own "3 is Company" gathering.

I eavesdropped on their convo that consisted of spreading gossip of 'ungodly' people in their church.

[OH!!! you don't EVEN want to know my thoughts on THIS one!!!

There would be a lot of cursing and the word 'hypocrite' used evasively from my mouth!]

I wasn't sure of which table that I had been observing, 

was the most pathetic!

Only 20 excruciating minutes later......

  Lohan-dad and the 'ThighMaster' queen, awkwardly parted ways.

You could tell that she 'just wasn't in to him'.

Maybe that started with him making her 

buy her own damn coffee!!!

I was happy to see her walk away from the LAAAAHOOOOOOZER!!

Needless to say, I really didn't read much of  my trash mags......

I had all kinds of soap opera happenings in real time 

right in front of me.

***I had a feeling of  sadness for the unmatched couple as they walked out of the coffee lounge.

Maybe it's a case of looking for love in all the wrong places......

or maybe it's just a case of old age, set in your ways, and bad timing.

I had to remember some wise words given to me by someone in my family.....

"There is a lid for every garbage can"

recollecting the saying rev'd my hope for these individuals looking for their 'later-in-life' soul mates.

Screw the Superbowl!!! I am team Superballs

This is honestly the only thing that sticks with me from the Superbowl.

David Beckham and his H&M tightie-whitie collection made me say "Superbowl who???"

I am a now a cheerleader for team David who plays on the

The Superballs :)

This is the kind sport I wouldn't mind watching every Sunday.

Chasing waterfalls

Auntie E told me about these beautiful waterfall braids.

It's so feminine and boho fairy-like.

This would be pretty for a wedding if you put in pieces of baby's breath or daisies.

I attempted this braid on myself and decided that until my wrist is no longer in 'kung fu' position, I may want to put new hair styles on hold.

It looked like I gave a 4 year old free reign to my locks and told them to make it look twisted, lopsided, with as nappie-ass bedhead as possible.

I will figure it out at some point.

I love playing with hair and different styles....

Always have from as far back as I can remember.

Somewhere along the line, I've pissed off the hair Gods though.

I was given 2 boys that require a #1 clipper buzz cut!

If I'm real lucky, they let me put a dibble dabble of pomade in the finger length top!!!!

Where is the just in that?????

Maybe it was all those years of toxify-ing the universe with Aqua Net in the pink can?.?.?

Curse you 80's!!!!

You lied to me.

You told me, "the bigger the hair, the closer to God".

Now I realize that it was the 'Heavy Metal Gods' that they were talking about.

Songs I've been talking about

There are a couple songs that I've been infatuated with.....

my friends have no idea what I'm talking about.

So here ya go....enjoy!

Gotye

Somebody I used to know

The song starts slow....give it a minute..then BLAM!  

kick ass comes along!

There is something about the dude's grill that is ugly and mesmerizing all the same.

Awolnation

Sail [aka the ADD song]

totally lame-o video, but the song sticks in your memory without release!!!!  

Just close your eyes and listen.

As the days go by, you will be cursing me because you can't get the song out of your head!!!

You're welcome.

The Hangover

I turned 41 on Wednesday.

 I am considered an 'older' lady....

It's true.  I see it.

I  get called 'mam' and never 'miss' anymore.

Whatever!

I'm so over worrying about what number I'm on.

It really doesn't matter at this point.

But please don't mistake my words and think that I am giving up on myself!!!!

HELL NO!!!!

I'm just getting started with a new lease on life!!!!

There is  a lot of freedom letting go of the 'age' ties that bind a person.

My motto for 41:

~Accept what is.....

~Stay away from mirrors.....

and always have the intention of 

good times over good looks!

The day started with a birthday breakfast brought to my bed.

Hand cooked by my boys!!!!!

Riv did the eggs and toast, Jax made the 'smile' cakes.

After my delish breakfast from brotherly love,  I hurried out the door to get to my physical therapy appt by 9:15 to be fitted for what I call,

"the cast that never ends and is a torture chamber and is fug with a capitol F and makes me want to Mr. Roboto since it goes to my elbow and I have constant stiffy bent arm".

'WELCOME TO 41 BeeeeyotCH!!!!!'

I heard myself yell inside my head!

aint it great?!?!?!

reeeeeeeeal effin great!

[After spending $1600 on an MRI, we now know that I have a tear in my cartilage and ligament.  The ideal end result would be for the cast to keep me from having zero movement, which would let the injuries heal themselves.  The 'not-so' ideal result will be surgery.]

[don't worry...I was thinking the same thing!!!

"geez Jolie!!!  Why the long face!?"

apparently when you start your 40's your face turns into a horse head.

yikes!!!!]

Paula and Lola met me at The California Pizza Kitchen at 11:45 to split a yummy pear and Gorgonzola pizza.

We declined the dessert menu, but couldn't resist the free birthday sundae that was brought to the table.

Fudge, pecans, and toffee lined the serving dish with ice cream, whipped cream and a cherry to top.

YES, it was as good as it sounds!!!

Paula gave me a gift card to my fav tea store and the cutest/rockin shirt with a sequinned owl on the front for some fowl bling!!!

In the midst of my morning eat-a-thon(s), I received a text from Lisa saying,

"hey!!  let's go to Park City tonight!!!  A street band and a lot of athletes will be there for the World Cup skiing."

So I said, "OK! wahoo!"

We decided to have this event  be our annual girls night birthday celebration for Paula and I.

 (Paula's birthday is on the 6th)

Lisa arrived to my house at 7 pm to pick up me and Lyns.

She gave me a very generous gift certificate for a facial.

The shoe bag is something we have passed back and forth for each other's birthday for over 7 years!!!

It's taped, and tattered, has seen many bars, and could probably tell countless fun stories!

Lyns gave me a tea gift card and a  set of 3 oriental  tea tins.

They're gonna look spiffy on my counter!!!!

We made our way through the street crowds and a fart infested bar to grab a drink.   Because of the rank stank and lack of breathing room, we heel-toe'd outside.  It was snowing but wasn't cold. 
The large flakes and all of the happy street people
 combined with music, created a
"this is what makes Utah kick-ass!!" ambiance.

We were talking, talking, talking about everything under the sun.

It was for the most part mellow, relaxing and  a well needed girl time.

until.............

Somewhere along the way events led up to us experiencing a girls Utah version of 'The Hangover'.

Many of the deets are blurred for me as we go back and try to make sense as to 

why I had a coat and a camera of someone that I thought had left it in the bar.

Maybe this was why???

Too many drinks could have been a BIG contributing factor in my lack of sane judgement and the strange maternal instinct that kicked in.

We called  the "lost and found" coat

 the baby.

I took great care of that baby and even had people thinking I was carrying a real baby down Main Street.

After what seemed like hours, but was probably only 20 minutes, a camera dropped out of the baby.

We looked at the pics and realized that the baby belonged to a kid that was still in the bar, 

and NOT to the group of people who had left.

[which is why i had to adopt the baby!!!  

i thought it had been abandoned]

After we all had the DNA and knew who the baby's daddy was, we went back to the bar to give the dude his kid.

As Paula and I walked past the coat check, she asked the guy if the bar had a lost and found.

He said yes, but there hasn't been any lost and found action for that night.

I then proceeded to ask with a brow raised and untrust in my voice,

"exactly how does your lost and found process work?"

He looked at me like any sober person would......

like I was a total fool!!!!

He replied,  "It works like a lost and found."

I turned on my heel and said, "well I don't trust you!" and walked into the bar until I found baby daddy!

I had put all kinds of love and care into that baby and I wasn't about to hand it over to an oversized door man that wouldn't appreciate the worth of this baby!

Needless to say, 

baby had been taken, 

went on a fun adventure against my chest, 

was in many of our own personal pictures, 

was dropped a time or two

 and returned back to daddy 

without daddy even knowing his baby had been gone!!!!

The oblivious daddy was way cool about the kidnapping and thanked me for taking great care of his bastard child :)

This was one of the most unexpectedly FUN girls nights.

There were one liners bouncing off each other like a pinball machine!!!

I can NOT relay in words the amount of belly laughs and near 'pee pants' we were.

[maybe the pee pants was just me?]

The energy between the four of us was free, witty, and all about celebrating life!

There was a blip moment in the evening that I truly stopped and took in the amazing woman as friends that surround me.

I do not take for granted each one of their qualities, their morals, their beauty, their thoughts, their  joys, and their commitments that they stand strong to hold.

I always think, "birds of a feather flock together".

I am sooo proud to be a part of this gaggle.

***that energy alcohol stayed in my system for two full days!

OH NELLY!!!!

I was HUNGover!!

I don't say that to brag by any means!!

At my age, a person should really control themselves and keep to moderation.

I am recovered today and can look back with less fuzzy mind of 

'the night I found a baby in the bar'.