Mirror, mirror

Jax asked that I show all of you the beginning proof of his hard work.

He has become OBSESSED with his body and its muscular structure.

Jax's best day ever would be:

Weight machines in a room full of mirrored walls and a gaggle of girls blushing and giggling as they watch Jax flex and pose.

If only the mirror would speak back, I think it would say,

"Jax, YOU are the buffest of them all!  

But please tame your underarm jungle before it's 10 feet tall!"

Getting back to the 'entails'

The sun was out this afternoon and we enjoyed the view from the cardiac center located on the 5th floor in the IHC building.

Our wait was brief, and then we heard the ultrasound tech call Randy's name.

Randy was already in a moment of  anxiety wondering the outcome of his appointed stress test.

They requested him to remove his shirt so that they could shave his chest and apply the six 'heartbeat' stickers to his body.

Then they gooped up the ultrasound wand and for 15 minutes, scanned his chambers and rhythms.

He was then guided to the treadmill next to the bed, and walked for 10 minutes on the highest incline at 3.5 speed.

Throughout his walk, the screen and printed paper showed random irregularities.

Immediately, and I'm not kidding when I say immediately, he was bounced back to the bed for more scans to show how his heart reacted to the exercise and to the cool down.

I watched as his heart flubbed a few times, which was very concerning for the both of us.

I was especially concerned when I thought I had seen a little peener poking out and I yelled, 

"It's a BOY!!!!"

But then I remembered how children are made,

and that the heart is NOT a womb 

and that  Randy is  NOT a female!

Whew!  That was a scary close call for a minute!

After the technicians made their report, we joined the cardiologist in a room to go over the deets.

They said that his heart is 

VERY STRONG AND IN GOOD SHAPE!!!

They believe that the majority of his problems are stemming from sleep apnea, and that he shouldn't be scared to get back to life and all it entails!

[entails meaning: exercise, laughing, beer, and sex.]

We both were extremely relieved and talked about how our fear of him having a heart attack had taken over all of the "entails".

We decided to start his life of joy again by:

Walking to the truck

Laughing at our crazy life

Drinking a beer at the sports bar

and.......

well..............

I gotta go now.....my strong hearted husband is calling me :)

Lawdawg unleashed

Friday night Randy held two tickets in his hand for what I thought would be a swanky evening.  The event [for Randy's work]  was held at Little America in the Grand Ballroom.

It started with social hour from 6-7 pm, which included an open bar and delicious horderves.

We socialized, bumped elbows with some big wigs,

and posed for this silly picture.

I know....I know.

The double guns, Randy in a boa, and me going "WTF?"  with a peacock on my head has no rhyme or reason.

I'm even a bit confused by the photo shoot.

We were then led into the dining area to find our designated seats.

On the bottom of our ticket, it said Table #6.

We find table #6 with four chairs out of eight available.

Two chairs had been saved with a cowboy hat and a wool coat.

The other two chairs were taken by a couple that I had a bad feeling about from the start.

Actually, they were only taking one chair between them both.

The girl was sitting on the guys' lap, and they seriously needed to get a room!

Red flag number one!

This wasn't the typical actions of people that are coming to a company sponsored event.....well unless the company is a whore house or strip club!

The gal spoke to us with attitude and was overly cocky.

I rolled my eyes too many times to count in those first minutes of having to talk to her.

The announcement was made for everyone to get in line for the gourmet buffet 

[is gourmet buffet an oxymoron?  Not when the buffet is at Little America!]

We realized that the event had a "Western" theme, once I saw men in their boots, hats and cowgirls on their arms.

The mechanical bull was a good clue also.

As Randy and I walked through the food line, we discussed our "red flag" dining partners, still sitting on each other back at the table.

I told Randy that something wasn't right!  They seemed out of place and sketchy.  Especially after the gal "couldn't find her ticket" to know that there was assigned seating.

Randy speculated that she was a hired escort for the metro-goon looking dude.

[he was wearing a stocking cap, pink button up shirt, and a scarf!  INSIDE!]

We made it back to our table with a plate full of amazing goodness.

The strange couple continued to make asinine comments.   The more they spoke, the more I got fired up, and the more I chugged my beer.

At this point, I am starting to go into an investigative mind.

I theorize that the couple is there as PARTY CRASHERS!!!!

Their story didn't make sense, they looked out of their realm,  and kept making cocky comments that were over the top.

Another couple came to our table with their tickets showing they were supposed to be sitting in 'red flag' people's seats.  They were turned away and told to find a different seat by the 'red flaggers'!!!!! 

OHHHHH!!!!  

OHHHHHH!!!!!!

OHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Now I'm really getting torqued!

[Josh]

Randy's co-worker Josh, and his girlfriend sat next to us, and I gave them the 411 on my hunch.

They were in agreeance.

We all put up with their phony baloney bullshit of talk and action until I finally boiled over and spewed my notice of their PARTY CRASHING once we all over heard the whore's phone convo saying that they are 'just PARTY CRASHING this gig' and it's a super fun night!

OH HELLLLLLLLL NO

 SHE DIDN'T!

Her boyfriend was in line to get a position to ride the mechanical bull.

I walked up to him and said,

"hmmmm, so you're gonna ride the bull huh?"

He said with a proud smile, "yeah"

I said, "are you supposed to be here?"

He said, "What do you mean?"

I said even louder, "ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE HERE?  You are party crashing aren't you?!?!"

He looked at me with eyes the size of the moon and said, "oh...you need to talk to her about that" and pointed to fakity fake fake girlfriend.

I said, "no!  YOU need to go talk to her because YOU came with her!"

I realized that he was a weenie and had no balls since he froze like a multicolored popcicle wearing a beanie.

I see that he is a shit-wonder, and  I won't be getting anywhere with him, so I head over to the girl-scumbag.

Face to face I said, "hey, are you supposed to be here?"

She said, "who are you?"

I said, "you're party crashing aren't you?"

She said, "I don't need to answer to you!  Who are you?"

I said, "I am someone who was invited and have tickets to prove it.  Show me your tickets!"

She said, "I don't have to show you shit and you need to get out of my face bitch."

I said, "Yes, you do need to show me your tickets, and you need to know that I'm on to you and your boyfriend.  We all overheard you talking on the phone saying you are here to PARTY CRASH"

~Now mind you, this was probably $100 tickets per person, and even though the event was free to me, it isn't right for someone to be a con artist and dishonest and take the gifts that they were not invited to take.  Something comes over me, [I call it lawdawg], that makes me stand to fight for truth and show that I will not be played a fool.

I think I need therapy.

I can not sit back and not say anything....which isn't always fun for Randy who is worried that a big cat fight will ensue in the middle of his peers.~

She said, "OH! So you were listening to my conversation!  I was talking to a friend who wedding crashes, you misunderstood."

I said, "ok then, show me your ticket!"

She said, "I don't have it"

I said, "Is your boss here?"

She said, "NO! He's home with his family"

I said, "Is there anyone here that you work with that can vouch for you being here?"

She said, "I don't have to prove anything to you.  I work for Ken Garff  [which has nothing to do with any of the companies that sponsored this event!] and I was in a trade show meeting all day and all I want to do is relax and have a drink and eat!"

She flashed a Ken Garff badge at me with an "eat shit and die" look on her face.

I said, "That doesn't mean shit!  For all I know, you stole that too!  Show me your tickets and I will leave you alone"

She yelled, "I DON'T HAVE THEM BITCH!!"

I turned to her boyfriend and said, "you better take her home now!"

I would have totally been chill if her response was different when I asked if she was party crashing.  I would have said, "well, have a good time, I just want you to know that I know", and I would have dropped the whole thing.  But her "I'm smarter than you all" attitude kept our feud going.

They never did leave, and her and I continued to give shitty looks, smart ass comments and finger gestures to each other.

I'm not proud of my continued confrontation with someone that I really should just pity.

But to sit back and have someone treat you like an idiot in their game of lies is hard for me to swallow.

I correlate it with watching a bully beat up an innocent person and doing nothing about it.

Then we all are criminals!

Once you know better, you must do better.

I don't think I will ever get away from the side of me that has to correct injustice, but I promise to temper it and put it in check..

I almost put Randy back into A-Fib from worry of how this confrontation could grow.

Even though I don't think a scene was made, and only the few people at our table even knew there was an issue, I don't like myself the next morning after lawdawg comes unleashed.

What do you think?

Is it appropriate to call someone out on the rug when they are cheating, lying, and being unjust?

Or is it more appropriate to turn a blind eye and not let it become your problem?

Seriously!!  Be truthful. 

What would you do?

karma

River jumped in the car after school and said, 

"Look maw!  I got an award".  

From the back seat, Darius and Maddie start laughing as they told me how they were sitting in class, and over the intercom was an announcement congratulating River for being Citizen of the Quarter along with his mug that popped up on every classroom TV! 

Riv hated his beginning of year picture and didn't give the photographer my check because he didn't want a packet of proof of how awful the pictures were.

He thought he had gotten away with the voided pictures.......

until yesterday!

The lesson is:

If you lie to your mom about losing the check to buy your school pictures, 

and then she doesn't have one to put on her wall in front of the last 10 years of school pictures, 

then karma is gonna bite you right in the ass in the form of mass ugly picture distribution!

He's wearing SPANX!!!

I caught this on the last night Jimmy Kimmel was on in the 11:30 pm slot.

I can not believe how many "name brands" he got to play in this skit!!!

It is hilarious and damn refreshing to see actors make fun of themselves/each other!

Of course, they all deserve to be in this "Handsome Men's Club"....

well, with the exception of  Sting.  

But oh baby!!!  Lenny Kravits ROCKS!!!

Make sure to watch all the way through.
Many handsome men come along!

Redneck mall on the fun bus

We bought a freakin Suburban!

UGH!!

I can't believe I am even admitting this to you!

A Suburban is only one last pride away from a mini-van!

It's actually a nice rig, and the biggest benny is that we can call it "Bourbon"!

We bought this humongous silver lug since we needed to 

haul River's friends around

sell our big red truck 

 to help facilitate financing for Jax's treatment.

It sucked a big donkey to have to sell our favorite truck of all time!!!  

We aren't bitter or anything!

And are happy to have found this "Bourbon" in great condition for an inexpensive price.

Riv and his hood-rats call it the fun bus/short bus.

We took a Sunday drive with three of them to Cabela's..

Only one of them had ever been there before [River].

The other two walked in with awe on their faces.

Darius was a little out of his comfort zone and said,

"WOW!!!  So it's true!!! There really IS a mall for rednecks!"

Looks like we all have a lil redneck in us!

Doesn't matter if you are city kids or country folk.....

everyone likes to put a cap in a fake squirrel's ass!

Missing Persons

MISSING!!!!

My little boy has gone missing.

I only see small remnants of him left behind.

An impersonator in a teen body and hip* clothes claims he is my son......

but I have a hard time believing his deep voice as truth.

NO REWARD OFFERED

 due to the fact that all my money was spent on said impersonator in food, paint ball, clothes, and did I say food?

In fact, I will be doing the opposite of a reward, and am setting up a donation fund to feed the alien-teen-impersonator body that has taken over my little boy.

Cash or checks only please in the incriments of hundreds.

Checks can be made out to:  Broke as a joke-Mutha

And in the Memo please write:  Lost her marbles

Thank you for your generous donation,

and have a great day :)

*OMG!! I am out of touch and old!!!  
Who uses the work "hip" anymore?????

Better treatment for the Amish

While having a visit with Jax, he told us how his past few days have been in treatment.

He started by telling us about all of the activities they do, and how he HATES sharing a bathroom with another boy, and then he said,

"I think they treat me different here because I'm part African American.  I would have better respect if I was full Amish like you guys. Everyone here is Amish."

Amish? Caucasian?

Same difference.

No silver lining

I am able to write this because I am having a moment of calm.

Calm has been scarce in my life lately.

It has been replaced by fear, hopelessness, anxiety, anger, and complete sadness.

Tomorrow we will take Jax to the state mental hospital for admission.

The stay is extended and we don't know if he will ever be back to our home.

Our child is ill.

We can do nothing as parents to fix it.

All we can do, is continue giving our son love and support through his life's path.

Where ever that path leads him, I hope it holds freedom from the pain and torture his own mind inflicts on itself.

I ask you to please keep my Jax in your thoughts, prayers and healing energies.

Thank you.

Healthy New Years inspiration

Amie sent me this video of 'Cardio Bunny'.

I've watched it about 14 27 times since, and laughed harder with each viewing.
[watch it!! it's only like 40 seconds long....but it's life changing....in some way....i don't know how...but it is dammit!]

A lot of us have New Years Resolutions vowed to work on our bodies and health.

Cardio Bunny is an inspiration to all of us living in this Barbie world! 

Amie said she is inspired to do the "get low and bring your arm around to rock your guitar" move.

I like to be inspired by things a little more simple [due to my lack of abilities] and am working on the JUMP!JUMP!JUMP! while turning up the speed of the treadmill.
Don't get me wrong!  The clapping gets me pumped up too!
OH YEAH!!!!!

p.s. look at the peeps to the sides of her!
Are they in trauma due to Cardio Bunny's movements and are pretending 'la-la-la nothing is happening'?
I think they just don't want to look associated with her.

Excuse the French, but......

I have to just say "Fucket" every now and then to get past the things that DO NOT matter.

LIKE HOUSEWORK!!!!

I recently heard a great quote:

"If you want to visit me, stop by ANYTIME.....

If you want to visit my clean house....

MAKE AN APPOINTMENT!"

~Amie's Gma

Off the rails of a crazy train

Before I could second guess myself, for the 463rd time, I hit "submit order" on the e-ticket form for the Amtrak train headed East bound to Grand Junction, Colorado.

The four days of abundance in love, laughter, and support made up for the lack of  decent hours of sleep nightly.

Sometimes the rails on the train need to break to give you permission to not come home and deal with the realities of life.

Thank you my Colorado family for taking me out of my world for enough time to remember 'life is good'.

And thank you Amtrak for making my stay last two days longer then planned.  You must have known that my de-railed spirit needed more time to be put back on track.

By the way.......

Auntie E texted me with her new i-phone.

The following pictures were attached with the captioned text underneath:

Elise:  "My new front room furniture!"

Elise:  "I love it!!!"

Elise:  "Do you love it?"

I looked at the pictures and proceeded to have this EXACT texting conversation that lasted around 30 minutes when all  was said and done. [with time lapsed in between replies]

Jolie:  "Wow Elise!!!  That is gorgeous!!!  Totally changed the look of that room!  Awesome round coffee table!  I can see why you love it!

Elise:  "Thank you.  The table turns like a lazy susan"

Jolie:  "That's awesome!!  I love the carousel look."

Elise:  "Found it at a little out of the way furniture store.  I am in that room $340.00"

Jolie:  "Design on a dime!!!  You rock!"

Elise:  "By the way.....who U be?"

~~~~~~~~~~~

OMG!!! WTF!!!!  LMAO!!!! 

Just in case you are reading this right now Auntie E, 

I want you to know that you are reading my blog.....

and by my, 

I mean ME.....

Jolie.

Just didn't want to cause any further confusion as to who's words you are reading :)

Auntie E

Happy Birthday Aunt Elise.

I love you to Louisiana and back.....1,000 times over.

xoxo

A new year of unpredictable

I still see my baby boy under the mature bone structure and shaved beard.

Watching him age isn't always a joy for me.

Especially when it comes to hormones and a bit of rebellion.

They both are connected to a girl, whom I am NOT fond of.

Riv knows exactly how I feel, and I think he enjoys seeing me shake and sputter over the issue.

I bite my tongue the best I can to not spew my negative opinion, 

while still trying to let him know I will pull reign very tight if I have to for his best interest.

On the other side of it, the intellectual conversations we are able to have are amazing!

Of course, they are mostly one sided intellect, since Riv is much smarter than Randy or I [combined] will EVER be!

He is responsible, respectable, patient, empathetic, gentle, happy, and as I am finding out, a standard unpredictable teenager.

Jax's sense of humor is always goofy and has me bent over in stitches!

His tenderness, and compassion are genuine and so deep it can be painful for Jax.

We have had many recent moments with my 12 year old boy, curling up in my lap for me to rock him back to sanity.

His state of mind and emotions are on a continual roller coaster that leaves us all woozy and scared.

Jax's future is the most unpredictable subject in our lives right now.

Unpredictable has become my cling on.

And for once, I am giving up my control [lack of] and taking it

day by day, laugh by laugh, tear by tear......

and trying to keep cheerful during this mind-fuck of ring around the rosy.

Beauty is in they eye of the blind artist

Ahhhhh....

It just warms my heart that Jax sees my beauty 

and transports it almost identically from vision to crayon to paper.

:)

[Apparently i wear a bun way too often!  

Every picture he has drawn of me is a bun-head.

I was a little surprised to know that I have black teeth and blue eye lids!]