Be vewwwy, vewwwy quiet...I'm huntin wabbits

After two weeks of Hunters Education classes taken at the local CAL Ranch store, River officially has a license to kill.

It's strictly a small game license, which for me, will be a good  introduction  to the world of dead things in my house that need to be gutted, de-feathered, and cooked.

a sarcastic and unenthusiastic
 YAY!!!!!

[Riv is a gun enthusiast.  He has great respect for their power and beauty. He is responsible and does a good job keeping everything cleaned, oiled and locked back up.  

My lil Elmer Fudd is such a good boy!]

I did not wish to attend this pajama party

Wearing pajamas, slippers, and a friggin' BATHROBE to shop for videos at Blockbuster, is flat out LAZY and it makes me irritated-crazy that someone wouldn't have enough pride in themselves to throw on appropriate daytime clothing.

I don't get it.

[I've seen disheveled/sloppy shoppers before, but this was the first time I've actually seen someone take it to the inappropriate level of wearing their bathrobe outside of their home!]

Oink, oink

I was having severe leg cramps while on the Synthroid medication.

I couldn't rest due to the fact that I was continually sitting straight up in the "sleeping hours", having to rock back and forth in pain until the continual charlie horses up and down my legs would subside.

Charlie and his horses were kind enough to give me 3-5 minute intervals of relief before another spasm would have me in tears.

After much frustration and feeling like I had ran an uphill marathon every night, I told my doctor that we might need to re-evaluate the Synthroid.

She immediately made me stop taking it and I was off of any medication for four days to see if the cramps were from the medication or stemmed from just having chicken legs.

The cramps greatly decreased.

I am now on Armour, which is not a synthetic hormone, but a natural thyroid hormone from a PIG!

The leg cramps came back [with less intensity], but the way I feel balanced in every other way has kept me taking my daily oinker pill.

Yes, I do have bouts of snorting and yelling

soooooweeee spontaneously.

Do you think it is concerning that my nose is turning up and

my big toe is now a hoof?

After Googling [I'm a Google queen] a supplement that could help with the symptoms, I found that Magnesium is the best natural support that controls the muscle tension.

[helps with restless leg and fibromyalgia too....

at least that's what Mr. Google says]

AND the other great side effect is that my plumbing has never been so regular.

This might be a little lot more info then what you asked for, but for some, it might be exactly what your colon doctor ordered!!!

Sincerely,

Miss Piggy




OMG!!  Am I losing it???
People!  Be honest...
Have I done a post like this before regarding pig hormones and me turning into a sow??
Seriously!!
I have either lost some valuable memory, 
or this post is a major deja vu moment for me.
God!  I don't want to be 'that person' that repeats shit
over and over and over.
Unfortunately.....I think that I am already 'that person' but I'm not sure 
BECAUSE I CAN'T FREEKIN' REMEMBER!!!!!!
Very weird either way.
Sometimes I scare myself!

The Theologian

I like to read the sometimes deep questions, and sometimes just silly fun questions from "The Theologians Cafe" http://thetheologianscafe.xanga.com/

He has a lot of exciting posts that make a person have to really think of an answer.

There are a couple of recent one's I want to throw atcha:

1~  Think of how you look....are you more attractive then you were 5 years ago?

2~  If you could read one person's mind, what person would that be?

My answers would be:

1~  No.

But there was a time in my 30's that
 I KNEW I was in my prime, 
and that it was never this good before,
and it will never be this good again.

2~  No one.  

I don't want to be privy on anyone's ultimate personal thoughts.
Except maybe a baby's thoughts.
I've always wondered what is going through their little baby minds.
I would bet that they are more knowing than us 'experienced' earthlings.

It changes weekly

Last week we would have called this,

"A dick in a box"

This week we call it,

"A Jack Jax in the box"

We are able to frequently change our feelings toward one another around this joint.

It's a total love/hate household.

I think most people call that,

"The true American Family"

Hey!!! Is that me?

I had to do a double take when I saw the name of this herbal tea.

Was it a sign????? 

A sign from the tea Gods telling me something? 

A sign that I just had to buy some of this tea since it almost 

BORE THE SAME NAME AS MINE,

 and was wrapped in a yellow cover which is 

MY. FAVORITE. COLOR???

signs, signs, everywhere there were signs.

Hell yes I had to buy some!!!

$18.97 later and I am the proud owner of me....

in herbal form.

I think the sign I received after the purchase was......

suckah!!!

An exception to the rule

A week ago Monday at 12:30 in the afternoon,

I received a call from Randy that he was on his way home.....

and he had 'my kid' with him.

Although I didn't know the details behind this phone call,

I knew what the statements meant.

1~  Jax had gotten in trouble at school and Randy was called to intervene

2~  Randy was so effin pissed about the situation, that Jax was now 'my kid'

[we throw around the, 'he's your kid' if they are little shits....

and of course 'he totally comes from my side of the family' 

when great accomplishments and proud moments are involved.  

we like to give them valid reasons to see a psychiatrist when they grow up  to bitch about childhood traumas of how me and their father fucked them up.]

Randy walked through the door with a look of defeat and disappointment.

He was done with Jax and his attitude.....

If you asked Randy in that moment, he would have said that he was 

 done forever....

hence the reason Jax was exiled to the cold garage to live, sleep and polish tools as a learning lesson.

Later that evening, Randy finally let* Jax into the house to have a warm shower and bed.

*let=me telling Randy I will not have 'my kid' sleep in a cold garage.

Randy's anger and willingness to consider signing  Jax over to the state foster program,

 was brought on by

 Jax being expelled from school.

"WTF Jax?!?!?

Seriously!?!

You are that fucked up that you had to be expelled from school???"

Yeah, that was my question...

I'm not a total dumb-ass. 
I've lived with this kid for almost 12 years....
I already knew the fuckupedness in his young mind without needing to question it.

But having to ask that question to your child makes you re-evaluate your parenting abilities and try not to let the embarrassment and shame blanket your entire being.

I had another emotion of wanting to just punch him right square in the nose.

I used my self control on that one....

lucky for him.

This is the story of  Jax being expelled from the 5th grade:

Jax has a kid  in his class that is kerosene to Jax's torch.

[we will refer to that kid as K-sene for the rest of this story]

They don't work well together and have had issues of throwing negative words to each other in the past.

On this particular Monday, K-sene  would not get out of Jax's face.  He was asked by Jax to leave him alone and Jax moved to another work area.  K-sene grew more thrilled with the fact that he was getting to Jax, and then started repeating "Jax, Jax, Jax" until Jax finally went to the teacher to ask for help.  The teacher told K-sene to put his head down and leave Jax alone.  K-sene used that opportunity to taunt one last time before 

Jax took a sharpened pencil to K-sene's head and told him that he was going to kill him.

Threatening to kill someone is a big NO-NO!!

It's a NO-NO in life...

let-a-lone a state funded school with a no tolerance policy!

Jax was immediately taken to the principal's office and Randy was called to come pick him up.

We were informed that there would be a district "hearing" to determine the future of Jax's education.

One week and three days later, we attended the hearing.

It was recorded that four district leaders, 

Jax's principal, 

the school psychologist,

 Randy, myself, and Jax were present.

They started the meeting by explaining to Jax that this is his opportunity to tell his side of the story.

He told his story 'as matter of fact' in the way it happened.

He was very respectful, held back tears, and was commended on his delivery.

It was now Randy and I's time to spew 

Jax's history, our concerns, our wants, and our opinions.

I took the mic. and was brutally honest with the panel regarding my son's behaviors leading up to this day.

I told of his rage,

his defiance,

 his verbal and physical abuse toward me and River, 

and his lack of accountability.

I knew that this was my golden ring opportunity to assist our future. 

I wanted  my voice to be heard 

with complete raw emotion.

I was on my knees with beg.

I humbly asked for guidance and help from the district that is needed outside of  school hours since our personal insurance doesn't cover mental health.

ie: counseling, behavior classes, etc.

I also asked for forgiveness from his principal,

 and a chance for Jax to attend his school again.

The board was very kind and sympathetic to our requests, 

but was very stern when talking to Jax.

They said that they would give us a decision by the end of the day.

The director explained that the decision could be one of three things:

1~  he could be transferred to another school with transportation provided

2~ he could be home schooled with a teacher from the district that would come into our home for two hours a week

3~  he could be put in a restrictive environment for behaviorally challenged children which includes padded rooms.

I only had to wait on pins and axes for two hours before I got the phone call.

The director started his explanation of the decision by saying.

"after great consideration,

 the board has agreed to help your family in every way that they can."

The principal fought to have Jax come back to the school and will set a new schedule that is personally detailed for Jax.

He starts back on Friday.

The director said that they have never done this before.

They are making 

an exception

 to the rule 

for Jax.

"In all cases where a life has been threatened, 

the offender will by law, 

be transferred away from the victim."

This rule will not apply to Jax.

The principal let the board know, that K-sene is fine and has no post trauma from the incident.  

He also felt like Jax was provoked by K-sene,

 and with the correct teachings of how to deal with annoying people, 

that Jax would succeed and be a great student.

They continued to go along the outside of rule boundaries

by giving  Jax a psychological intake and unlimited counseling combined with anger management classes.

We ended the conversation with me thanking him with all the appreciation I could relay,

 and the director expressing complete support for our family.

He told me that I could call him any time I felt that we needed further assistance, and he would do his best to get it for us.

The gift of help offered along with my gratitude, overwhelmed me with tears.

The story of Jax repeats itself through the years.

Some details getting more severe,

 and others getting more manageable.

One thing that has been a constant,

 is my anxiety and concern for the future.....

And then an 'exception to the rule' comes along to save our asses.

In turn, we see that we are not alone, 

there are very good compassionate people to listen, 

and that help is out there......

if you are only brave, honest, and humble enough to ask for it.

Rockin' on the red!

This is my  fav dress of the Golden Globes 2012.

I think it worked perfectly with Emma Stone's hair and make-up.

This couture tells me that she is a cool, rockin chick that can make something edgy look red carpet svelte.

The leather belt with the big metal eagle is brave, ballsy and the best fashion bling choice that I have seen in Hollywood for a long time!

In my opinion:  Perfection!

Oh, but I do have my choices for the worst dressed too....

but I'm feeling nice today so I won't totally dog on all the red carpet fug's.

[Michelle Williams, Jessica Biel and Sarah Michelle Gellar]

A ten head

What is it with the new 

"bleaching your brows" 

fashion trend??

I was intrigued by the eyebrow statement when I saw 

The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo.

[a very intense, suspenseful movie that sticks to your ribs]

The blonde brow contrast against her black hair adds a craziness, yet kickass look that accentuates her personality.

I totally thought it worked for this character,

but was shocked to see that it was in an issue of Vogue!!!!

I personally like color on my brows and will continue to shade them in.

Looking like I have an albino 10 head without expression,

 is not something I would enjoy.

This newest trend is a NO for me!

Sunday FUNday

Randy and I were given an invite to the "Equality Utah" Jazz brunch from our massage therapist.

The invite included:

*11:00~ cocktails, social hour, and silent auction

*12:00~  brunch that menu'd frittatas, country potatoes, mixtures of pastries, fresh fruit, meats, handmade blueberry pancakes, 

coffee and more cocktails 

(bloody mary's, and mimosas)

t'was a delish spread!!!

*12:30~  a local jazz band with an amazing singer for entertainment....

The cocktail hour continued to turn into hours.

I was elated to see Angela, my running coach from months passed, walk through the door with her hubs.  We didn't expect to see each other this morning, so the surprise was exciting and wonderful to catch up with each other's lives while sitting at the same table.

Angela's spirit and personality makes a person encouraged to be good to one's self.

She is a real light in this world.

We also met a lot of wonderful people that had us laughing and talking business at our table.

Of course the mimosas were flowing freely, and we were all getting silly and comfortable as new friends.

 Randy and I were aggressively bidding and continually checking to see if we were in the running for our dream auction purchase!!!!

Everyone was getting a good kick out of our excitement and down right competitiveness for the package we worked hard to receive.

Angela noticed my name on the winners board from across the room.

She grabbed my attention, and with a huge congratulatory smile, pointed to the direction of my name.

WINNER WINNER GAY PRIDE DINNER!!!! 

Actually, it was this liquid dinner that we were excited to have purchased.

This certificate is good for a tour of the Uinta Brewing Company to learn the in's and out's of the brewing process.

AND then, after the brewski skooling, we can invite 15 of our besties to join us in a beer tasting venture.

So I suggest that our 'friends' should start buttering up to us ASAP, so that we can put your name on our besties list :)

Awe...who am I kidding??

ALL of our friends ARE INVITED!!!

All 3 of you :)

YAY!

The whipped cream/sprinkles/cherries on top of our spectacular prize, were these beautiful

'Redneck Wine Goblets"

Aren't they just precious?

After doing a lil jig with my arms above my head, swirling in a 'water going down the toilet' motion, my friend Lisa, (THE best massage gal in the universe) came over to give me a thumbs up for my efforts!

[hmmmm....check out my bendy-funkadunky thumbdinger!!!

ew...kinda creeps me out.

i would probably suck trying to make a life out of hitchhiking.]

Randy couldn't be more proud of his redneck award!

You can take the flannel shirt, Wranglers, and trucker hat off the boy.....

but a Kerr jar wine glass brings him back to who he really is :)

btw:  did you know that SLC was voted

"the gayest city in America"?

true story!

I'm already saving for next years gala. 

 Supporting the rights of every human being,

 to live their life in the way they were born to live,

 is not just something that effects a sector.

It stands for equal rights in us ALL!

Regardless of what the cause is about, I find it to be our duty to love, fight for, support, accept and find joy in all colors that cohabitate.

And that means, 

not just the red, white, and blue...

but the rainbow too!

Oh Baybeh!

My step-bro Justin and his girlfriend welcomed 

baby Gavin into this crazy world on Friday the 13th.

Gavin looks identical to Justin when he was a cute little squirt.

He is sweet smelling, 

has THE perfect button nose, 

is covered with furry blonde fuzz, 

and is content wrapped burrito style.

And this bundle of greatness is a lil piggy!!

Only one day old and he can slam an ounce at a time!!!

Grandma Danna is madly in love and endlessly proud.

There's nothing like a new little snuggle bug to bring a momma together with all of her kiddies :)

what a joyful day!

Slapping out the tempo

My secret talent wish is to be able to walk in heels taller then 2 inches without looking like Frankenstein took over my lower body.

Nothing is worse than seeing a gal 'trying' to walk normal in a pair of stilettos, 

yet has a large gapped, 

side to side strut,

 with a heel-toe slapping out the tempo

keeping perfect rhythm with the song on the radio-O-O.

[throwin' in a lil' eddie rabbit for you old timers]

My lack of talent while walking in Jimmy Choo's is totally ruining my style control.  

Do you have any idea of the rockin, kick-ass outfits I could put together with a pair of CFM boots???

I feel like I have a fashion disability, and that I should be given mercy from my insurance company OR the fashion police, 

with a certificate for free Botox in my foot balls!

AND while we are at it,

 I could use some in my forehead.....

and armpits.

Please.

[just putting that out there to the fashion Gods]

And to all of you that CAN walk in barbaric 6 inchers.....

you are not human,

and you will be given the Indian name, 

'bitch-who-walk-on-sticks'

 from here on out.

jealousy brings out the best worst in me.






{before I looked up the words to "driving my life away" from eddie rabbit, 
i thought the song said,
"flappin' at the 10-4,
keeping perfect rhythm with the song on the radio"
geez!...all these years singin' the wrong lyrics!}

Our newest YA-YA sister in the hood

Cousin Katie, along with her life love Kenneth,

 happily bring the newest sunshine to our lives.

Introducing :

Miss Scarlett Ella

accompanied by big sis Lexi Merlot.

Is solace anywhere more comforting than in the arms of a sister.

~Alice Walker

Welcome little one.

You are loved.

You did good Kate!

Very proud of you :)

misheard words sounds like love to me

While driving home from school, 

I stopped in front of our house,

 gazed toward the mountains and said to River,

"wow! look at that view"

With his head down and his eyes and attention glued to his Nook.....

he replied, "awe mom. i love you too"

being misheard isn't always a negative thing

:)

I wish my kid was blind

Yes people!

I wish my kid was blind.

I make this horrible statement because of my own ego and vanity stooping to an all time LOW!

Jax had me sit for a half an hour so that he could sketch the profile of my face.

Apparently when my kid looks at me, 

he sees Granny Clampett mixed with Granny Tweety.

And you wonder why I want him blinded??

Enough said.

First post of our last days

Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!

Seriously?!?!

It's the tenth of January and this is my first post of 2012???!?

Where has the time gone?

I'm wondering if time really matters, 

or if it's a sign to be reckless and cross off our bucket lists 

since  we only have a little over 11 months before the Mayan calendar runs out!!!!

This has been my biggest fear!

 How will I know when to celebrate presidents day, arbor day, national bologna day, felt hat day, or even slapass day!!!!

OH MY!

It's going to be quite a thorn in my scheduling access.

I really depend on that calendar for planning all of my important social events.

Damn lazy Mayans....

should have learned to finish what they started!

Priority mail

For the first time in 22 years, 

I did not send out Christmas cards.

Thank you to all who kindly sent me one anyway.

I LOVE receiving your cards and pictures and yearly letters.

I hope to get back on my 'Holiday Horse' next year and send out my greetings.

But until then......

This is what you will have to enjoy for Christmas 2011.

With love,

Randy, Jolie, Riv and Jax :)

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

I'm not going to lie.....

it's been a rough and tumble week for me.

I'm chalking it up to starting my new medication, and my body trying to accommodate the surge of hormones.

Mentally, I was Fucked -UP.

Physically, I was and still am puffy and achy.

I just stay away from acrobats and a mirror at this point.

I can see the sun shining again and this is good.

It's all because of 

NOT just one big thing, 

but a million wonderful little things like:

~getting a phone call from a cousin first thing in the morning just to say 'I love you' and talks you through an incoherent break down of tears and slobber.

(thank you Chelise)

~Good friends that are concerned and missed your presence at a 'girls day out' and sought healing teas to bring over to 

comfort a throat and calm a heart.

(thank you Lisa and Lyns)

~A sister from another mister, who hosted a luncheon of love.

Delicious food, beautiful table settings and more importantly,

deliciously, beautiful friendship.

(thank you Paula-girl)

Thank you my friends.

You rock my world and keep me in tune.

Here's yer sign

Is this FAH-REEE-KIN adorable or what?!?!?

Interchangeable holiday greetings that are artwork, tasteful, and fun!

Thanks Lyns :)

I'm buying fake ones

I just haven't felt good for weeks.

Let me share the list of gorey details with you:

~Headaches all day long

~Major body and joint aches

~Heavy periods and extreme cramping

 (never had this before! in fact, my monthly doesn't even last but a day and nothing much about it ever bothers me.)

~Sore throat that hurts to swallow and feels like my glands are swollen....raspy voice

~Muscle cramps

~Easily irritated

[my poor family]

~Dry, itchy skin

~Insomnia

~EXHAUSTION!!!!

~Unmotivated 

[everything feels so hard to do]

~Unfocused

~Ditzy, forgetful

~Emotional

 [I get verklempt very easily.  

Everything seems 'so special and endearing' and I 

cry and cry and cry!!

Jax asked why I was crying while watching a YouTube video of people flashmob singing!  

Even he knew this was not worthy of tears!]

~My internal temperature is either as 

brutally hot as the center of the earth,

OR I have the entire bodily chills that can not be cured by anything less than a boiling water shower.

AND the worst part of all of this....

is that I've gained 9 pounds in a little over 2 months!!!

I hardly eat enough to warrant  that  kind of  gain so quickly!!!

Unless you count Starbucks highly caffeinated house coffee with fat free milk as a food group, then I guess I over indulge every day!

[it's the only way i can stay awake to function]

I was feeling like I was the verge of a major virus continually, but it would never go to the next step....it would just stay in that annoying state that keeps a person paranoid that they are going to wake up with pneumonia/cancer/death and not be fully prepared! 

I started taking large amounts of Vitamin C as a precaution.

Nothing helped me to feel better and I was sick of feeling like SHIT!

I went to my doc and told her about my issues.

She did a whole blood work-up on me that required 6 large vials.

She tested my hormones for menopause, tested for arthritis, tested my thyroid, and tested my blood counts. 

Can you test for CRAZY through blood? 

 If so, she probably tested me for that too.

At the end of our visit I started crying [again] and told the doc that,

'I just know that nothing medically is wrong with me.

This is all about the fact that  I am 

 old 

and fat

 and lazy 

and have an ugly woman-beard

 and it will all continue to go to hell,

 but I need the results to tell me to pull up my panties 

and do something with myself! 

I'm having a hard time doing it on my own!!!'

Doc called me Thursday with the results.

My thyroid decided to slow it's ass down to almost a complete stop!

I started to cry [again] as she told me that my issues are not in my head, and that there is a true physical problem happening.

She said it's probably been slowly shutting down for a few months and some stress combined with age has abruptly kicked into stagnant mode.

I AM THE POSTER CHILD OF THYROID DISEASE.

Although it is quite common, there are still a lot of people undiagnosed, that go on feeling horrible thinking that age has caught up with them and they will have to live with feeling shitty forever.

I am fortunate to be getting help for it now and to get back to feeling like me again.

So from now on, I will be buying my fake hormones to take everyday for the REST OF MY LIFE!

It's like I always say:

A pill a day keeps the straight jacket away!!!

[i've actually never really said that before.....

but it sounds appropriate at this point]