{Shhhhh..IT Happens}

I guess this is a lady-like way of truly poo-ing roses.....

scent the toilet first!

"Spray the Bowl, 

Do the Doo.

Your secret is safe.  

They won't have a clue."

Economical! Up to 100 uses!

{Too much grease in the Axl}

In honor of Halloween....

I'm going to show you something veeeeeeery scaaaaaary!!!

Are you ready???

But before I can show you the horror, I have to ask this question,

When did this Axl Rose (above), get to this unrecognizable point?!?!?

(see below if you are brave enough)

This aint no trick.....

and apparently it aint no treat either!!!

WTFat Axl????

I think we can group Axl and Christina Gagulara together in the intervention/detox program!!!

I'm sure that they would be great roomies!  They could try to out-scream/sing each other and trade hair weave secrets.

{let's not say muffin anymore}

I guess you could say that this is a picture of a sweet, innocent dog laying content in the back seat of my car.....

BUT YOU WOULD BE WRONG!!!!

She is a sneaky thief that got her bad-ass self in a lot of trouble this morning.

Jax had an appointment today to have blood drawn.

(no worries, it's our ritual to keep tabs on his liver/kidneys due to med changes)

Once we left the doctor, we headed straight to Starbucks to feed Jax's ongoing hunger pains, and my ongoing caffeine addiction.

I ordered my norm house coffee and Jax ordered a low-fat triple berry coffee cake.

Before he could take a bite, I whipped into the  barber shop around the corner for a quick shaving of Jax's 'Hexdrix-fro' to be removed from the top of his head.

We carefully wrapped the coffee cake tight and placed it in the center console before locking the doors.

I trusted that Daisy would be obedient and continue laying in the back seat waiting for our return.  

 YES, I TRUSTED A DOG NOT TO ACT LIKE AN ANIMAL!!! 

(I know, you all are saying "you dumb-ass Jolie!")

 I trusted her because she is more human then animal, and she had been given strict rules to keep her nose out of other peoples belongings.

We came back to the car with this torn wrapper sitting in my front seat....minus one piece of low-fat triple berry coffee cake.  In the back was one very guilty looking human-dog, licking her crumb filled chops.

Jax and I were like 'WTF?!?!' , then I said, 

"that little brat!!! that cake was $3!!"

Jax was pissed.

He starts reprimanding Daisy by saying,

"You naughty girl!!  You ate the mufffin!  

Daisy, you bad muffin eater!!  

Daisy is a baaaaaad -girl- muffin eater!"

I just......

I don't know.....

I have a sick mind.

And so do a lot of you!!!  

Come on, admit it!

Jax meant muffin in the literal sense of a baked pastry, 

but I couldn't listen to him continue saying those phrases without laughing to myself, and then putting a stop to the "muffin eating" discipline.

How do you explain to a kid that something as innocent as saying "muffin eating" could be interpreted as something nasty, and advise to "just use the word cake from now on???"

{what hope do the rest of us have?}

"Lets all stop speculating about Ashton and Demi.  We have no idea what they are going through...... 

aside from puberty and menopause."

~Joan Rivers

ok...I have to admit,

I went through a stage of obsession regarding the saga of Ashton and Demi.

I'm pretty much over it now....

t'was a short lived celeb obsession.

But I do have one question:

If Demi Moore can't keep a guys attention....

then what hope do we as commoners have?

I mean....

IT'S DEMI MOORE for sexy's sake!

She is the poster child of age reversal and 

what we all aspire as 40-somethings to look like.

(I have a strange feeling she could be a bit whack-a-do tho?!?!)

It makes me just want to end the fight I have with age,

 and wave the white flag proudly while 

I wear a moo-moo 

and house slippers, 

without make-up, 

with wrinkles forming daily, 

and accenting with a grey bun-head.

How effin depressing!

 {gettin' down to bizness}

Jax has been working very hard to abide by the rules and be a good boy at school to earn a trip to 

" JA BizTown".

It is a mock town that has businesses, banks, stores, etc.

The children have a checking account and a job assigned to them.

Jax had told me at first he was the Mayor....apparently, it was a story or he's been drastically DEmoted!

His BizTown  jobbie will be the 'Electrician'.

He gets paid $8/hr, and his boss is a GIIIIIIIIIRL!

Which also means she gets more money per hour then Jax.  She earns a whoppin' $10/hr.  Jax took the job status well and has been soooooo excited for this day.

He chose his business attire and I think he looks very handsome.

Our only regret, is that we should have bought one size bigger in the slacks.

A men's 32/32 is a bit snug around the buttocks and gives him fabulous wedgies and nut crunchers.

Luckily he wore black socks to cover the ankles that shows about 1/2 inch below the pant line.

Poor kid....a big booty and long legs make dressing up like a missionary very hard.

We tried.

{Honor the soul}

With the new OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) channel on my TV guide, I've been able to catch a few of "Oprah's Lifeclass" hours.  She has a new one everyday. Some days it relates to my life, and other days, I think that I'm watching this because it will eventually relate to my life.

The Lifeclass has a topic that we can all learn from.

She takes clips and stories from her past shows to combine a real learning moment.

This particular link* 

http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Gary-Zukav-Helps-a-Grieving-Mother-Move-Forward-Video

is a clip about parents that lost one of their twins.  Very sad story, but their is a bigger picture to it.  Gary Zukav has a way of explaining that we are bigger than our bodies and personalities....our soul is bigger than all of what we see.  Moving forward from the pain of losing a loved one is to learn to honor their soul.

Watch it.  And really listen to his chosen words.

I hope you get as much comfort out of it as I did.

*Unfortunately, I couldn't find the link to the entire show.   Gary Zukav has a book called 'Seat of the soul', if you would like to read more about this.

(A lot of love and thoughts on this topic goes out to cousin Claar who just lost her father in law, Paula going through the anniversary of her nieces death, and Lisa who is waiting for the call that her cousin Liam has passed.)

{book club}

Yeppers.....

this is our book of the month that Randy and I have chose to read.

Of course, not because we didn't understand the birds and the bees, but because we didn't understand how to tell our son about the birds and the bees.

Apparently, my boy couldn't learn the facts of life from TV or bad influence friends like the rest of us!

Sheesh!

So, as THE parents.....we had to do something to clear up a large amount of pre-teen hormonal confusion.

(I was actually shocked at how confused and misinformed he was.  Makes me feel bad...I thought I was good about talking with my kids about these kind of issues....

I guess, not so much.)

I chickened out and made Randy do the dirty work.

He did a good job :)

And now all I want to do is throw up when I think about it.

I don't really like this part of parenting.

(btw:  This is a really good book.  I chose it because of it's way of explaining sex, as "making love" between two committed people, committed usually meaning married. 

I also like that it touched on the respect of one another.

It taught about the natural mental and physical emotion you feel and the wonderful softness and love a couple can share together that makes sex special and not dirty.)

uck....I'm nauseated again.

{brilliant}

I was able to see THE coolest car on the road with my own eyes yesterday.

It grabbed my attention in the rear view mirror as it came speeding up behind me with these rockin' headlights.

I gotta owe it to Audi....

they made a very sexy, beautiful car with this one!

I guess with a price tag of over $50,000, it should be sexy and should make you scream it's name while driving it!  It's definitely too nice to have that after-glow ciggie in it tho. 

But the best was yet to come!!!!

Not only was the front view of this car total eye candy,

but as it passed me I noticed it's license plate....

BOUBZ

To be able to come up with the spelling of a "vulgar" word that got past the state of Utah Motor Vehicle Dept., is well......

brilliant!!!

Makes me want to see if I can outsmart the UT DMV....

hmmmmm....

what do you think about 

HREBAWL, or 

EWERDUM?

I'm gonna have to work on this one.

{One womans trash, 

is another womans.....new dress}

Paula and I are trying to get a "clothing swap" party put together.

Check out her post for the deets.

http://paula-heartandsewl.blogspot.com/2011/10/lets-swap.html

{Holy shit this is good!}

Noodles & Co. have a Greek salad with yogurt dressing that I looooove.

I've been craving it and tried to improvise my own version with ingredients I had on hand.

I still had  a small portion of my pizza toppings that I wanted to use up.

All that really needs to be said, is that after my first bite, I whispered to myself, 

"holy shit!!  this is good!"

I sautéed garlic, sundried tomatoes, pine nuts, spinach, cracked pepper, and sea salt in olive oil.

I boiled up shell macaroni to al dente, and sliced fresh red onion, yellow tomato, and cucumber.

Added it all together in a bowl, and then coated it with this lovely yogurt dressing.

(my kids drink this stuff!!  it's that good!)

~All natural

~No preservatives or MSG

~No artificial colors, flavors or added sugar

~65% less fat and 55% fewer calories than regular buttermilk dressing

A sprinkle of ground cheyenne  pepper and garlic powder was the final ingredient before I mixed it all together.

Oh people!!!  This was the most super wonderful combination of ingredients that my mouth has enjoyed for a long time. 

(the sundried tomatoes could have been left out...they were just ok)

I think the key is the dressing.

We will call this experimental salad of mine:

"Jolie's Holy Shit-Good" salad.

{not even real}

Randy and I were talking to River about how hairy his face is, and that he will be that kid that comes to High School with a full on beard and mustache!

Jax leans over to get a good look at Riv's awesomeness of face fur, and said,

"You're gonna be like one of those........

ya know......those big scary hairy things......what are they called?"

River replies with "Sasquatch?"

Jax gives Riv a look that tells him 'you're such an idiot!'

Then Jax  remembered the word he had been trying to get out!!!!

He blurts, "Oh my God River!!!!  

I thought you were the smart one!  

No, I'm not talking about Sasquatch!  

I'm talking about Big Foot!  

Sasquatches aren't even real!"

And there you have it folks....

{neon lights with a touch of gray}

Anyone watch the X-Factor???

Anyone?

Did you happen to notice the boy band, 'The Anser' from Utah that made it through to the finals?? 

I met one of the members over the weekend while in Wendover.

I watched him walking around looking like a fish out of mercury filled waters.

He seemed a bit perplexed as to why people weren't noticing him.

I mean, come on!!!

He was wearing the same hat and coat that we saw him wearing on TV!!!

I think it was a way of saying,

HELLO!!!! 

DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

And the color just happens to match his name.... Gray.

I walked up to him and asked if anyone had recognized him, and if peeps are buggin' to talk to him.

His response was, "unfortunately no".

I told him I was totally bummed to see that they were sent home from the show, and I wished him well in his endeavors.

He said to be looking for him because some really good things are in the works.

I wandered off laughing to myself of what a dork I am to randomly talk to this dude.

Seriously tho, and I'm not just saying this, but I  felt bad for him for the "unfortunate lack of notice".  I think he was expecting more attention.  I really didn't care to talk to him, but I just wanted him to know that 

"YES GRAY, SOMEONE RECOGNIZES YOU".

poor kid :(

After the encounter, I texted Paula to tell her I talked to him.

We were all,

"LOL!!! OMG!!! WOW!!! LOL!!!"

Then I said texted her saying 

"I'm gonna go get a pic with him! 

This shit is good blogging material!"

She replied, "YOU GO GIRL!"

I walked back to the original meeting  place, told him that my friend didn't believe I actually met/talked to him, and that I needed a picture for proof.

OK, so I'm a big fat liar....

but it worked without me looking like a total middle aged loozer wanting a pic with a 20 something that nobody even recognizes!!!!

Gray was very sweet and cute about it.

His manager or dad or some very happy dude sitting next to him, offered to take our pic, and this is what we ended up with :)

And then....

we taught the dude how to use my camera.

introducing: Gray and the dork

{chirp cheap handyman}

Jax had no problem climbing the 28' ladder to change the 9V battery in our chirping smoke detector.

I guess I found another thing to add to the list of:

"What are kids good for?"

{hey asshole!!! 

you're an asshole!}

Wanna know where the rudest drivers in the world are located at 7:30 am??!??!

If you said the local middle school, you would be a winner-winner chicken dinner, correct!!!

I swear- to- GOD 

I'm going to go Britney Spears crazy on someone's ass one of these days!!!!

(the Britney that shaved her head and beat a car with an umbrella crazy....but I won't shave my head....I'm too vain for that!)

Most of the parents that drop off their kids, think that their time is even more valuable and important than the rest of us in a motor vehicle.

gag me with your excuses people!

it's just flat out RUDE and endangers our children!

OUR CHILDREN ARE WHAT IS VALUABLE AND IMPORTANT!

It's pandemonium in the "drop off yer kid" line.

There are people who will honk, cut you off, and even put themselves in a fender-bender situation, just to get one car ahead of you! 

There is NO concern for the children trying to get to the school doors alive.

The only concern, is getting their kids out of the car mom-mobile mini van, and gunning the gas to get in front of you at the STOP LIGHT! 

Hurry lady! 

You must hurry to STOP!!!

ARGHHHHHHHH!!!

It seriously takes all that I have NOT to stoop to their level.

I think I might have to picket.

yes!!!

I will picket the front of the school for a reform in the system!

I'm sure this will make River very proud :) 

and then he will ask to be transferred to further his education somewhere out of this country....

probably somewhere like Zimbabwe, where he will never have a chance of someone he knows, seeing him again!

If you think about it, this plan could work! There are no vehicles to fight against, and the language is simple...

you just talk in tongue click.

How do you say "move your cow and cart, I'm dropping off my kid at school" in click?

klkkklllhllkkklcowkkl?