The omen

This lil birdie [we will name him Peetie in honor of dumb and dumber] flew right into the solid glass of our big window.

He fell to the sidewalk dazed and confused.   After about 15 minutes we gave Peetie a nudge out of delirium, and he hopped to a couple rocks then flew away.

Some people think that a bird flying into a pane of glass is a sign that someone you know will die.

I personally think Peetie was trying to tell me that I was bamboozled by recently paying a window washer  to do all of my outside winders............ 

especially since he shit himself all over the windows as he dummy crashed into it!
He's just lucky he was able to fly away.....I was headed in for my duck tape.
"Pretty bird.....pretty bird"

The summer dandelion

It actually happened!!!

Momma had a baby and it's head popped off!

men who love bearded women

I just couldn't get enough of my favorite gingy and made the drive to party with her two weekends in a row.

Amie is about a foot taller than me which allows my face to be the perfect height to rest  my chin on her bazooomba ta-ta's.

We started the eve with mexi-dinner and the famous big-assholio margarita. 

[we shared the jumbo because I couldn't remember anything the last time I drank my own jumbo of these little tequila demons!]

Then worked our way to the quaint main street in Grand Junction.

[The gal in the glasses is Sonya.  She's the sweetie that picked up Riv and shuttled him back to Amie's for the week before I came to take him home.]

We landed for a couple drinks at a place called 'Naggie McGee's'.

We were anxiously waiting, for what I thought would be a great cover band.

[Boy was I wrong on that band assumption!  

Apparently, my band-radar is needs to be re-calibrated]

It took our waiter a bit to get over to us for our order.

As he finally approached, he said,

"Sorry for the wait.....I didn't forget about you two!"

Amie responded back with,

"Well how could you forget about us????  

We are the best lookin' girls in this crowd!"

Waiter asswipe looks around and says,

"eh...yah pretty much"

PRETTY MUCH?

DID HE JUST SAY PRETTY MUCH?!?!?

IS HE BLIND WITH A HEAD INJURY?

Cuz when I looked around, I only saw bearded ladies with walkers or 21 year olds with their head shaved and a post through their nose holes!!

Frickn-A!!!!  Damn rights we were the best lookin thangs in there!  

Even if that's not sayin much!

Amie made sure to let him know that we were GREATLY offended and he was an effer.

He felt bad and apologized.

I think he was embarrassed to let us know that he's into women with facial hair and Quasimodo backs. That is why our 'beauty' ranking was so low in his opinion.....

You see, Amie and I had both just waxed our staches and wore a very supportive bra for good posture :)

heyoooooooooo!!!!!

Come undone

Well, the expensive hair corn row extravaganza lasted exactly 7 days.

After a week of vacationing in the swimming pool with goggles getting pulled on and off every day, the braids started to flip out in small pieces.  The fake hair that they added to thicken the braids got very itchy on Jax's head and he was DONE with them as of Thursday evening.

Because we had $60 worth of fake hair sitting in front of us, we decided to get our money's worth and have fun.

Please be advised that the picture of me is flat out scaryFUG, 

and the bottom picture of Jax is totally sick and wrong.

But when have we ever been  politically correct and right in the head????

I'm sure you've come to expect the AB-norm around here!

Who dat kid?

At 4:30 today Jax sat in the salon chair looking like this.

1 1/2 hours later and............

A BAM!!!!!!

Jax LOVES the new look.

I personally think it makes him look 17, and a bit gangsta-ish.....which are two things that are not necessarily positive.

But I still can't quit looking at him in amazement of how transforming 12 little ol' braids could be!

As he went to bed tonight with the stocking on his head [to protect his hair], he was uncomfortable and complained of his head hurting.  I don't know.....maybe this is just a phase and he will want to go back to those nice curls that make him look so dang cute, or maybe he will get used to the tension on his scalp and keep up the rows.

I think a lot will depend on what kind of response he gets from other people.

But for tonight....

I look at him sleeping with a head that is unrecognizable to me.

I say, "Who dat kid?"

XXL brain freeze

My hell!!!!

Have you ever seen a kid so damn excited over slurpee???

And yes......he finished every last drop!

And no.....he didn't sleep for three days due to the sugar induced high.

Good times!

What's the cost?

Both of my boys had been spouting off  about all the things they want to have bought for them buy.

I finally came to my senses and told them:

"Make a list of the top three things that you want.  Write the cost of each one next to it.  I will pay for half, and you will be responsible for the other half.  At the bottom of the paper, write how you will devise a plan to earn your share of the money."

This was River's list:

Crossfit Traing Classes : $60/month

New Phone:  $100

Freedom:  PRICELESS

**Curfews and freedoms have been the biggest topic lately between River and me.  It's a tug-of-war. I only know to make the rules by using my gut instinct.  But then my gut instinct tells me that my gut instinct is constantly nauseous and confused.  Letting Riv prove trust and learn his own way, has a fine line next to it.  The other side of that line is that road that leads to never getting them back under your reign again.

 I will take these teen years of him feeling smothered and pissed at his parents; rather than hate us as an adult for not protecting his adolescence.

Jiffy Pop

Jax's hair is to the stage it looks like a foil bag of Jiffy Pop!!!

Of course it would be sooooo wrong if we didn't get a good shot of the classic FRO-PICK.

We are on the countdown to corn-rows.

He has an appointment scheduled for this Thursday evening.

I'm so excited to see the final results!!!

He's excited about the whole process!

The hair stylist informed him that he would need to wear a doo rag to bed so his hair doesn't break off in the braid and cause little stray hairs all over his head.

hahahaha!

I just laugh thinking about all of this!

He's gonna be so cute!

I will post pictures with the braids and doo rag as soon as I get them!

911-what is your emergency?

God I hope that what they say about "everything comes in 3's" isn't true.

Within this last month, I have called 911 emergency from my cell phone twice.

The first call was made when my gals and I were driving home from a concert.

We were laughing and having fun telling stories, when and we came upon a man who had wrecked his motorcycle.  He was not wearing a helmet and was laying sprawled and life-less on the freeway on ramp.

He was thrown back from the cycle about 15 feet with such an impact that it knocked his shoes right off of him.

We were first on the scene and the first to contact emergency.  Fortunately, a doctor pulled up right after us and was able to start medical attention until the ambulance arrived.  We have all been haunted by the tragedy especially not knowing the man's outcome.

My second 911 call was when a white Buick turned left in front of me and drove down the wrong lane, then swerved drastically to the correct lane, then decided to just drive down the center turn lane until she came upon the next main intersection.  My honks and flashing lights did nothing to help the driver realize she was driving the wrong way in a round-a-bout.  I followed her as she weaved back and forth nearly missing parked cars and street signs.  I stayed on the phone with dispatch updating our location as we headed west.  She finally pulled into a neighborhood and parked on the side of the road.  I stopped ahead of her with just enough feet between us that I could keep the 411 with 911.

She then guns it and almost hits the back of my car.  I'm thinking "where in the freak is the freakin cops!!!"  Me and this maniac have been playing follow the drunk idiot for what felt like a half an hour (was probably more like 10 mins).  At the next stop I can see three squad cars awaiting our arrival.  The  drunk Buick lady almost turned right into one of the police vehicles!!!  Dispatch asked if I would be willing to stay in the area and give a verbal and written statement to the police.  I agreed, and shakily wrote my accounts of horrifically watching many potential collisions.

The driver, a lady who looked to be in her late 40's, was so impaired she couldn't even walk when they tried to give her the sobriety test.  They finally just had her blow into the breathalyzer, and whatever the number read, it was high enough for them to handcuff her and take her to jail.

After much appreciation was given to me  from the authorities, I was able to leave.

As I was driving home, my heart was beating in double time and I was beside myself realizing what had just transpired.  

It was sad, horrible and disgusting! 

I am so thankful it was late enough in the night that there were no pedestrians, children, or other cars driving on the road.  This could have been a senseless deadly outcome.

Do you ever wonder......

Am I put here in this moment for a reason, or is it random?

I had the choice to take a different road home, yet I chose that road at that time.  If I would have been just seconds earlier, she might have actually crashed into me.  If I had been seconds later, I might not have been able to witness her driving and not have been available to help the police to avoid destruction.

life is good weird

OOOOh la la

 I am very behind on my posting due to many trips to Grand Junction for party time, house guests, and the fact the my stomach is getting so fat I can barely extend my arms around it to type a sentence.  Luckily for me though, I've figured out that the keyboard sits nicely on top of the jellobelly as my T-Rex arms are within reach of the the alphabet.

Since I have a large quantity to post,  there won't be much quality in these stories.

But here ya go with a shartload of pics!!!

Me and my posse purchased our $40 tickets to see Grace Potter and the Nocturnals for a "girls night" of rock and roll. The venue was at  the beautiful Red Butte Garden amphitheater.

Grace Potter is the epitome of model beautiful, 

multi-musically talented 

and legs 10 miles long.

I was so absorbed watching the freedom of her body movements and the way her silky hair swung around like fringe, that I didn't even care  to see what the other band members looked like.

I think it says a lot that a chick has me more mesmerized than a dude with a guitar!

She's seriously that AWESOME!

[check her out on this video of Ooh La La]

Lisa and Carrie took one for the team.

They showed up to stand in line for hours before the concert started so that we could have good lawn seats.

The sacrifice was appreciated!

Paula and Lyns

Lyns and Marilyn

Lisa came packin!!!!

She brought all the ingredients to make a raw pizza from scratch as we sat on our blankets and drank wine.

Damn it was goooooood!

We all chipped in a lil somethin' somethin' and created a lovely array of munchies.

I do not purposely go out looking for only beautifully-cool girls to be my friends, 

but as you can see.......

I'm surrounded by them :)

If I was from Paris I would say "Oooooooh La La La La La La La"

Making our children proud one movie at a time

I am still on location at the Gardner's residence. 

Because I am a person who is never happy with boundaries, I have decided to stay "just one more day".

I wanted to give you a peek into why our time spent together is so damn hilarious.  Of course this clip was filmed after one of those large ass margaritas and a butt load of beers consumed throughout the day.

Oh don't worry folks!!!!!.....we have more footage for your entertainment.  Keep watching for a 'I'm a shark" dance, a reenactment of the Karate Kid's "crane", and who knows what else we will drum up within the next 12 hours!!!

Our children watched as we danced and laughed.

They were not impressed.

The way I see it, we are serving our parental purpose in exposing them to things that are more awkward and humiliating then themselves.  I believe I am creating confidence in their teen lives with them knowing that what ever they go through, it's never as bad as having to watch their momma free flow jive in a drunk performance!

Stick em up!

Have you tried the stick on nail polishes???

I LOVE THEM!!!!

Of course if you wanted to spend the time, you could get creative and alternate a design on each nail or incorporate standard polish along with the stickers to give a fun mismatch.

I personally love them because I am too impatient to wait for my nails to dry, and I can have these stickers on in minutes!

They are so easy and last FOREVER!

In fact, the first batch I put on lasted so long I was afraid they had bonded with my nail for an eternal marriage.

Then I found out that they can easily be removed with polish remover. Or you can do like I did, and peel them off.  A little sticky residue was left behind but easily balled off once I washed my hands.

Totally worth the under 10 bucks you will pay!

[a $10 package will do your nails and toenails at least 3 times]

Firework overload

The entire month of July is open range for people to do fireworks EVERYDAY in Utah!

I'm quite fond of a beautiful explosive flower of light in the night sky......... but COME ON!!!! 

Do we really need to do this E V E R Y DAY????

We are all so burned out on the over abundance of "shish, boom, bam" that my kids didn't even want to go somewhere on the eve of the Mormon holiday to oooooo and ahhhhhhh over yet another firework show.

I think that says a lot!

So, for our July 24th celebration of the Mormon Pioneers, we sat in our comfy home with a glass of wine [for me], popcorn [for the kids] and a nerve sedative [for Daisy].

We watched the fun happening around us through our big windows and on our front porch step.

It was glorious :)

MOM!! What are you doing?!?!

For the first time in my life [that I can actually remember], 

I sleep walked.

It was 11:30 pm and I had been to sleep for about a half hour.

I was in one of those realms that I didn't feel asleep, only that many thoughts were going through my mind.

In a panic attack, I flung the sheets back and jumped out of bed thinking that I was the only one home and I had forgotten to close the garage. [Randy was laying right next to me the whole time but I swear the bed looked empty on his side!]

I ran out of my room, past the couches and the office.

Nearing the door to the garage I hear, "MOM!!  What are you doing?"

I stopped dead in my tracks and nervously replied, "I'm alone and need to close the garage."

River was standing in front of me at this point and put his hands on my shoulders.

"Mom, are you okay?  You're scaring me."

I remember blinking and realizing my surroundings.

I looked at Riv with a blank stare, shook my head, and said, "I don't know what's wrong with me.  I think I just sleep walked."  Then I slowly made my way back to bed without saying another word.

I've seen my children sleep walk, and also heard of personal stories of people throwing mattresses on their spouse and people actually leaving their homes without remembering doing it.

I always wondered how a person could be in such a dimension of  dreaming that your body acts upon the story without consciousness.

After experiencing it myself, I can say it is fahreekin weird and scary.

Sleep walkers rule #1:  Always wear something to bed that is appropriate for the world to see, because you never know when the sandman will fool you with his magic angel sleep dust!

Nobody wants to see a  bed-headed sleepwalker zombie-ing around with their junk hangin out!

P.S.  The next night [and it felt like ALL night!] I'm pretty sure Daisy and I had a conversation through telepathy.

Something is toying with my brain as I try to sleep.

No wonder insomnia is prevalent in my nights!

I'm frightened of what will become once I do start getting some ZZZZZ's!!!!!

Baby you amaze me

Jax is in a day treatment program Monday thru Friday where he has school and therapy daily.

One of the therapeutic classes they give is 

"music and movement arts".

Friday was their Olympic talent show.

Each child had the opportunity to express themselves and present their wonderfulness through dance, song....... 

and in Jax's case, jump rope.

I could see that Jax was very nervous and a bit withdrawn that morning before the production.

I asked him what he was specifically nervous about?  

Being in front of a crowd?

Scared he might mess up?

Feels like he doesn't know his routine?

BINGO!!!!!

DING!DING!DING!

He says, "Yeah mom!  I don't know my routine! 

And neither does the other guys in my group.  

The teacher didn't give us enough time to practice! ARGH"  

then his head hung low.

I said, "Well, haven't you been practicing everyday for the last 4 weeks?"

Jax said, "Yeah, but I really needed a month!"

let that sentence set in for a min.......

I said, "Jax, 4 weeks IS a month."

He said, "Oh......well then I could have used two months!!!  

I'm scared I'm not ready."

I said, "It's going to be ok bud.  

Me and dad and grandma and your teachers and your therapist will be in the audience watching.  

We all are so proud of you!  

Go out there and just be yourself.

Have fun and you will get everyone else having fun.

You're fun is contagious!"

I totally over-vamped the enthusiasm!  

Jax could see through it.

It even made me cringe from the happy-happy-goody-two-shoes attitude.  

But I didn't know what else to do!

He said, "ok mom......I will try." with his eyes still looking at the floor and little confidence in his voice.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous for him.

I could totally understand his pain!

I am not a person that enjoys being center stage.

Maybe it's because my talents fall very short and I just want to pee and cry and my entire body breaks out into a hot sweat.

But put a tambourine in my hand to shake behind the band, and 

H E L L O!!!!

I shine :)

[How does everything relate back to me??? 

this is a post about my kid.

God I'm so absorbs sometimes!]

The show started with a flag ceremony and children dancing to different country's anthems.

My water works immediately flowed.

I watched these kids present a side of them that was so pure, happy and free;

which are three things that are not the norm in their every day minds.

The teacher informed the audience that there was no choreography in place.  

The children were instructed to move to the way their bodies told them to move.  

To make their own routine.  

To feel the music, 

feel the ribbons in their hands, 

and to feel the joy 

between their body and mind as it merged.

It was beautiful beyond words.

These kids are special......

and I am fortunate to be privy to see this side of them.

Jax and a group of 4 other boys were the closing ceremony.

He had told me previously that he would be jump roping for the talent show, but didn't want to practice at home because he wanted it to be a surprise.

And yes, I was completely surprised by the talent!

They jumped to the song "Party Rock" by LMFAO.

They started with the long rope.

Jax and his best friend were the main attraction by jumping with fast footwork, turns, and rhythm.

The audience was cheering, which livened Jax's entertaining instinct.

He then danced around the stage with his arms pumping to the sky to get everyone clapping and moving in their seats.  

After a few signature moves, like the running man and some fancy Usher glides, Jax had his solo jump rope show in the games' finale.

The song has a fast thump at the end.

Jax singly jumped to the beat faster than I've ever seen his feet go!!!!

BAM

BAM 

BAM

BAM

BAM

I yelled, "GO JAX GO!!!!!!!!"

There were other voices in the crowd cheering him on, 

which only expanded his presence.

[I couldn't take pictures or video of his performance due to the privacy of the other children]

Our boy......

Our Jumpin Jax Flash made his mom and dad very proud!

These are the rewards that a parent waits for.....

we have all earned the pride it gives.

Life is good :)

Just one more brag if I may.......

Jax painted this mother and baby elephant.

Do you see the detail, yet simpleness of the color enhanced dimension? 


baby......you amaze me!

Jump on the Train with me!

Train.....one of my top 3 favorite bands these days!

I know that this song isn't bright shiny new on the radio, 

but I can't get enough of it no matter how many times I hear it!!!!

While finding this live SLC radio station concert on YouTube

 [they don't have a music video taped yet], 

I found out that the song is about a guy who is too embarrassed to tell his friends that his lady dumped him, 

so he tells them she died.

It's so damn funny!!!

But then again, I am a girl who laughs at tragedy....

I realize that I am not the norm.

These are the 50 ways he said goodbye.

I hope you likeee too!

Men and women are NOT created equal

I'm feeling gypped by the fact that I  get more eye sags, brittle hair, crepe paper skin and the 'boobs hang low syndrome' as each day passes.........

Randy and men in general are on the opposite end of aging in their 40's.

They advance to distinguished and sexy.

Years bring character as their hair turns silver.

Their face shows a comfortableness of manhood through the lines.

I go in and out of  gracefully agreeing to the terms of aging.

I have comfort in knowing, that no matter how the process will look in the end..........

this handsome, sharp dressed man is dedicated to holding my weathered body on his arm for the long haul.

That loving thought makes me smile :)

DOH!! There we go!!!  

Another face wrinkle for me.

[The suit picture is full of orbs.

I'd like to think his angels were surrounding him this particular day to give strength and encouragement.

do do dooo doooo......weird!
AND yes, it took 3846 yards of material to make the slacks long enough for daddy long legs.]

OH!!! I'm getting you drunk tonight!!!!

Disclaimer:  blogger is doing it's own phantom highlighting again.

I hate blogger!

It all started with a mid-day text from by best 'gingy' friend Amie.

"It's so effin hot here in Grand Junction!!!! 

 I miss you. 

 You should come down and float in my pool and booze it up with me"

She had me at booze.

I called my Paula-girl and extended the float-n-booze invite to her too.

A few days later, Paula and I were on the road headed to Colorado.

The TomTom telling us where to go, Hot Tamales passed back and forth and awesome deep convo's that only road trips allow due to driving time.

We stopped in Wellington to hit the head and Paula asked how much longer we had til we arrived at our destination.

I told her "eh, about an hour" knowing damn well, 

I myself didn't even know WTF I was talking about!!

Hello!!!

That's why I have to have TomTommy boy to tell me where the hell to go!

I'm an idjit when it comes to directions and drive times.

That hour passed, then another, and part of another.....

then we were finally directed to Amie's doorstep.

Good TomTom, Good boy! 

[Although, TomTom was born a boy,

 himmer talks like a lady.  

I don't judge lisps or the fact that TomTom never reached puberty.  

He can't help it if he sounds like a computerized Oprah!]

Hey Paula!!!  That's it! 

 I thought of what to name TomTom.....

he/she shall be called OPRAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Once we arrived to Amie's home, we gave hugs, jumped up and down and then devised the plan of NOT planning and to only go with the flow of where the evening led us.  

But drinking would definitely be planned in our no plans contract because THAT you do have to plan for and as you can see 

[Paula will demonstrate in picture below]

we planned our purchases accordingly.

A CART O' BOOZE!!!!!!

yeeee haw partner!!!!

let's do this no plan rodeo!!!

{Thelma, Louise, and Lucille Ball}

It was hard to contain our excitement with the anticipated fun we were embarking on.

The LARGEST BEER COOLER IN THE WORLD also contributed to the giddy.

Paula and Amie thought it was real funny to listen to me as I accepted a phone call from one of my neighbors.  Daisy had dug under the fence due to her psycho anxiety from rain storms.  Randy wasn't home and obviously, I was in a whole nubba state.  I asked the neighbor to try to get Daisy off the streets and into my house.  Apparently the dog was so freaked out that she went deaf, dumb, and blind.  She was darting in front of cars and running in mad circles.  Daisy would NOT obey the neighbor's commands to follow her so she put her phone on speaker and had me yelling into the phone on my end, 

"Come on Daisy!!!! 

Come girl!!! 

Come home!!!!"

This extreme measure of humiliation was in hopes that Daisy would be comforted by my voice and snap out of the lala land she was tweaking out in.

IT WORKED!!!!!

IT WORKED!!!!!

IT WORKED!!!!!

My soaking, stinky, dazed and confused dog made it to safety via my voice and the unlocked front door.

mmmmmmmmmmmm!!!

Nothin says 'smell good' like a wet dog alone in a house using the carpet and couches as a towel.

ARGH!!!!!

[don't worry, you can still come visit and shouldn't have the stench of an animal shelter attached to you when you leave....

I've been hand scrubbing shiz ever since!]

Our second stop was the nearby Safeway to snag some 'alcohol soaking up' munchies.

[do we know how to party or what???  

when it comes to drinkin and eatin and a good time.......

we don't fuck around!]

Amie has the most inviting home.  No one is a stranger and the laughter and love is spread throughout her property.  Her decor is eclectic, scattered with antique  family heirlooms around a kick-ass updated kitchen.  Her house is outwardly embraced with greenery and blooms of flowers.  But my favorite area to be in Amie's home is the screened room.  It's an indoor/outdoor resort  with plants, waterfalls, loungers, beer coolers and  the aura of relaxation.

This is the area we spent most of our time telling stories, book reviews, family gossips, and playing cards.

At one point, we were starting to lose Paula.

YAWN....YAWN....YAWN

This lil momma was tired due to lack of sleep from being a lil momma.

I knew exactly what we had to do!!!!

It was what I would compare to a defibrillator emergency!!!

I turned to Amie and said with urgency in my voice, 

"Paula needs Jagermeister STAT!!!!  It's the only thing that can save her now!!! Where is the closest place we can get this stuff quickly???  Time is of the essence or we will lose her to the pillow within minutes!"

Luckily Colorado is one of those states that allow you to be a grown up and make grown up decisions by selling mini bottles at the corner mart.

We walk in, ask the stoned checker where we could find the Jager.

It was stalked in a cooler ready for immediate consumption.

I grabbed the mini with intention to purchase.  

Paula said, "oh Jolie, you don't have to buy that.  I can buy my own Jager."

I responded with,

 "OH!!!  I will buy it!  I'm getting you drunk tonight!!!"

You can imagine the stoner- quicky- mart dude's reaction when he heard these words come out of my mouth...... 
He looked back and forth at Paula and the size of the Jager bottle wondering how this was really going to get someone drunk.

[see example below]

Yes my friends, this little bottle half this little bottle is all Paula needs to get OBLITERATED!!!!

[I wrote that word cuz she loves that word.  You're welcome]

The night was perfection with great company surrounding.  Laughter was contagious and I cried til I couldn't breath from everyone's humorous one liners.

As each hour passed, I had twinges of bitter-sweetness.  I wanted to devour all of the minutes we had remaining together, but was fearing the quickness of my departure time the next day.

Before leaving my Gardner family that next afternoon, we had a delicious hangover breakfast at Starvin' Arvin's.

It was pulling the breath and tears out of me to leave them.

They are so good to me.

I realize how fortunate I am to have these friends as my chosen family.

Thank you Gardners!!!!

FFL together ..... forever!!!!!

And thanks to Paula-girl for trusting my driving to get her there and back home safely :)  

She only grabbed the OH SHIT handle a couple or maybe 13 times.