NOLA Chapter 3

This Chapter is short and sweet, kind of like the deener on this funky no hand man statue.

Our grandiose agenda for this day was to take the three hour lunch tour on the famous Natchez.  

It's the only steam powered river boat left on the Mississippi.

Unfortunately, the dumbass Final Four A-Holes* booked it for the next two days!

Scratch the Natchez off our list!

(that kind of sounds like something that needs Vagisil cream)

*I  know that I continue to bash the Final Four Basketball event.

For the record.....

I have no issues with basketball or the people who love it.  

I have found it entertaining at times myself.

What I am bitching about, is the amount of people (a lot of tall ugly ones) that swarmed the streets and made things difficult for us to catch the trolleys, walk the streets, and ride the effin Natchez because of the Final Four!!!

We walked along Woldenberg Park which butts up against the Mississippi River.

It's lined with nice grass, beer carts, a paved bike trail, drunks laying under magnolia trees, hippies toking up and passing it in the round, and girls in bikinis 'free love' dancing to the sounds of Blondie playing live in the nearby pavilion.  

I loved it!!! LOVED, LOVED, LOVED it!

 It reminded me of San Francisco. 

If there were a sign hanging above this area, it would say,

"Come as you are.  Everyone welcome.  Everyone accepted.  

The only law:  Show love and peace to your neighbor."

The  contrast of the old world French Quarter buildings 

(short multi-colored to the right) 

and the skyline of the newer business skyscrapers, is extreme. 

 I guess there is no way to gradually merge a city built in the 1700's with modern day 21st century architecture.

As you can see by the plethora of pictures, I was totally stoked to see Jax's name all throughout the French Quarter.

Jax Brewery was once the brewing and bottling house of Jax Beer from 1891 until the mid 1970's.  They went broke because they served free beer all day long.  Today the brewery has been converted into nationally known stores, a museum, restaurants, and an art gallery.

What's a girl to do if you have to scratch your Natchez off  the agenda???

A GIRL GOES SHOPPING!!!!!!!!

For a Southern Belle  hat to shade her beautiful face from the rays of the dreadful sun..

oh my!

[I say in my best Southern drawl, 

which also sounds a bit Asian and Hispanic 

combined.

I've never been good at accents...

I just put them all together....

we all are a melting pot anyway!!

Am I right or am I right ninja amigo???]

This girl goes  DRINKING!!!!!!

And this girl shops, drinks AND eats!!!!

We call her the triple threat!

We walked around the beautiful Jackson Square admiring the gardens, the statue of Andrew Jackson,  and the view of  St. Louis Cathedral.

We watched an entire wedding party led by the bride and groom, who were just married at the Cathedral, walk the streets in a jamboree. 

Blaring trumpets, twirling white handkerchiefs, bobbing lace umbrellas, and police escorts took up the cobbled streets in celebration.

It was awesome!!!!

We felt very privy to be in the right place at the right time to see the spectacle.  

A store clerk standing near us said with annoyance,

"oh.....another New Orleans wedding" 

Apparently this kind of thing happens often.  

But for us, it was a once in a lifetime event.

Once again, we were thirsty and needed a rest after walking 500 miles and then walking 500 more...and so on.

We came upon a bar that looked rich with dark wood.  As we walked in I noticed gentlemen sitting on this L-shaped wall seat smoking cigars.  I said to Chelise very quietly, "shit, is this a gentlemen's club or something?"  Acting like we are suave and know exactly WTF we are doing, we slink up to the bar.  It quickly  took a cross dressing video,  ONLY men in the bar sitting close to each other not afraid to share manhood space, and some nakee sailor pictures on the wall for me to go ,"Oh yes, I see it now.....we are in a gay bar".  I'm not sure why the rainbow flags hanging outside didn't clue me in immediately??!!!  

a duhhhhhh a duhhhhhh a duhhhhhh

We swig our drink and mosey on.

Chelise and I started talking about some of the issues*  that were going on during our stay at the gay bar, and Elise turns to us wide eyed and said, "we were in a gay bar?!?!?"

Looking past the obvious......

It's genetic people.  

It has to be.

*A girl came in not wearing anything from the waist up, but body paint.  She was soliciting some kind of tattoo shop with the name and address paint brushed across her nips.  It became an issue because the gay bar peeps didn't want her in there "trashing" up the joint. LOL!

We had hoped to keep the amp-ed up energy pumping until dusk so we could stay in the French Quarter area and listen to some Jazz bands in bars that we heard the locals frequent.

That hope became a big NO when our faces started to hang as low as our boobies and our feet were dragging ass.

 We were exhausted!!!

We caught a cab back to the Garden district, ate dinner, and chillaxed for a few hours in front of the tv.

And then.......

ROUND 43!!!!!

Chelise and I threw on our shoes and made our way to our fav little dive bar, Igors.

We laughed with the locals and enjoyed the warm night air sitting on the patio.

I was starting to get pretty familiar with Igor's....

 and apparently, I was starting to look like a local myself because I was able to direct a stranger to Igor's laundromat.

"yes sir, go straight past the karaoke stand, pass the beer bar, ignore the jukebox, you will come upon the pool tables....and to the right you'll see the washers."

Only in New Orleans do you get good drinks, good food and a laundromat all in the same 100 square foot area!!!!!!

Nola Day 3~Scratching my Natchez.

Starting to feel like a Southerner.

NOLA Chapter 2

Just a few steps away from our hotel was The Trolley Stop Cafe.

We ate breakfast here EVERY day!

It's one of those places where you seat yourself;

'you are family and you better settle in and get comfortable...

if not, it's just your own damn fault!'

They served  good old fashioned grease platters for $6.99.  Our eggs, buttery potatoes and sugared ham rejuvenated our energy to take on the day.  

It was warm and a bit humid, but decent walking weather to check out the Garden District 5 blocks away. 

Beads, beads, everywhere beads!!!

They decorated the balconies and  hung from trees.

The spray of colors surrounded the neighborhoods creating a piece of art.

Walking on the sidewalks and looking up made me feel like I was part of the canvas that is constantly in motion.

The root systems on these oak trees were a masterpiece in themselves.

The Garden district was settled  in 1830 by rich white Americans.

They wanted to "one up" the French and Spanish bungalows located in the French Quarter.

Only 4 houses per block were allowed to be built.

The architecture designs are an influence fusion of French, Spanish, Italian, English and Greek Revival.

There are between 20-30 rooms in a home and many of the rooms have high ceilings, bronze chandeliers, marble mantles and hand painted murals.

Most of the homes are still in the possession of the descendants of the original owners.

There are many covenants that a home owner must abide by when living in one of these 7 figure $$ mansions.

Basically, you need to keep the outside as original in color and size as the day it was built.

We walked by the homes of Sandra Bullock, Nicolas Cage (before he lost it to back taxes), Eli & Peyton Manning's family home, and.....uh...yeah,  I can't remember who else.

Outside of each home is a gas lantern.  The law states that "a lantern must be lit if the resident is home, and blown out if the resident is absent".  This law was started hundreds of years ago, and is still in place.

Under each porch is a ceiling painted blue. This is because of the yellow fever epidemic that killed entire families.  If the ceiling is blue, it fools the birds (carriers of yellow fever) into thinking it is the sky, and they will not nest in the eves.

(Lafayette cemetery No. 1)

I had heard of the above ground cemeteries*, but I had NO idea how grand  and truly monumental they are.

I was speechless as I walked around reading the marble markers with names and birth/death dates.

*New Orleans is 7 feet below sea level. A buried body in the ground will float to the surface.

I was overcome with reverence when I came upon the tomb for Destitute Orphan Boys.

The Catholic nuns who watched over these boys are placed in this tomb also.

A little known fact:

A family tomb is purchased for $45,000-$250,000 depending on the location and type of exterior requested.  A $1,000 one time maintenance fee can be purchased also.  Some tombs are very basic with red brick and mortar.  Others have colored stucco and marble.

Families are to use these crypts for generations with the only expense being the one time purchase price.

Many have multiple marble name plates dating back from the 1800's to recent day.

Because of the heat and humidity, there is a natural cremation process.

The casket is placed inside the tomb (the tomb will hold two caskets at a time. if you have more then two deaths in a family within the same year, you can 'rent' a space from the cemetery in their crypt wall), and in one year and one day* the grounds keepers remove the casket, empty the ashes of the deceased, and place them in a hole at the bottom of the tomb to join the others who preceded before.

Ashes to ashes....dust to dust.

The casket is then destroyed.

*The natural cremation process is one year.  The cemetery gives the family an extra day after that year is complete to say their good byes before the ashes are poured into the ground.

After the intensity (heat and sweat and dead bodies) of the cemetery walk, we needed beverages and food STAT!!!!

We found a wonderful little restaurant on Decatur Street in the French Quarter.

We ordered martini's and watched the streets through the large cut out windows where shutters are opened to the sides.

We had noticed Kid Rock's touring semi truck across the street parked in front of the House of Blues.  Moments later, we watched a limo drive past.  Elise said, "hey look!!!!  a limo!!!"

I replied, "OMG!!  what if that's Kid Rock??"

Elise screamed, "run Jolie run!!!!"

I bounced from my seat and ran the sidewalk yelling, "KID!!"

He turned slightly as he exited the limo.  I pushed the button on my jacked-up P.O.S. camera that takes 5 seconds to warm up to a focus, 

and captured this......

the back of his head!

(see the yellow trucker hat turned backwards with the dread locks flopping out??? yep, that's him)

I aint gonna lie....It was still pretty cool.

After finishing our DElish dinner, we totally wanted to be part of the Kid Rock action so we stalked him by kickin' it for a few beers at the Zydeco Blues bar next door.

The bar tenders are allowed to drink along with the patrons.  For every shot you buy the bar tender, you get a second one for yourself free.  I only know this from eaves dropping on conversations of others bellied up to the bar.  Chelise and I manned the juke box and played air guitar while Elise went shopping for a lil surprise.

When in Nawlins you must dress the part!!!!

The more flamboyant and fru fru , the BETTER!!!!!

rawr!!!!!!

We watched as a bunch of jackasses set up lights and rolled out a long red carpet.  We asked 3 different dudes what was going on.  We got stupid answers like, "Oh! Kid Rock is interviewing girls for his next video" or "Kid is coming out to sign autographs", but the one that I finally did believe was from this lil man that told me it was all for an ESPN event* and Kid Rock is putting on a concert for the sports announcers.** 

*This story is believable considering that stupid final four basketball shit was in town.

**I saw Charles Barkley and another ESPN sportscaster in the airport!

We stood around patiently for about 30 minutes watching for someone famously recognizable to walk by, while intermittently popping into the bar to chug a beer.

We finally said F this!

And walked down the street until we came upon NOLA FD.

Chelise needed to get her hubs a NOLA FD t-shirt.

The men were so nice and I think they were just happy to talk to someone.

Since we were in the area, the famous Cafe Du Monde tempted our senses with powder sugar and chicory coffee in the air.

Cafe Du Monde  has open air seating- great for people watching! They are open 24 hours a day and only serve two things: coffee and beignets (like scones but better!)  A table of 4 will cost less then $10 with each person receiving their own plate and cup full.

Everything in and around the cafe is dusted with powdered sugar.

Even the strongest willed person would forego their diet for these lil lovelies!  

But let me just say, if you are going to New Orleans, don't EVEN plan on being on any kind of calorie watching diet plan!!!

It's impossible!  

Well, unless your a shmuck and don't have any fun....

and then your life sucks.......

and then it's just your own damn fault!!!!!

We were on sugar crack and a caffeine high which led us to the pavilion to rock out to the 

free live KISS show!

It was so much fun to see people with their faces painted like their favorite KISS member.

KISS was my very first concert when I was 15.  I saved and bought my own ticket for $17.50.  It was general admission and held at the Salt Palace.

As far as I can remember, they still sound the same today.

Ya know....like shit.

I love em anyway.

Elise prefers to swing to-and-fro rather then rock-n-roll.

I say, "good on ya girl!!!  whatever yanks yer chain, as long as your having fun doing it!!!!"

Chelise and I were like freaks on a leash!  

Panting and running in circles and drooling and frothing at the mouth and jumping up and down and OMG OMG OMG OMG it was so much fun!!!!!!!

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2 hours later..............

Once our caffeine, nicotine, beer and sugar high wore off, we could barely drag our asses out of the cab and up to our room.  

We were rode wet and put away hard!!!!

(It rained on us telling us it was time to go home.)

Once we made it to the room, Chelise and I looked at each other and in unison said, "round 42!!! let's go!"

Elise rolled her eyes and said, "you girls are crazy!!!  I'm going to bed!"

At 3 am we found our new dive bar that became our home..... 

away from our hotel home...... 

away from our real home.

This is where we met and talked to some of the kindest and most interesting people.  They were locals, who were willing to share their life and travel stories, but also pleased to ask questions and reciprocate the listening ear.

Hey!!!!  If you really only live life once, then you better make it a good one!!!!!

And if you don't, 

it's just your own damn fault!!!!

NOLA Day 2 ~ living like it's your last day

{{{{{Any laws or history told in this story is or is not completely in my own words or could possibly be totally factual, but maybe not, or maybe so, or whatever! so don't sue me}}}}}

Baby steps

My boy is doing well.

We see progress and signs of learned life skills in a short amount of time.

He has earned his way to low restriction which means we can take him off campus for 2 hours once a week.

Monday was his first official off campus dinner.

 Buca di Beppo was his choice of eatery.

We had a very nice family meal, and Jax made sure to eat til his tummy couldn't take in one more meatball!

No tears were shed when it was time to take him back.

We realize that this is a time of growth and reprieve for all of us.

Breaking our own dynamic of pain and chaos within this family will come with a giant leap of faith.

But first, baby steps for a young man in a size 12 shoe.

Founding members of the FFL prevention association

 We spent  Easter weekend in Grand Junction, CO with the Gardner family.
The hospitality and fun was BEYOND awesome!

Mike and Randy [pictured here in their "BROmance" moment],

reminisced of their glory days. 

 And when I say 'glory' I mean, "dork-nerd-dweeb-lame-flannel-walletchain-mullet-wranglers-dream of driving big rigs around the world" days.

Amie and I teased** about their youthful dreams, and made sure to let them know how lucky they were to have met us!  Because we all know, if they hadn't hooked up with us wild child chicks, the only nakee girl(s) they would have ever seen would have been the 'Snap-On' girl calendars hanging in the sleeper of their 18 wheeler!

That's when they both agreed and then Mike made the statement that they would have been FUCKED FOR LIFE if they hadn't married us!

Hence, the FFL founders turned FFL prevention advocates.

An FFL founder has the universal responsibility to advocate an FFL-free life.  They are encouraged to travel the small towns and publicly talk to the teen boys that look to be following the FFL path.  Maybe, just maybe,  Mike and Randy can be physical proof that there is a way out of FFL. 

All of the blood, sweat, tears and humiliation will be worth it even if only one young man's life is saved from being in the FFL curse.

**our dudes are so cool about the teasing....
their admission of dorkville is actually quite cute and makes me love them even more :)

Our stay with the Gardner's was short, but oh so sweet!

We always make the best of our time together.  

Our relationship is easy, accepting, stands the test of time, and fun loving.

The night before we had to leave, we went to our favorite Mexican Cantina for their famous "free pour" margaritas.

After drinking our own medium sized margarita, we ordered the jumbo glassful for all of us to share.

arriba! arriba! ay yi yi!!!!

This captured moment is called:

"It aint gonna suck itself".

I can't really tell you what happened after we sucked down the last drop, due to the fact that tequila affects me in the same way a roofie would.

Jolie+Tequila=Mexican Roofie

All that I remember from the rest of the evening is in bits and pieces which include:

~a hot tub with a jacket on

~climbing a washing machine

~tongs
~someone saying "call CSI, there's a crime scene in my pants!"

~bruises

~clothes flung on a rose bush

~waking up with drunken amnesia worried to look anyone in the eye

~a morning apology text to all who were drunk texted from us the night before!!!!

Yes, I had been warned about the effects of mass tequila consumption, but I'm one of those who enjoys learning everything the hard way.

And I will probably do it AGAIN because I also learn by repetition of self infliction.

NOLA Chapter 1

I boarded the United Airlines plane at 6:52 am on Thursday.

An hour later,  I was in the Denver airport meeting up with Chelise and Elise to finish our morning travel into New Orleans together.

I would say that at that point, it was 

ON LIKE DONKEY KONG SMACKING IT ON A BING BONG!!!!!

The laughing, tears, snot dripping and near peepee pants moments were in full swing.

The other passengers had NO idea what they were in for as they found their seats located near our seat trio.

Maybe these pics can give you a hint........

[101 ways to wear a neck-sleep pillow. 

 please take note]

Lucky for you all, we aren't documenting our teachings in:

~airline headphone usage 

and the unaware loud talking/singing 

to each other while wearing said headphones

 along with butt dancing in our seats with arms

 pumping the beat above our heads, 

~the air massage of the stranger man's head 

in front of you without him knowing it, 

~the eating nuts found in the bottom of Jolie's purse

 just to soak up the bloody mary swirling in an empty stomach

 because we are too cheap to buy the $9 snack pack that the airline offers.

By the time our flight arrived in NOLA at 2:09 pm, we had laughed our makeup off and couldn't wait to find a restroom.

We exited the plane with a realization that the airport is outdated and teeny-tiny!  SLC and Denver have nice airports, so I guess I was expecting to walk off the plane and enter an ongoing Mardi Gras  party complete with bling, song, and outrageousness.

I was sorely mistaken, but I was pleasantly surprised to find this:

Automatic seat covers!!!!!

Why don't we have these EVERYWHERE?!?!?

It's these little things that totally rock my world.

After we retrieved our 200 pounds of combined luggage, we hailed a taxi to take us to our hotel.

Our driver was an older lady with 3 teeth left in her mouth.

She had a thick creole accent, and the gift of gab!!!!

She made sure to give us tips for safety, stories of her own life, and continued to question our decision to visit NOLA.

At the end of each completed sentence, she made the sign of the cross with her hand to her head, chest and shoulders, and then made a brief look to the sky.

I was beginning to wonder if this was a unique personal twitch since it was happening every 2 minutes on the hour, or if it was divine intervention  trying to give is a blatant "sign" to heed this toothless ladies warnings!!!

I started to become at ease as we approached our hotel.

We were in the heart of the Garden District.

We soon found out that this location is the most beautiful and safest part of town.

We checked in to our quaint room that was equipped with a little kitchenette and simple comforts.


No time to waste!!!

We had a trolley stop directly in front of our hotel that would take us around the entire city for $1.25.

Our first stop:  Bourbon street

We had wondered why the hotels were booked and so many people were visiting.

Yah....the stupid Final Four basketball thingy was going on.

Apparently, this event brought as many people to NOLA as New Years Eve does.

We were glad that we decided to experience Bourbon Street on this first day before the weekend came and it started to get crazy town!

I was in my glory watching the street performers.  Most are young men that are born with Jazz in their blood and effortlessly make beautiful music in unison.

One of my favorite street shows were the five boys that stuck a can top to the bottom of their Nike with a piece of chewed gum to create a tap shoe.

These boys tapped their way into my heart which in turn, found themselves a sweet tip thrown in the box.

Bourbon street has the smell of Vegas X's 10000!!!

The stench of trash, vomit, sewer, and alcohol seeps up your nose holes and sticks there for a good 48 hours.  There are strip clubs with barely clothed girls standing at the doors beckoning the men to share a 'dance'.

All of the bars have kick ass drink specials and live bands enticing customers to choose their bar.

[the hair issue was bad!!! the humidity took my head, threw it in a moldy washer with nothing but kizzy serum and fug. nothing could help the frizzed tragedy, and I just got to the point that I gave my hair a big FU birdie and never looked in the mirror AGAIN!]

It was the 3-fer-1 Bud Light special that grabbed us!

I can not understand the science behind the continued ice cold temperature of our beers.

I don't know if it has something to do with being below sea level, or if it's because I drink it too fast to get warm, but I never had  a beer that wasn't brain freezing cold!!!!  YUM!!!!

We enjoyed many bars giving each one a turn to entertain us.

This Zydeco band was so much fun to watch!

The dude with the washboard  moved in ways that I don't think I've ever seen.

I've maybe seen a crazed flea infested chimp on crack move like this, but no human.

This is a common happening I assume since the police just walked right by the passed out lush.

Elise had her cards read by a lady with a shaky hand and good news.

She told of great health and wealth for the family.

THANK GOD!!!

Can you imagine if you sat down to have the leprosy and wart faced card presented in front of you.

That would be a total downer!

We ended the evening relaxing at Harrah's and recapping the "fun's" of the day.

This casino attendant named Theo,  was my first of many new friends. I didn't anticipate the overwhelming love and connection I would feel for the people of NOLA.......

but more explaining on that in the next few chapters.

NOLA Day 1-exhilarating crazy fun!

New Orleans, LA (NOLA) Introduction

We are back from NOLA;

safe, enamored, and life changed.

I have so many experiences to share;

ranging from crazy people on the street, 

seeing the back of Kid Rock's head,  

beer that was always ice cold, 

walking past Sandra Bullock's home, 

and first hand interviews with Katrina survivors.

Life is still busy right now, but I'm hoping to start NOLA chapter 1 on Monday. 

There is far too much information to condense into one post and each story deserves it's own air time.

My goal is to move you emotionally to want to experience NOLA and it's people for your own.

They need us.

We need each other.

ttys :)