NO steak for you!

Randy's work Christmas dinner was the day after the "Shock wave".

Everyone was very concerned and grateful to see Randy alive and doing well.

As Rand was walking the room socializing, one of his co-workers made Randy's "heart healthy" dinner plate awaiting his return to the table.

Orange ya glad I didn't say.......

[You can fill in the blank....

I'm all out of funny at this moment. 

My funny shipment is expected to arrive soon.  

Bear with me until it's delivered]

One time at band camp......

Riv and his friend Darius play the bass clarinet in middle school band.

Riv wanted to get one of his arts credits out of the way before he hit high school, so band was the artsy fartsy way to complete the task.

Riv was, "OMG I hate this band class. It is sooooo stupid and lame", until a couple weeks into it.

Now, he enjoys practicing and was looking forward to the Christmas concert held at the school one evening last week.

The sound of a child's Christmas symphony and  the pride I have in my son, will make all the darkness fade to a distance.

Being around River and his music, makes my spirit bright.

One thing you can always count on

Everything will be OK in the end....

I am writing this in a haze. 

I have so much pent up anxiety, fear, anger, and sorrow.

The emotion isn't from lack of warmth, support, prayers and concern from loved ones embracing my family.

It is from my own doing.

I have a hard time sharing my grief in a way that will let people in to help.

I'm not a lone soldier, yet my soul tells me this is my lone fight.

My shaken body is telling me that I need to get my emotions out on paper my blog diary to release the yesterday, so that I can deal with today and tomorrow.

We have admitted Jax back to a mental treatment center.

On 12/12/12 at exactly 12:00 pm, 

I signed authority to ambush my son into the psych unit.

I won't go into detail as to the current events that led up to the repetitive drastic measure, but I can tell you that it is out of love and concern for 

Jax, River, society, and especially Randy and I.

It's amazing how you think you would lay down your life for your child, until your life becomes threatened and you choose to love yourself more........ for survival.

Jax is doing ok, and I go in and out of hope for any kind of long term recovery.

Randy and I ache to have him home and can't bear the pain of even walking into his empty bedroom.

We also have moments of feeling relieved and comforted that Jax is in a safe environment and we have peace in our home.

There have been meetings with psychiatrists, psychologists and psych psych psych doctors up the ass!

Yesterday was a day of some life changing decisions.

While Randy and I were waiting for our appointment, with yet another psych doctor, Randy started having what we thought was a panic attack.

The anguish that we have endured is taking it's toll.

After the meeting, Randy went back to work not feeling well.

Last night, he was dizzy, disoriented, ashy skin coloring, and couldn't eat or carry on a conversation.  He said his heart was still feeling weird.

I kept a close eye on him through the night, and he woke this morning feeling unrested and weak.

I drove him to urgent care at their 8 am opening.

[I should have taken him in last night! What was I thinking?]

They immediately were concerned about his high blood pressure [ 158/118] and hooked him up to the EKG machine.

Once the report was printed, Randy was placed in a wheel chair and walked quickly to the emergency room.

His heart had been in atrial fibrillation for the last 20 hours.

The E.R. staff gave him a medicine intravenously hoping it would put his heart in a normal rhythm.   

His heart rate was bouncing from 110 to 178 in seconds.

The medicine didn't take effect.

The doctor sat at Randy's bedside and explained the next procedure.

It would be to sedate him, and shock his heart.

If this didn't work, they would have a call placed to the nearest cardiology center and have him immediately transported. The doctor said that because Randy had been in a-fib for so long, the end outcome would probably be a ride to the emergency cardiologist.

But in a "cross your fingers" effort, we will try this defibrillator process and hope there hasn't been too much damage already done.

[OH!! You know I have to get a picture of everything!!!

Documentation!!!]

The array of gooey stickers that they placed on his body was overload.

We prepared for his sedation, and he was the calmest I've seen in such nervous circumstances.

[What did it matter at this point?  He had already been poked 5 times because of veins that kept exploding.  He handled it well for a 'needle-weenie']

He was ready to do what  it took to make himself feel better.

The nurse gave him the "Micheal Jackson" drug, and within four seconds I heard him say,

"Wow!  I feel great!  This is better than bourbon!"

I gave a chuckle, and listened for the  E.R. team to ready their position to push the defibrillator button.

What I was NOT prepared for, was  to hear Randy's body bounce and his deep voice yell "OWWWWWWW!!!"

I rushed in asking , "WTF?!?!? Is he not sedated?"

The doctor heard my panic and told me that the procedure is very painful, and Randy's reaction is normal, 

but he won't remember any of it.

I was invited to stay in the room during the 'Shock wave' but I am now glad I didn't.

At the last minute, I backed out.

The sound of Randy's body convulsing in pain was more than I could bear,

 let a lone, to have the visual burned into my memory.

Life raced through my every being.

An overwhelming pain of acknowledgment came across me......

a heart can truly break due to emotional pain.

I thought of friends and family who have lost their spouses.

In that moment, I grieved for them.

I was dramatically and internally, preparing for my own grief.

I don't know how the spirit makes it through such emptiness of future living.

I was bitch slapped out of my selfishness of  'woe is me' within 10 minutes..

The entire medicated high/shock process from start to finish was 10 minutes!

It worked!!

It worked!!

He was back to a natural rhythm and his blood pressure had dropped to normal.

As he awoke in a drugged state of mind, he said,

"ahhhh, I feel GREAT!!!!  

I haven't felt this goooooood in soooooo long!!!

I just love you!"

The doctor asked him, "are you telling your wife you love her?"

Randy was still high and replied,

 "no....I'm telling ALL of you!!!  

IIIIIIII 

LOOOOOOOOVE 

YOOOOOOOU!!!!!"

He had mucho love spread to the entire room!

He remembers NONE of it!!!

Zilch!

The relief was felt by all in the room, that he was able to bounce back without further drastic measures.

[I say that sarcastically, because being voltage shocked into life is a pretty BIG drastic measure in itself!]

After an hour of stability, they released Randy with medication and gave instructions for him to get into a cardiac specialist within 5 days.

As we were driving home, I looked at my sore chested, tired husband and said,

"Is this a dream?  Did you just get your heart shocked back to life and then sent home?"

Randy weakly replied, "Yep.  And I can't even comprehend it all right now."

I brought my man home, laid him comfortably on the couch, and watched as he drifted into a peaceful, lowered heart rate sleep.

Thank you for all of your love, prayers, and energy sent to our family.

We needed it in a BIG way.

I will leave you with a quote that I took notice of yesterday:

"Everything will be OK in the end.....

If it's not OK, then it's not the end."

Liam's Wish

Lisa's Cousin, Liam, died last year at the age of 22.

Cancer took his body, but his spirit lives on in helping others.

The years prior to his passing, Liam made "hobo bags" to take to the city's homeless.

In memory of Liam, Lisa and her family wanted to keep his gifts thriving in his name.

With many contributions of :

hats

gloves

sweat pants/shirts

blankets

and all toiletries,

we filled 25 hobo bags to be taken to The Road Home homeless shelter.

I was honored to be a part of Liam's Wish.

The truth of where children come from

We've all seen this beautiful sentiment.

It just makes you get warm and fuzzy inside thinking two people

 were so madly in love, 

that they planned a family of love,

 out of pure LOOOOOOOVE.

But I also know families are made this way too!!!!

She was smiling all night......until......

Saturday night we celebrated Randy and Lisa's birthday at the piano bar.

We filled the reserved table of 20...... and then some.

I hope the turn out shows the love we have for them both!

You know we are famous for documenting our events with pictures GALORE!

Here ya go!

Here's to Randy's 46th

and Lisa's 38th years of making us all better people by having them in our lives!

The most interesting 'posing' man in the world, Jerry.

You never know where his face is gonna pop up!

Random dude that walked by our table.  

Derek couldn't pass up the photo op.

Random dude was very obliging.

Paula is always a little angel.

[that's what we want her mom to think]

Jay threw a citrus wedge headed east and it landed in the ball of my eye, and sprayed juice across my face.

I am finally rid of all freckles, AND feeling in my T-Zone.

Rich, Derek and Lisa

Noelle and Patrick

A little inside joke.....

You would have had to heard of Lisa's dream to get this one.

The boys are demonstrating their "girth".

Marilyn and Ben

Jay....

or as I called him, "Jay-hole" for being a great lemon flinger/eye blinder.

[btw:  We missed you Lyns!]

It's all fun and games until someone [RICH] buys the bday girl too many German Chocolate Cake shots!!!!!!

Awe.....Poor Lis :(

[Derek sent me an email after he looked at the pictures and said, 

"She was smiling ALL night.....until.......]

Randy took good care of his birthday sister, and held her up to get fresh air.

Ahhhh....the love we all have for the lil girl!

 Jay was proud of Lisa for partying like a rock star!!! 

And secretly, he was glad that it wasn't him this time!
We love ya Jay!!!!
Awe...look at Rand holding me and Lisa's purse!
He's such a stud!
[See Jerry's head in the background?!?!?]

As we waited for Derek to bring the chariot around to pick up his princess,

we took one last opportunity to celebrate and laugh with an "end of the night" picture.

[Paula is awesome at positioning her camera on a dainty ledge, sets the timer, and gets all of us in focus!]

We loaded the bday girl next to her man, and sent them off into the moonlight......with a Puff's tissue and a ponytail holder, 

in hopes of a hangover-free morning awaiting them :)

~~~~~~~~~~~

One more time!!! Happy Birthday Randy, my love.

Don't say a word!

Every morning is the same ritual:

-Drag my tired, defiant butt out of bed, 

-turn on the Keurig, 

-wake up the boys, 

-get River's glass of milk and vitamins placed in the usual corner of the counter,

-make Jax's oatmeal and place his meds and vitamins next to his orange juice.

I also get my thyroid pill out of the cabinet since I'm in the middle of  the 'family drug dispense".

One recent morning, I wasn't in right mind.

I remember putting my pill next to Jax's pills with intentions of taking mine when my coffee was done.
I'm sure you can see where this story is going.
So, I leave Jax to catch the bus on his own while I drive Riv to school.
About a mile from home, I pick up my coffee mug and thought, 
"hey!! did I take my pill?"
Then I had one of those 'everything stops and goes in slow motion' flashback of where I put my pill [next to Jax's] and that I didn't actually take it.
I immediately call Jax, hoping he is still home, and hasn't done what I have asked of him! [which was take his pills before he got on the bus]
RING, RING, RING, RING, RING, RING,.....
It felt like eternity before he finally answered the phone.
Jax: "Hi mom!"
Me:  "Hey!  Did you take your pills?"
[praying he would say no]
Jax:  "Yep!!! Sure did!"
Me:  "Did you take all of them?  
Ya know, all that was sitting there?"
Jax:  "Yah....why?  Is something wrong?"
Me:  "Nope! Nothing wrong!  Just wanted to make sure you took them.  Have a great day at school!"

We hung up and now I have River freaking out.
I turned to Riv and said, "Don't say a word to Jax about this!  It will throw him into a total spastic, paranoid meltdown!"

I then get Rand on the horn.
Me:  "BABE!!! OMG!!!!! Jax accidentally took my thyroid pill!!!!  I don't know what to do!"
Rand:  "Does that mean he will start acting like a girl? WAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
Me:  "WTF!?!? No he's not gonna act like  a girl!!  Didn't you pay attention to my endocrinologist when he was explaining the hormones and the thyroid and the everything?!?!?"
Rand:  "Yes, I paid attention.  I was just trying to be funny"
Me:  "Well I'm freaking out right now!!! Nothing is funny!"

I dropped River off at school and barreled my way down the Banger doing 80 mph because I couldn't get home fast enough to call poison control.  I needed to find out if Jax was going to grow a tail or an extra toe or something!!!!
The nurse-man on the help-line was very comforting and trying not to show how much of a lame call this was for him.  He calmly had to repeat to me, that all of Jax's meds, food, and vitamins, cancelled out any effects of the thyroid pill.

WHEW!!!!!  What a relief!
I felt exhausted by the time my help call was complete.
I swear I had just given birth to a 10 pound bundle of nerves!

I called Randy with the information and an apology.
He accepted it, and chalked it up to 'another one of my wife's erratic behaviors'.

Jax still doesn't know about this frantic emergency call, and as far as I'm concerned, HE NEVER WILL!!!!

Now, help me think of a good excuse to explain to him as to why he is growing a 3rd nipple.

crack WARNING!

For Randy's birthday, I bought him a sweater, a jacket, and a bottle of JOOP! cologne.

How could I have guessed that the woody, cinnamon, sandalwood, honey and musk scent(s) would sexually combine with Randy's skin in a way that makes my heart skip a beat?????

The smell drives me 

animalistic CRAZY!!!!!

I smell him as he leaves the room.

I smell him lingering on my pillow.

 I smell him smudged on my face.

This may be waaaay too much information for most of you, but I find it imperative that I spread the warning of what JOOP! does to a housewife's hormones.

It's exciting 

and distracting 

and frustrating 

and wonderful 

and the simplest aphrodisiac I've ever personally encountered!

I feel like I'm canoodling with a new man.

It's the most bizarre thing...

I can't fully explain the effect it has on me because I don't understand it.

I SERIOUSLY HAVE TO HIDE THE BOTTLE!!!!

[for my own good]

Warning:

JOOP! is pheromone crack!!!

a cup o' lips

Randy surprised me with a lil gift.

He found this coffee mug and thought it looked just like me.

Awe :)  

Randy is so blind.  

I HAVE NO LIPS!!!!!!

Do you speak Chinese?

An invite was given to us by the Gardner's to join their feast for Thanksgiving this year.

We immediately gave our RSVP and counted down the days until we would be together. 

Amie greeted us at her front door with a sexy little apron on her lean body, and wine on her breath.

The Gingy wouldn't admit to her exhaustion, but when I witnessed the amount of preparation she went through before our arrival, I was in awe by the delicious love that welcomed us.

Their home smelled of honey baked ham,  fresh spices, and apple pie.

 Along with ham, the meat trio consisted of a roasted turkey......

a smoked turkey.......

and a soaked in moonshine turkey.

Who gave this drunk ass a knife?

Amie's mother, a neighborhood friend, and her sister and family joined the gathering.

Everyone contributed to the gourmet meal.

After gorging, we sat with a cup of coffee and in a food coma while we visited.

I handed Jax the camera and asked him to take pictures of everyone.

This is what I got back.

He made sure to get an entire collage of himself, and the backs of other people's heads.

So, I'm sorry.....

I wish I could show you pics of the other guests, but Jax said NO.

OY VEY!

The next morning we started with Amie's awesome twist on mimosa's.

Almond champagne, orange juice, fresh lemon and lime juice and a dash of amaretto is the best wake up drink EVER!!! 

After some good convo and lounging in our comfy's, Amie and I made our way to the local mani/pedi spa.

Things were a bit un-relaxing for Amie right away.

Her massage chair didn't work which also means that it wouldn't move back to accommodate Amie's long legs to fit in the mini tub.  She didn't make a big fuss about it and was even quite calm when her foot bath was ice cold.  

The Asian pedicurist sat in front of Amie, gave her a look from head to toe, and said,

"AWH! How tauw arw youh?"

Amie: "6 and half"

Asian:  "Awh myh gah, youh so tauw! Youh leg soh long! It no fit in this like it posed to! 

Awh, it so long!

AWH! 

And youh feet! 

Dayh so biiiig! 

Wha size youh feet? 9? 10?"

Amie:  "Yeah, they're a 10".

Asian:  "Awh myh gah!!!! Day awr such big feet!"

AWH!!!! 

What pedicure youh get?"

Amie:  "The delux"

Asian:  "It good youh gah dewux!!!!  We don't know wha to do for deez kind of cowus.  You have to have dewux to get cowus off!  AWH.....deez awr baaaad cowus!  I don't know if I have plastic bag big enough to put on youh feet! Day jus so big!"

The Asian then speaks fast jibberish to the other employees and has an abruptly paranoid look in her eye when she turned to Amie and said,

"AMIE!  Youh speak Chinee???"

Amie: "Yes, a little"

The Asian straightens up and immediately becomes an ass kissing professional!

Asian:  "AWH Amie!  

We jus lauv youh! 

Wha youh nee?  

Youh nee a massage?   

I wub youh shouldaw fo youh."

I was DYING at how brutal the Asian lady was to Amie, yet how Amie just took it all with a grain of salt.

Actually, I wondered if Amie was truly awake?  

She was much too calm to have her knees poking her chest, her feet in the beginning stages of  hypothermia, and her 'long-ness' attacked by a little mean Asian lady.

On top of it all,  Amie would eventually have to pay good money for the KUNG POW assault!

Saturday was planned  for the wine tasting tour of Grand Junction.

Randy and Mike bagged on us and chose to take the kids shooting.

Not that Amie and I minded, we just invited them out of FFL pity anyway!

What?  You didn't know Grand Junction has wineries???

Seems crazy, I KNOW, but there is something about the climate that certain grapes thrive in this area.  The scenery is delicious too!

[Check out this site.  http://www.visitgrandjunction.com/wineries-tasting-rooms-0

Not only does G.J. have wineries, but they also have breweries and distilleries]

Some of the places where we sampled wine looked like Southern plantations to me.

We had a beautiful day walking and talking and sipping [no spitting]. I look forward to getting my Utah posse together to make the drive to G.J. for the Spring "Barrel tasting and food pairing" tour.

We will hire a limo to drive us to and from each winery.

I'd like to think of it as a mini-Napa valley vaca!

Our last eve together consisted of Amie's friends, Sonja, Mark and Berna coming by to enjoy appetizers, a lot of laughs and a loooooong game of Mexican dominoes.

When I say long, I mean a 3 am bedtime!

A few hours later, and we were awake [with a headache] and Amie was cookin up some good ol country fixins for breakfast before we had to head our way back home.

Thank you Gardner family for feeding us like royalty, giving up your beds for our tired old bodies, and showering us with love and laughter in a way that only FFL members would appreciate!

Love you guys ;)