Ragin Cajun

It's the countdown to what I will call

"Getting Bourbon faced on shit street!"

OH MY GAH!!!!!!!

I can not wait!!!

I'm having an excited anxiety attack right this minute thinking about what kind of adventures we are going to have!!!
It's a good thing I'm typing my words, because I tried to talk to Paula about my trip and became a stuttering, thick tongued idiot!
If you asked me what I was excited about, my answer would come out a little like this:
"tttttttddddddddkkkkkkkkkkkenyadddffvvvvegas fftaxifaaaaaaddddddriverpahpahpaOMGfttttfflaaashbacks......
New Orleans!!!"

OK, so I've packed:

tums-for repercussions from spicy food and drink

umbrella- for walking in the rain

poncho-for those unexpected down pours that an umbrella can not cover

clothes-everything from a swim suit to a maxi dress

shoes-all sensible, yet fashionable to walk miles in

hats-for my kizzy hair in humidity 
and for pure laziness of not wanting to spend time on my fro

camera-to capture the memories
 [of my auntie E and Chelise getting Bourbon faced]

money-to buy myself into a drinking/eating/sight seeing oblivion

plane ticket-to get my ass to Nawleans in a timely manner

pictures of my Aunt Janin and my bro Damon-because I know that they want to be living life large with us....if only in spirit

and last but not least:

mace-to ease my husbands worrisome mind :)

Dude!!!

I'm freakin' going to New Orleans TOMORROW!!!!

The ya-ya sisterhood ambition quote for this weekend:

"Get comfortable baby, I've got a full tank"

It's all about enjoying the ride!

Wahooooooo!!!!!!!!!

Some day

Jax is doing very well.

He hasn't lost his humor and keeps us laughing during our weekly visits.

His moments of being home sick is fleeting.

The regimen and daily routine of the program is comforting for Jax.

Soon, they will start to purposely make things unfair and uncomfortable to evaluate Jax's reaction to situations that he chooses to lack control.

This should be interesting........

I have a vision of one day being able to say to Randy,

"We gave our son life at the age of 12.

Things DID get easier.

Things DID get brighter.

Look at what a wonderful man our Jax has turned out to be."

Some day, we will walk in the rays of a beautiful sun son.

When I grow up, I want to be happy

After posting the situation that we are in regarding Jax, 

I decided that that was my purge, 

my exorcism, 

and the end of my 'woe is me'.

Don't get me wrong, everything I feel and mourn is valid.

I am not understating the severity of what the last two weeks, let-alone the last 12 years of Jax's life issues have been.

I know that we have a lot of lessons to learn and some trying times ahead, but for right now 

I am choosing happiness.

I choose to look at the gifts of help that we have been given as a light that I can start to see flickering at the end of the scary, winding tunnel.

I choose to look at our home now filled with peace and love, as an earned vacation.

I choose to be thankful for all who care and support our family, 

by now being present and not reclusive.

I choose to wake up, get my ass out of bed, and take on the day for what it is, and leave the drama and erratic emotions behind.

Thank you all for being patient while I 'grow up' and learn to understand life.

Life is choice.

Life is good.

Life is love.

Life will be is happy.

xoxo


[This John Lennon quote reminded me of a time last week when I was sitting in a psychiatrist's office.  The doctor asked me what changes I wanted to see in Jax so that they could better help him.
I blurted out the first thing that came to mind:
"I just want him to be able to feel happiness."
It's that simple, yet all encompassing.]

Living without.....

Jax has been placed in a residential psych treatment center for a few months.

The progression of his mental illness along with homicidal threats and actual physical harm inflected upon me, is what  paved the one way road leading away from our home.

It has been two weeks since I have given my son 

a good morning kiss, 

his vitamins next to his breakfast bowl,

his backpack to hold his homework as he rides his bike to school,

a welcome home greeting from school accompanied by an afternoon snack,

a tickle on the back while reading a bedtime story,

a tuck-in goodnight.

Randy, River and myself, are in a tornado of emotion.

Most emotions  have come as a surprise considering the circumstances.

I equate our grieving to a death;

where in the beginning moments of losing that person,

 all you can remember are the wonderful qualities that person held.

We have missed him terribly.

Randy and I cry daily.

Sometimes together....

but most of the time individually in our own corner of the room.

The house is quiet and lonely for those of us who have become accustomed to walking on egg shells, 

looking over our shoulder for the enemy,

fighting against defiance, 

and trying to show love to someone who can not accept.

The addiction of love will keep the battered pining for the abuser's company.

I want to give up on him so badly.

But I just can't....not yet.

He's our boy!

We are a battered family in crisis

who loves and misses their son/brother/enemy.

We are doing our best,

but this is so fucking hard that I can't even put it into words.

I am constantly left with a face full of salty tears, a tired heart, and a lack of  conversation.....

[I'm sorry.....

I didn't want to make this so gaddamn dramatic.  

I thought I was ready to share....

apparently, I'm still ridiculously fragile]

Out of all the fish in the sea....he brought home a carp

I truly know that I was not the ideal catch most mothers would be proud of their son to bring home and introduce to the family.

I've talked about this before, 

but I will remind you all that I was only 17 when Randy and I met.

We came from different worlds.  

Randy had a Christian upbringing with both parents still in tact in their conservative home.

Up until a couple years before we met, Randy was still playing with Tonka trucks and riding bicycles with his friends to see car shows and grab a Slurpee.

The epitome of a straight-laced innocent boy.

By 17 I had already been through three step moms 

and a birth mother that moved as far away from me to not have any parental responsibility; 

a father who worked strange hours,  loved women and made bad choices to which his children paid dearly for.

 I had experienced drug induced highs, alcohol, and sex.  

I  barely graduated high school yet managed to have enough character to be dedicated to a sales job at JC Penney.

I was full of piss-n-vinegar, eyeliner,  immaturity, short skirts, big earrings, and Aqua Net.

Other than being able to afford a better hairspray these days, 

I am still most things on that list.

I know my mother in law continues at times to have concern and worry about her son's decision.

Out of all the fish in the sea....he brought home a carp.

24 years later, I am still a carp but hide it in pink salmon clothing to blend into a different class that is upstream.

Sometimes I can pull it off.

Most of the time, I don't want to pull it off.

I like being a stinky bottom of the lake eater.

I like my trucker mouth.

I like my crude humor.

I like beer.

I like my edgy outfits.

I like my choice in music....even if it is offensive to others.

I like being me!

Even though I am a bit on the kooky side of life, 

I will give myself credit that I am a good wife and mother....

in spite of my upbringing.

The older I get, the more I realize that being true to myself is what brings me the most security and confidence and peace to our family.

Thank you to my friends and fam that enjoy trash fish too :)

You make me feel accepted.

My mother-in-law and I have many ideas that are on the opposite end of the spectrum.

We both enjoy tea, coffee, writing, and gambling.

Beyond that, I would say that we have very different likes and have led  our lives in the extreme of left wing/right wing contradiction of each other.

But even with the yin yang of our personalities, we have always loved each other and continue to learn how keep the difference gap to a minimum disruption.

The music and videos that I post on my blog are foreign to M.I.L, and painful for her to listen to.

I appreciate that she takes the time and patience to 'give it a try' even though she can probably predict that our tastes in music is almost un-meshable.

I had a goal to some day find a song or a melody that we both could find as beautiful.

M.I.L. left a comment regarding my last post on Jack White.

Many of you don't read the comments, so I wanted to present her words on my main page for you to take in.

Today I ate in the dining room with all the 'old folks' 

A 40 something man led his mother to the piano 

where they had often played duets together. 

She is very frail and quite old. 

He started but her hands fell to her lap. 

He gently put her hands back on the keys and started playing. 

[I'm crying as I write this]. 

I held my breath, 

she slowly started then played more confidently 

they played a few songs and he led her back to their table

 while everyone applauded. 

Now That was beautiful music.  

M-I-L

To my mother-in-law......

It is you,

the wiser and more worldly of  the two, 

 that has brought beautiful music that we both can cry over and feel it's effect on the soul.

Thank you.

I love you.

xoxo,

Your daughter- in- law the carp.

LiLo's big shovel

I was looking forward to watching SNL to see how they were going to try to pull off the "come back" of  Lindsay Lohan.

With Jack White as the musical guest, I really couldn't avoid the temptation.

Just when you thought she couldn't hit that all time low; 

sugah got low low low low low low low low!

She looked like a bag of smashed assholes, 

forgot her lines,

 then couldn't even read them correctly off of the cue cards!  

What was supposed to be humorous skits poking fun of herself for the sake of our laughter,  

turned into an annoying D-list actress digging harder with her  'lack of reality' shovel to hit the earth's core!

So sad!

I only stuck around long enough to watch Jack White perform.

I know Jack looks bizarre with his intentional pale skin , red eyes, and straw-mopped hair......

but something about him turns my crank!!!

I think it's because of his amazing talent in song writing and the passion he shows as he sings his lyrics and kicks ass on a guitar.

AND!!!!  He has an all female band for this song!!!

The dude is cool!

I had heard the song "Love Interrupted" on the radio last week and was automatically 
"in crush" with it.   

After seeing the performance I am now "in love".

I realized that I have a lust for songs that are dirty.  

I'm not necessarily talking about the lyrics being x-rated.

I'm talking about dirt in the tone of the voice, 

the depth of the guitar riffs that I can feel through my body, 

and the passion of who it is coming from needs to sound of

 gravel and pain and love and truth.

ahhhhh.....I heart music. 

Love Interrupted

My new crush, lust, love!!!!

[m.i.l:  you won't understand me liking this one either. 

 i will find one some day that we can agree on :)]

Parenting Teens 101: Be Prepared!!!!

I peeked out the door and snapped all of these pics without them knowing.

That is, until this last pic.

Once they figured out I was there, the first thing to come out of their mouths was,

"We were NOT using dad's ice auger!!!"

Don't worry boys....your secret is safe with me.

But my zipped lips come with a price!

This is some good dirt on you two.

[ I am rubbing my hands together and laughing an evil 

wahahahaha !!!!]

Believe me, I have no problem pulling out this incriminating evidence to back up my blackmail!

Just a little heads up for those of you who haven't come into those "teenage" years yet;

As a parent, you need all the ammo you can get!!!

It's you against them

 and they are a lot smarter when it comes to conniving.

BE PREPARED!!!!

If you want a lot of laughs and weener......

Randy and I caught a matinee on the fly.

The minute we sat down, we were laughing and already happy with our movie choice.

At the end, Randy turned to me and said, 

"awe....I don't want it to be over!!!!"

It was AWESOME!!!!!

And if you are a person like Randy and I who enjoy

 crude, 

laughing until tears are rolling,

bad language,

male weeners swaying freely, 

(actually, I don't think either one of us really enjoyed that...but it was pertinent to the scenes), 

and MANY OMG hand on your mouth moments.....

then you will enjoy this movie too :)

It ranks up there with 'Bridesmaids' funny and 'crossing the line' type of scripts.

I give it 4 weeners up!

[that means it was good]

Farley and Bunny.....captured on video

If you wanna get a good look at bunny and Chris Farley loving it up on the dance floor, check out Paula's blog

 [for those of you who have access to her private blog]

Don't forget to look for bunny's white crusty panty hose to come swingin around the back of her as she gets twirled around by Chris Farley right at about 14 seconds on the #2 video.


If for nothing else...check it out to hear the great sounds of the Garage Boys!!!!